another day at the finca

This is the view from the front porch, as the sun sinks toward the mountainous horizon and another workday draws to a close.

Chilo is handwatering the newly planted pepper and parsley seeds. Because of the rocky terrain, we simply dug holes at about a 2 ´spacing and planted directly into the soil, which should have enough organic matter to support the plants.

Obed is playing with toys, here exploring gravity´s effects on a plastic cow he is trying to throw up into the clouds.

The horse has free reign of the finca, and enjoys finding new areas to graze each day.

Watering one of the semillas plantado en los hoyos (seeds planted in holes).

The dogs have found one of their favorite treats, a stray bunch of platanos (bananas). Chilo tells me they have distinct preferences among the four types of bananas grown on the finca.

Chickens are watched these days as they stray toward newly planted gardens.

a la finca

Hello from Nicaragua.

I am at my friends' place in Ocotal, elevation 2000 feet, with beautiful yard, getting ready to head up to the 9 acre farm outside of town which will necessitate a taxi to a river which may or may not be crossable by car, hence walking the last 15 minutes uphill on rutted road to the farm with my 50 lb. pack and some left-at-the-church type directions. I was going to be accompanied by a local person with a phone to call the farm when arriving, phone service to which is spotty anyway, but she is ill, so I think I am on my own. All of which makes for prospects of a fine adventure.

I have few anthropological speculations arising, as I mostly have just been traveling, arranging practicalities and such. I already have scheduling conflicts as to whether to meet Anglo volunteer type folks in town or just be at the farm. The former option could offer some good networking possibilities and local contacts, like a visit to a women's cooperative and natural building workshops through them coming up next week. The latter farm stay I have already put off a day, so I am inclined to not do that again, but rather head up this morning as planned. There is rumor Chilo, the farm manager, will be enlisting me in digging a well through massive rock the next few days, and I am not sure if he has a large mechanical drill or a couple shovels. And I am also not sure which seems less promising! But I am nevertheless excited about doing something.

I am again unable to upload any images from the groovy photos here. Facebook me if you can at Michael Polera, there are a couple nice folders worth already up.

Managua was very fun, diverse and quite friendly, not at all scary, and I could see spending more time there, particularly to catch the local folk music hero, Carlos Mejia, of Nicaragua who plays twice a week there. Ridiculous Central American bus station scene with a million vendors and people and dirt and noise and color, bags being strapped to tops of buses, people loading stuff in at the last minute while the bus is pulling out...and then a four hour bus ride into the mountains.

Alright, it's onto la finca a while--

not sightseeing

it's all about stress management

health, hormones, addictions, mood
relationships, finances, career, decision-making
exercise, vacations, sexuality, caffeine

travel

-----

i am surprisingly depressed today
three days before the journey

i am trying to get honest with myself
this is a long journey i have booked

and i am not sure how to plan things

how to budget my energy
how to get adrenaline going to meet these deadlines
how much to worry about theft
how macho i should try to be

today i am not even sure why i am going again
whose idea was this?

i'm sure i'd rather be partying with beautiful women
in san diego

-----

the coffee buzz lasted a day and a half
i was full of fascinating political analyses
and personal inspiration including
all that may be gained from this trip

but today
beyond the blurred vision, aggravated lymph
acid stomach and jaundice

i am on the down cycle

short on sleep and hemmed in by pressing tasks
missing any sense of meditation
and full of doubt

what am i possibly going to do for two and a half months?

and i am just now starting to drop in again
to the realization that it is not about this or that

not about service or farming or habitat or the island community
not about sights or photos or correspondence or goodbyes
not about packing the right things or anything external

it is as far as i can see
essentially about two matters

-----

it has been confusing
to try to explain what i am doing

within conventional employer
and coworker frameworks

talking about service and farms
women and all this other stuff

i forgot

-----

it's about maintaining my inner journey

by monitoring my swings
i am less caught in their sufferings

able to release
pray and dream again

along with concomitant growth
and recovery

and it's about survival

finding out if there is a society
better suited to my ancestors

where i might belong
or learn something along the way

about what it means
to be human

internal travel preparations

I drank coffee today.

It was the first day I've done so in over a month. We'll see how the digestion likes it. For now, I can say it has been a very pleasant journey. I awoke very sluggish, and with much to do today, so I indulged in the caffeine medicine. It is a lot like other medicinal reminders I've used, as it increases my sense of well-being and functionality in the immediate term. This is likely because of its influence on the inner dopamine/motivational system. It thus gives me a reference point of where I wish to be energetically in the future without such medicines, through deep self-nurturance and yogic disciplines to call forth the chi.

