the road

It seems no one blogs anymore. Of all the blogs I used to follow, no one has posted a thing in five weeks. Is it because there is no longer any time in our lives, or is something else?

I too have felt hardly a stirring to post an essay as of late. For me, it is that, in a sense, there is nothing much to say. With events in the world seemingly accelerating to a point of maximum chaos, there is no longer any context to say anything meaningful. What seems meaningful one day is completely obsolete with the new information that has arisen 24 hours later.

Like many of you, I am taking this holiday season to retreat to familial comforts. Here perhaps we can find some continuity and some meaning. We have our rituals and patterns of relating that make sense to us. We will arise to the same surroundings and people tomorrow that we saw yesterday. Perhaps this is particularly comforting to travelers like myself.

I have been away from steady work for over four months now. Yes, time flies. I am grateful for this time, the last month in particular, wherein I have been able to catch up on deep healing sleep and regular home-cooking. My family has been very generous with their wayward member in these matters.

My travel plans are on hold at the moment. One reason is that I have run out of savings. Here in the states,  between hostels and eating, it is easy to spend $50 a day on the road. Hence, the money I had did not go nearly so far as it might have elsewhere. I spent time in Santa Fe, Albuquerque, San Diego and Portland, before arriving here in my family environs in northern California. In each successive stop, my efforts at finding work have grown more serious. I am more than ready to work at this point. So between my economics, and the fact that it's off-season to farm, I'm back in the world of fluorescent lights and background checks. I feel it is likely my application at a local big box retailer here will come through.

When I packed up from Santa Fe, I was actually headed for Nicaragua, with summer work clothes and tickets in hand. Following intuition, the road leading me here has been an interesting set of clockwise spins. It turns out my mother is undergoing some pretty serious medical treatment, so it is very good that I am here. And this is the bigger reason I will postpone getting out of the political nightmare this nation has become. Money doesn't matter much really, nor do any personal plans for this or that.

Dharma matters.

today's song

i feel the sadness of leaving again
and i just want to say

we all get to go to the global picnic

ah the sweet pain of having risked too much
this too shall pass

for it is time to risk the honesty
of being big

big enough to make requests
for the world we wish to see

it is better to overshoot
the bliss of this life

land in respectable agony
and get back up

to catch the next wave

-----

look around
we are here!

sure we know
capitalism cannot last

but we don't know for sure
what comes next

i can only say i am
immensely optimistic

every day
i meet more awakened souls

let us continue to remember ourselves
to one another

and grow the good food
with our own seeds

washed down with dancing
and the finest hugs

energetic libations abound
and i have 100 percent confidence

in the Source field
manifesting infinitely

Now

precipice

i no longer know who i am
but we shall see

this is a time of change
and i am changing fast

i am saying yes
to trying to relocate

to a city i have never been
with about $600

i am scared of being too old now
to get work right away

i am scared of not finding friends
and of running out of money of course

it has been a good rest from work
but at 3 1/2 months too long now

i am not comfortable with unemployment
no matter how sovereign i try to be

i get bored with work
but more bored without money

trapped in the endless system of debt
it is easy to lose esteem

and the subtle pot addictions all around
confound my loneliness

sad but pressing on northward
i don't know why

but it is what i have been seeing
a life beyond the crumbling city

and beyond the searing desert
where things can grow

i can always retrace here to a backyard tent
or there to a spare room in the south valley

for now let me learn to not worry
to have the experience of trying

with good energy to resettle
the next couple weeks

into a new land
community

home

i am alive again

i almost perished this week
from poor choices
and ensuing injury

prayer has won the day
after four days of acute pain
within the hell of my irresponsibility

and God has returned to me
gracing me with this celibate now
so blessed with loving friends

working it through
could not have been more symmetrical
book-ending so many jaded years

and i am now free
to clown up a road trip
watch sports and work for peace

dreams return from the void
offer some traveling energy medicine
or garden and a couple chickens

utter amazement
humility and gratitude
even somehow

innocence

Third Way

Honestly, some days I am Che completely finished with the system with every clear ideal in alignment with full divestment, and aware of the power of hardness that every leader must have, even if it means a sacrifice of my own comfort and even health.