I particularly like feeling this morning of an increased social capacity with diminished self-consciousness, and an increase in decision-making capacity with less obsessive worry. These are particularly important today, as I prepare to travel to Nicaragua for 2 1/2 months on Tuesday. There is still much to square away between now and then!

The other related effect I notice from the coffee is more existential. It's a general increase in acceptance, even celebration, of what Life is offering me in this moment.

For example, I notice today there is a preponderance of what my friends call chemtrails in the sky over Albuquerque, which have by this time all but obliterated the sun in a cloud-like haze. Do you think this phenomenon is due to a secret and massive shadow government operation? Or is it just what others call "persistent spreading contrails", an innocuous combined effect of increased air traffic and certain atmospheric conditions?

In a normal (overworked) slightly fatigued state of mind, I can only see an either/or scenario around this. With the slightly increased leverage of caffeine (or ideally simply consistently strong chi-flow), I can enjoy a different relation to my environment. I realize that in a sense I have only this moment to live, and this moment of Life is a gift from some divine Source. My sense of self is akin to an actor in a play, experiencing without interpretation a slice of potentially-toxic, postmodern urban life. In this, there is tremendous wonder in the not-knowing, in walking down the street amidst this moment's dharma, with gratitude replacing fear.

I am thus clear I can't control the condition of the skies, and even if they are some sinister and toxic plot against humanity, I will carry on as best I can with what I can control. I will use this experience to inform my choices of how to best support future generations of humanity to have a living ecology in which to live. I will continue to learn about permaculture and its promise in rebuilding living systems of human/Earth cooperation. Within the shell of the old paradigm, I will humbly build some compost for the new.

And next week, I will travel abroad, as I have long sought, to gather information on the actual conditions much of the world lives in. What do people need most, and what can I offer? Where is the maximum leverage in supporting others' well-being? Is it in empathy or soil-building? Houses or barefoot medicine? Education in yogic energetics or vegetable-rich nutrition?

Maybe it's more about just focusing on self-care so that I am not a further burden to others? Simply getting out of my head, enjoying others' humanity, and seeing what arises? Perhaps a fiddle tune, then?

In walking down roads down there, I will offer what service I can to those I get to know along the way.

wholeness

I enjoyed today. It was a beautiful, mild winter day, with a full moon guiding my commute to work this morning.

Word is getting out at work that I am traveling, so conversations are starting around it. People are celebrating my initiative to take time to do some community building service and self-exploration work. I am also hearing of others' dreams, some deferred longer than mine, to serve in the Peace Corps or some similar organization. A coworker's daughter worked for Witness for Peace in Nicaragua, so I may have some contacts coming there. It's nice to realize that by following my dreams, I might actually be contributing to others' pursuing their dreams.

I have also found some integration coming forth internally. Last night, in an exhausted state typical of late, I realized I have simply not been eating enough! It was a cleansing-type reaction to digestive problems I was having a month or two ago. But I'd forgotten to restart a more normal diet--until last night. Now I think if I just drink more fluids, eat more veggies and less dense/fatty stuff I should be fine. Anyway, my energy boost today was tremendous, from this simple adjustment of feeding myself adequately.

I found a great book at the place I am house-sitting. It's called "When the Body Says No", written by an MD named Gabor Mate (con acento en el ultimo "e"). It's richly compassionate, exploring the mind-body connection, and the capacity for healing therein. I am finding it very supportive of a honest inner dialogue on self-healing, and by extension, living the life I seek.

I also have continued to avoid alcohol, pot and caffeine. This has prompted greater access to dream clarity, and a stronger focus on old-fashioned prayer. Last night, I had some important breakthroughs in the dream state, affirming to me I am on a good road.

These activities are supporting a spirit-mind-body coordination I am finding deeply supportive. Along with the social component added to that today--a couple hugs and well-wishes, even a "miss-you"--I feel I have reached a new place of psychic readiness to begin travel. Even the tooth calmed down--perhaps from the better nutrition, perhaps just getting over the work that was done on the adjacent tooth a week or two ago.

Things are coming together.

teeth

I thought I was through with the dental needs, but now I am worried.

It's tough to imagine going to a new land with a toothache and the possibility of losing a second tooth. Yes, my dentist and I should have been more proactive with it, replacing the crown. But I let him convince me of a now-clearly-idiotic stance of let's-wait-and-see. If I travel, I will also be letting my dental insurance lapse, so it will be a few months before I can get the work done to try and save the tooth. Ay, how complicated aging is!