Other days I am completely driven by the overwhelming purpose to realize a committed loving relationship in my life, which with either of the two women I am dancing in that direction with here, necessitates an entirely different set of choices and also a certain hardness to manifest.

If two callings are in conflict, can either actually be true? 

Today is a day I imagine a middle path, and that is good, for to realize anything at all in any direction calls for capacities beyond the smaller sense of self. It looks like Yes and Love are the answers as Lennon said--the integrity of the Heart which raises the level of reflection to a new ground, bringing in a Higher Power, beyond the idealist/physical paradox.

-----

It is not simply a philosophical matter. My insurance runs out in four days unless I renew it, and I need significant dental work to be able to eat. My clutch will break soon if I keep driving it, and I still have no home, both of which makes me far less attractive as a potential mate. Yet to take care of just these simple matters uses up all of my savings instantly, and forces me to reinvest deeply in the dying corrupt-corporate-deceitful-patriarchal-war system directly responsible for the majority of suffering on the planet.

And that is even if I am ABLE to do so. I was already falling behind all these needs working 40 hours at $15/hr. What kind of magic must I call forth to actually thrive, by taking an even bigger piece of the ever-shrinking pie by more or less doubling that income? Seeing money as "energy" and all that new age stuff sure seems like a morally questionable form of self-hypnosis.

Add this to the fact that I could more or less repatriate to a place where a revolution was fought against this system of violence, oppression and denial. There, my current savings could last at least several months, and possibly indefinitely, and I imagine I could find some quality of inexpensive dental work to get the job done as well. Most of all, I would be divesting from the cruel and deceitful system here in this culture that I have never belonged to. This is not only moral but practical, both internally and due to the fact that the system faces inevitable collapse, likely soon.

Is this enough to deal with the heat and bugs and cultural challenges? Is this enough to separate from the two women I am already courting and bonding with here, in hopes I might someday find someone compatible abroad? That kind of heartless choice becomes one of the hardest sticking points.

-----

I have quit coffee and ganja this month, that I may find a deeper consistency in the source of my decisionmaking. I have used these yin/yang extremes far less than most of my friends, but have found slippage toward regular use beyond what may possibly have served me in either of the tools. Done.

Ganja takes the pressure off, depersonalizing the entire course of events, so that I do not feel such a moral pressure to do anything beyond maintaining awareness of all the insanity going on around me. It is easier to muse upon the bizarre existential conundrums we all face from that chemically-enhanced place. The flip side is that I tend to do nothing at all, while the teeth and car and all structure in my life slips away--not a problem, so long as I am willing to ultimately live as a homeless person. Or exit.

Coffee is the other extreme, stimulating all sorts of doing, to the extent of a robotic intensity. That course would probably get me back in the system. And as long I keep drinking it, I could keep the morality of my misfittedness here damped down. Battle for the self amidst the hell of it all.

Okay, we have clearly outlined the paradox. So let's get to the third side of this right here. Arriving in the Now, it tends to be of minimal syntax:

Heart. Yin/Yang pointing to Tai Chi. Zen. I-dimension unfolding full Human Capacity. Superconscious. Yes. Love. Yay. Unfold something Emergent in the Living Now. Reintegrating Shadows. Ancestral Healing. Empathy Practice & Giraffe Juice. God. Higher Power. Prayer and Meditation. Spiritual Awakening. Magic. Life.

My commitment: Every day I face my ideals, along with the chaos of material life. I attend to both directly, by holding the stress of the paradox squarely now. I put the dimensions into order as a sovereign human being and spiritual practitioner, every single day. As best I can. One day at a time.

Politics

Taking time for presidential politics is rather like walking out the door in the morning and stepping in dog crap. It is definitely best to be avoided.

I write nevertheless to clarify to my well-meaning liberal friends that I would never in a million years vote for as odious a ticket as the Republican offering of Romney-Ryan. That two such creeps could garner any public office at all is a testament to just how degraded the empire has become. It is almost enough to make me vote for the re-election of President Obama.

But not quite. I need to also point out to my friends that Obama has been the biggest disappointing sell-out in history. His course was obvious four years ago before the election when, after saying he would stand and fight the TARP bailout to the banks, he completely caved in and voted for the bailout. Subsequently, not billions but trillions of taxpayer dollars were sucked up by the already rich greedy banksters in the biggest transfer of wealth in history. No doubt this little maneuver punched his ticket to the presidency.

Among Obama's dubious achievements as president, two stand out. His fetish for utilizing predator drone bomber attacks is absolutely horrendous in its murder of innocent civilians, all of which gets so conveniently swept under the rug by both complicit media and fawning liberal supporters. It is also bad foreign policy, serving as a rallying point to unite America's enemies against such deadly bullying. It is in fact state-sponsored terrorism.

Even more revealing was the passage of the NDAA, authorizing indefinite detention of American citizens without charge. This blatantly unconstitutional act which should make any aware citizen shudder in its ramifications. Obama feigned disdain in signing it. Well, it was Carl Levin, of Obama's own party, who pointed out that the clause applying to American citizens was left in the act precisely because the administration demanded it.

Anyone who thus cannot subsequently see Obama's two-faced subservience to the powers of violence destroying the world has only themselves to blame. And I will not be a party to it. I will not vote for this man or for what he stands.

Keep in mind the bigger picture: presidential politics is a sideshow. Real politics happens every day on the streets and in the classrooms, between neighbors and in traffic, in every moment we are deciding how to treat one another, and what we stand for as people.

Effective politics also depends upon how much we are willing to educate ourselves as to reality. Do you really think 9/11 happened the way the government told you? Did you buy the entirely false news package about Osama Bin Laden's killing? Are you sure you know just what happened at Fukushima? Or at the shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin? If not, why not?

"An informed citizenry is the only true repository of the public will." Thomas Jefferson

Living from the Inside Out

How long will it be 'til we've turned
To the tasks and the skills that we'll have to have learned
If we're going to find our place in the future
And have something to offer where this planet's concerned?
          - Jackson Browne, How Long

I am noticing less transition in my sense of self than expected. I have been finished with my trader joe's career for 12 days now. I have no craving to get another job--ever. I've put in my time, and now I am willing to retire... at least as far as the corporate world is concerned.

I feel no worry about doing this at this strange juncture in global human affairs. There has been zero panic and zero regrets with the decision. I clearly gave this last four-year run at conforming to the wage-slavery system its best shot.

Pushing 50, I can see I will not live forever now. And this is a gift. There are simply things I want to do here, as well as things that need to be done. As a start, I am living more as a sovereign being now. It suits me well. I have slowed down and begun to heal my body. I have reprioritized relationships with people. I've done two housesits, one of which I received a surprising gratuity for--a great affirmation on these new priorities moving forward.

I have also taken care of someone's mini-farm for a week, including their two dogs and 18 chickens. Such satisfaction caring for other beings, plant and animal! I was able to share the beauty of the place, and some great music from the vinyl collection, with a couple close friends. It was great to just drop into that setting and feel what it could be like to do that kind of thing. I like!

I am coming alive again, catching up with rest, and deepening my capacity for contact improvisation dance, which helps strengthen my core. I've been enjoying the honest company of a special woman who I am not lovers with, along with a sweet (but apparently brief) dalliance with another lovely gal. I got the word yesterday, before heading out on my travels, that I just did not fit with said gal's vision for a long term partnership. Maybe I should have been a scotch drinker, or have owned a boat... who knows?

It is interesting that, moments before, she expressed her worry at the massive changes society is undergoing at present. I concurred and explained that this is an important aspect of the journey I am beginning. Yet she feels she can still envision what a desirable, secure partnership will look like... whereas I seriously wonder. I can imagine a small hovel in Latin America might ultimately prove to be more secure than anything here in the radioactive, politically crazed, economically collapsing, propagandized north.

Security might even turn out to be paradoxically found, by the strength of character arising from directly addressing the hypocritical violence of the current power structures. It may no longer be out there at all.