It's tougher to imagine not going at this point, now that so much has been arranged and anticipated. With socialized medicine, I could likely just get the thing pulled down there, leaving me with gaps on both sides of my mouth, not a good thing. I know, too much information. That's how it is when you get old, you just want to talk about all your health problems. It's probably because they are constantly shocking to the spirit which just keeps trying to catch up with bringing some serenity around it all, even with life plans constantly disrupted.

Honestly it also brings up immense feelings of inferiority, voices of self-judgment regarding my ineptitude at ever manifesting the dreams I've held out there for years. I broke up with a close girlfriend over ten years ago, because of lack of common vision. Along with no interest in child-rearing, she had no inclination for international travel and service work, nor any interest in finding any mutual vision to co-create. She summed up the discussion by proudly declaring, "I am never leaving Santa Fe!"

All fine and well for her, the point being that it has taken me ten f*cking years to even get to organizing three months out of the country to even begin to taste this dream of mine I so gallantly struggled for at that time. Craziness! And now to weigh it all again--hang around another six weeks while insurance processes and preliminary work and crown manufacturing gets done? Get a place in the meantime, carry on at work, then request leave all over again in March? I just don't see it.

It's all enough to put me back in the wards.

My mind spins with alternate strategies. I could surreptitiously move to San Diego and start a new life with my friends out there looking for a place... get a job at the co-op or as a barista out there... head across the border for the affordable Mexican dental care I should have just gotten done last year... see if I like my new life cuddling with young women and drinking fresh vegetable juice every day and playing violin... and after two months, determine whether I prefer to just quit and come back to my job in New Mexico, or just stay out there and roll on... I wonder if I could even take a leave of absence from there to spend a couple weeks quitting somewhat honorably over here, or even trying to generate a transfer to TJs out there again!

Yeah, that's it!!!

I would not have predicted such flexible relationships between realms of desperation, creativity, self-care and sneakiness I see evolving in my mindset, all in the name of sovereignty. I sense it is time for a walk, some yerba mate, and more focused prayer.

go big or go home

Wowsa on the learning curve these days. After getting verbal agreement to a longer leave of absence, my shorter leave request was formally approved. So I had to think through the entire process all over again, and dither around the decisions, and feel all the doubts come up--oy!

Well, I've been praying a lot. Not just for guidance around this, but for some clarity of what it is all about, what's the path right now, how do I heal my confusion?

And a lot has come through. It is very powerful and real--I know because one of the largest pieces of information coming through is personally painful. I would not have imagined it this way, but I am nevertheless grateful for the immensity of the clarity, and for the forgiveness and healing within myself that is following.

I could write all day about personal process, dreams, world events, and a whole lot more. I am not using any stimulants whatsoever for weeks now either. There is just tremendous karmic quickening going on.

So let me just say that intuition and psychic phenomena and spirituality are all much more real than we usually give credit. It is not simply how blissfully we vibrate that matters; in a lot of ways it is how cleanly we manage our affairs. Humility is underrated. Was it Buddha or Jesus who talked about keeping your feet clean--in other words finding your humble work--and everything else would take care? I think both said something similar.

I understand much more about that wild ride in dreamtime a couple months ago. I understand much more about my personal work now. My entire trip plans were released and then came back to me, with a rather different focus now--which happens to fit perfectly with one of the communities I am visiting.

Often when I have thought I was behaving most altruistically, I have been surprised to learn how self-centered I'd been. And vice versa. This is one of those times wherein healing myself is a clear, single step on the good path to healing the world. And I have heard one clear action is more valuable than the most magnificent imagined journey.

Still, today it took all I could muster to re-request the longer leave. I was still floundering, not perfectly clear as to whether it was worth it and so on. Yet as soon as I took action, even in the not knowing, my energy shot up tenfold. I was stronger, attuned to an entire new set of unknown challenges I'll likely face, and wowsa that is good medicine.

It came to me after: the whole gift of taking a chunk of time to invest in myself and my healing, in gaining skills that will likely be useful in the world--permaculture sure, but the empathic also. And so much more--even if the trip flops, I will come back with renewed clarity about the world and my place in it, renewal and focus.

It also came to me I want to do this because my sister Martha, in her debility, cannot. We share work on some level. Celebrating the life we are granted, while we can, is something that she is teaching me. It sounds selfish, but I don't think it is really. It is done with tremendous gratitude for all the shared lessons I cannot begin to describe here.