Really, there are no hard feelings with her, and in fact I am very grateful for all she has contributed to my growth in our short time together. She is right: I am likely forever burned out on the caffeinated treadmill of debt-based money games. I just see no security in old paradigm ways anymore, no safety in playing small, in getting paid to be a warm body in a corporation. Pensions, suits, savings, insurance, private real estate, credit, and cars mean even less to me than ever.

I seek to serve others more profoundly, and develop skills useful to Life. And that is what I am doing: vibrational attunement, bioremediation, shamanistic studies, permaculture, dance music, and supporting my community of beloved friends. Love? I might still make a suitable partner for someone someday, if Creator wills.

For now, I have put a bow on life's paperwork and stuff for a time, and that in itself is further liberation. Strange how seriously we take those printed pages of numbers and letters, especially when the $ symbol is present. After 50 years, I am releasing the karma of prioritizing money (along with control/security/order) over people and Life. Money, as my NVC teachers have told me, is simply one strategy to meet needs.

Now I know this to be true.

tantra def

i am grateful for quickies

especially for the thoughtfulness
and generosity behind the plan

that is why this limerance is
better than anything in recent years

am i beyond even this level
of conscious negotiation?

i want what i want
in terms of applying my life energy

and these dissipations again falter
good to learn

and turn then the question:
just what do i want?

-----

beauty at least is what I can now settle for
and love well needs to be love

when did it become this pale
and then why bother?

even if it goes wrong
i want the BIG LOVE

where the wheel is given over
to the Divine

even a little stupid romance fantasy
or really really evolved tantra

is in the right direction
even better: none of it!

there is greater satisfaction
in our dance

in ocean beach cuddling
so absent here

just saying hello even
if it is done in a certain way

is a meditation and reminder to ourselves:
what it's really all about

-----

as exciting as the van was
there was almost a voice in there saying

i'm just too old for this kind of thing
weird how jaded i feel around these parts

i want honest adventure
amidst this groaning world

magnetic economics and enlightened exchange
in support of finding

the highest and most satisfying uses for chi
the holy spirit chi

write a new book and share music making
trade and share medicines

manifest magic and help biospheric relations
serve the people

do farming that is fun

-----

it's not what you do
it's how you do it for sure

essentially practicing a vibrational level
that is strangely elusive here

a level of presence and commitment
that transmutes suffering

of course embrace tragic grief
just save the whining

for the very energy we need
involves a a kind of command

that does not come from me
and it does not allow for weak-ass shit

i know people are tired
but if there was ever a time

to get and keep it up

this is it

maiden's pin

all night long
i blew rainbow bubbles her way

and all night long
it was

poppop
pop

Vuelvo al Sueno

that chapter of suffering is over
and now i can return

to flowers and soil
eating and sleeping regularly

being with friends
and healing


no longer am i to participate
in the rothschilds dream

of corporate servitude
and mental slavery

no longer will i support
their vision of a world

divided and at war
with Life itself


i played within their system
an unwilling collaborator

as long as i could
and now homeless

jobless and carless
i am free


no mas trabajo para mi
en el sistema capitalista

ahora juntos con la revolucion
de evolucion

viajo a mi suenos
de un mundo mas bello

que este sistema
permito'


un tierra restorada
por un conversacion desde nosotros

en fincas harmonias
con agua limpiada

y ninos libres a estudiar
aprender y jugar

donde todos reciben carino
y tienen la opportunidad

para seguir en el camino
de nuestros suenos


es para mi
un sueno de Vida

de un mundo lleno
con aveunturas simples 

de educacion y medicina
comida y libertad

en solidaridad con justicia
y la lucha por la paz

somebody needs to fire me

hiding in my room safe within my womb i touch no one and no one touches me

Hey, so I was going, for the second time this week, to give notice today at Joe on my way to ABQ by train (by bike as the car's broken beyond repair). But then the rusted seat of my bike rammed my balls as it fell off, hence I missed the train and didn't give notice. I got my RIGHT THUMB x-rayed instead, after a box of yogurt yesterday fell directly on the tip, jamming it straight back (x-rays negative), in the stupid fucked overjammed box i was trying to start cleaning up, while everyone else was stark mad with delusion on our horded 8th anniversary party weekend, with one bozo deciding it'd be a good idea to remerch the beer section, on a $200K day. They are hiring by the way, you could transfer right now if you wanted. I won't be here though, my incredible almost-girlfriend has inspired me by so directly pursuing her life calling that the only way i could possibly match her strength is by pursuing mine, which means leaving her and leaving here.

I may post this to my blog, you are more than generous with the space you allow me to blab. Blessings, at 11 1/2 out da Sox got em right where they want em!

here

How is it Spirit comes to me
when I least expect it?

It is something of a awakening to pray hard
and be received

to find that despite massive disspation
I am able to access strong dreams

amidst restorative sleep
which has left me completely liberated

with nothing but the present moment
to meditate in

-----

I have tried rigid attempts at yoga
only to tear a knee

rigid chants
which left me insane

and massive searching of phenomena
which left me exhausted

but the tender desperate plea
somehow generates the greatest result

and today I am filled
with peace and gratitude

-----

so now the cosmic pause
in response to my planned launch

job changes and knee changes
no apartment and no car

a maybe relationship
well beyond the rational

all leaving me liberated
to meditate and pray

one pedal in front of the other
right now and strangely

here

for all the dreamers

no right wrong this time
just a long breath in
before launch

there will likely be regrets
shoulda couldas
but no matter

some of us are born to live
without shackles
on our learning

no matter the suffering
we would choose
again

this moment of freedom
to be with the beloved
rain and shine

like everyone i have hesitated
wanting a bigger stockpile
better teeth

but there is a society
to belong to
somewhere

it might be the wwoofers
of the world
digging

it might be the dreamers
shapeshifting
to heal

revolutionary fiddlers
lovers dancing
drunks

better to die broken
on the battlefield
of longing

a shameful beggar
tattered in
disgrace

amidst like-minded
journeyers
in space

having lived truly
at least this

once

opportunity

Why is the blog nearly defunct?

I find words troubling. I am compelled to try and use them to communicate, to find meaning and express it. But as often as not, they create disconnection.

Who is this seeking the communication anyway?

Is there really a someone in here, who needs to be expressed, and if so, who would that be? The serious worrier, who realistically appraises 30+ years of relationships, and says impossible? The medicated adventurer, who more confidently dances? The barely competent, barely American economic entity, with no home, $300, and a car about to tank? The traveler, permaculture idealist, tantrika, in search of shamanic bioremediation? The stock clerk pushing 50?

Maleness is internally, culturally, environmentally as challenging as ever. Go too fast and get stuck in the selfish stupidity of romantic fantasy patterns. Go too slow and die, consumed by self-consciousness killing everything in its wake. Rely on hara power and find meaning full enough to run the gauntlets of paradox! Watch as a knee blows out and then there are no words left at all, no strategies, meaninglessness!

-----

In my most recent destructive affair, I was at once too masculine and not male enough.

I was too eager, too romantic, too sexual... and also too scared, inept, and lightweight. I was too caring and too uncaring. Needy of conversation and yet unable to generate it. Unintentionally injurious, and unable to help heal. In a two-day span, I traveled from stranger to friend to lover to ex. It was nearly two months ago now, and the time has passed in the blink of an eye. Why does it take two months to process a misguided two-day affair?

Time is the conundrum and also the savior of meaning here. Amidst all the failures and fuckups, with medications and incompetence and ideals all accounted for, there is still never a moment to waste in worry.

This living Now, with its living practical relational needs, is a Higher Power.

-----

And now suddenly you? What are we doing? What is your dream? How does any of this fit together? Put a hold on the expat strategy!

I do need to come clean about both my intense idealism and these edges that I live on... lacking any belonging to this capitalist system. Then we can talk across the unacknowledged chasm from my actuality to you here, and see if a bridge is worth building.

My search for integrity and willingness to love are both grand. The scattered points of reference which define me also include my New York intensity and speed, my introverted impossible delay, all my shadows, my desire to give over to someone so completely that I am revealed, my love of the liminal and need for directness.

Someone once told me that tantra is everything on the table in service of healing. I like that. A lot.