Gratitude to Trader Joe's too for instilling a sense of physical competence in me over the last three years. And for the saying often tossed around, which also came to me today, after requesting the long leave:

go big or go home

chi

it's come to me

the problem with weed

it's not just the hormonal feminization that arises

nor the critique of all that is convention

it is the psychological passivity

-----

when i've smoked

there is often a tremendous unfoldment

awareness, appetites, and a depth of process

as what was just below the surface

of the daily worry comes to the fore

in a way that is more than metaphor

god himself has returned

and I know what i want

and i enjoy this moment's life

a sunset, a hug

in a very ancient way

needless to say

powerful medicine

i intuit the stretches my body needs

and relax into them with a luxury

new perspectives arise naturally

and intractable problems

are instantly reframed

as tremendous opportunities

for personal growth exactly matching

the situation and my inner path

and so on

-----

the next day or week

what happens?

a stress comes up

and my frustration is often high

for i know there is a solution

i just need to get a little better access

to the subconscious

and then comes a choice:

if i smoke more

then i am limiting my access

to such deeper states

to a single strategy

and hey maybe i don't have any smoke

or am in a situation where it doesn't fit;

if i don't smoke

what i find on the other side of the frustration

is that i am waiting for god

to tell me what to do

and god generally doesn't show

for i have not forged other avenues to the divine

and if i am not careful

i can wait and wait

while the infrastraucture of my life

falls apart;

at its extreme

there is even a moral sense of foreboding

around actually doing anything active

as if it is a sin that will potentially pre-empt

god's word and plan coming through

-----

what has happened

is a shift in paradigm from freedom

to suffering and it is subtle

a teacher once called it

the golden chains of slavery

for the parasympathetic memory imprint

is not sufficient on its own in the nervous system

to recreate the experience

as a medicine, a reminder

it is possible it can help

but in either case, more is needed

a path, an action, a practice

resetting the sympathetic nervous system

the active neuronal net

and that is what i am now doing

-----

it may sound like a new year's resolution

to again take up bodybuilding

but this is part of the path for me

in maintaining my masculine balance

and to forge a path to endorphin-rich states

that are independent of external elements

prayer and meditation and empathy

ae also becoming more active

as is my dream life

and all are welcomed

with gratitude

-----

in moving between yin and yang

a third path is found

a middle way

which polishes the self

where intention is exetnded into the world

without any hindrance of self-consciousness

plans are made, work gets done

and then room is made for the other side

to see how the universe responds to our plans

to allow for flexibility in the manifestation

to let go of control

while maintaining

chi

ode to joe

been appreciating joes lately
not only cuz they're granting me the long leave

i've been enjoying the exercise again
been in the flow of the chaos lately

appreciating the effect that
demonstrated ability breeds confidence

and realizing that i am just happier
being around people

yesterday i was stressed out
trying to rest on my day off

but being alone finding my mind racing
amidst the toxicity of mercury removal

today going to work
i was able to work it off

as i have done so many times before

-----

i am curious how things may be
in the new age community

if i will have the space for this
the space i find men often need

to be a little less civilized
in discharging our nerves

will it be like the last couple nights' dances
where all is so sweet and groovy

so long as you are soft and spiritual
or tall and young and handsome?

i can do that feminine stuff
but not without the weed

and then i am weaker
as a man

-----

i will be gone nearly three months
on leave from the job

it is good to appreciate the chaos
before i go

i have committed this year
to being around people

this is my chance
to see if i fit better elsewhere

seeking service and nature
and yes even love

some beauty way beyond
this moneyed haliburton paradigm

that still allows my manhood
i've made so many leaps this life

without a net that it's good to know
this time joes remains

renew year

new year intentions

are a natural thing
with the turning of a page

my commitment to bodybuilding
comes not from ego looks

but to reset a hormonal vitality
interrupted by weed

which like in high school
i smoked to find community

i can do better now

-----

last night i played viola

at the local dances of universal peace
new year celebration

thought i might have a date
but it was a longshot

my last lover of two years ago
was there though

on her boyfriend's lap
it's all good

i am going to nicaragua
in a little over two weeks

i have the tickets
a leave of absence from work

and i am psyched

-----

my main intention
arose from a meditation

it is to learn the art of
being with people

last night i found both
the gift and challenge of it

it was blissful chanting sufi songs
with a group of 100 fellow celebrants

after three hours of eye contact
playing music and hugs

i was completely exhausted
and went to bed

self care matters too

-----

my application is almost complete

for the intentional community
down south

it will be two weeks there
with the option of another six

if i don't like it
i can either head back to the finca

goof off on a beach a while
eating seafood and fiddling

or try to hook up with an NGO
and make myself useful

there's also still the option
of jetsetting off to deutschland

watch the kids
and carry on over there

-----

planning on coming back
in early april

with the job still waiting
what a gift this struggle has been

to learn to just ask
for exactly what one wants

after all this year's suffering
i've remembered to pray

and now i know i've come through
to the next phase

of Life