Do you have more structure than I do, a self to protect, greater sensitivity and need for clarity, as well as a greater capacity to direct? Is there space for my male desire to give to you, in a healthy way, more spiritual than romantic? Can I slow down enough to allow your process, yet still be present enough with healthy unselfconscious male drive to co-create this? What does maximum mutual nourishment look like?

Perhaps beauty

-----

Then ugly speaks, in turn, claiming its space!

Maybe things are both a lot less serious and a lot less rational than we are trying to make them. With all deliberation and pace, love is always a crap shoot of dysfunctions which will either align or not. It ultimately brings us face to face with the most naked ugliness of ourselves and another, our deepest fears and pain beyond our ability to bear, impossible choices...

And then with whatever prayer we can bring--conflict transformation, adventure, emptiness, hara--we again choose. Life is ever an opportunity to learn to say

yes

words

sometimes it's perfect

unloading six tons of pallets before breakfast
then contact dancing a couple hours at night

on a sore knee
not tonight

often pushing the envelope kicks
the life energy in

and it is absolutely rejuvenating
to feel it circulate across chakras

right now not so much

-----

tonight the dancing was too sensual
even for me

and i don't react well to anger these days
i just get angrier

underneath it all there is vulnerability
sad and most of all loneliness

i feel so near to love sometimes
on the other hand decades pass

and i am out of the last bit of patience
with everything

monsanto still makes billions
bombarding nature's seeds with radiation

and now g e and company follow suit
with humans

while people hem and haw
about every bullshit thing

that comes into their heads

-----

dance and work I can manage

for despite suffering joints
and hours spent on the clock

i am fed
but words

i've had it with
they get me nowhere but lost

they do not soothe my need for touch
or buy me ice cream

they stress me out with their stories
and create dramatic arguments

maybe some wordless camping
alone but at least by choice

can help this desperation
to imagine any pleasure

out there

manifesting

The world needs small farmers. You really can't fail trying to grow food, even if all goes awry. Because you are having a conversation with Life.

These are the words that came out of my mouth yesterday, out at Spotty Dog Farm. And this is true not only for growing food, but for all those Life-connected inspirations that call to us. We are here to grow and learn, to live our dreams. What are yours?

I've stepped up in the last week, into the energy of commitment. I have about twelve pressing visions on my list right now, and I am not sure which I am manifesting in what order. But I have committed to them. And it has changed the field I am playing on.

Since then, I have jammed with great rhythmic musicians, met with folks working on development projects in Nicaragua, inquired about transferring to Albuquerque, was given new interesting tasks at my current store, attended a strong yoga class, picked up and played each of my instruments, and so on. The dance community really seems to enjoy my energy, too.

More importantly, my own life energy rose up tenfold. Committing to my dreams, I became immediately more interested in my life. I am less self-conscious, and people respond to me differently. I highly recommend this course of internal action. There is no downside.

It has become more and more clear to me that I am a catalyst-type of person. If I live half-consciously, I manifest weirdness. But when I step up and take charge of situations, break up the robotic rhythm with leadership, insist on clear communication, and most of all focus on en-joy-ment, a different quality of life manifests around me magically.

More reports on the way, as events unfold...

tracking the muse

I realized a couple things today, starting in the rose park under a gigantic gorgeous cottonwood tree. The essential upshot is that

Adventure calls.

With my 150 lb frame, torn-up shoulders, sensitivity to insects and heat, poor economic outlook, plus experiencing the two worst experiences of food poisoning in my life, you think I might be ready to just chill out. Not even close.

I have gathered nearly all of the strength I lost during the last three months of travel, illness, poverty, cultural readjustment, and the like. My core is perhaps even stronger, and my mental viewpoint is far more enlightened through the experiences of travel.

But the US is wearing on the soul, and steals wisdom back. As much as it promises--even transformationally--I am tired of its fantasies. I am tired of listening to Benny and the Jets every day at work... music plans that never come together... playing it safe... being alone...

More importantly, I am tired of the pervasive fear that underlies all existence in the modern civilization of the northern hemisphere... the worry over things unseen and unverified... the absolute lack of real politics...

-----

I don't know what the adventure looks like yet. A dozen scenarios have presented themselves immediately, some near to here--yet alive in their confrontation of the postmodern illusion. Some are far away. Some are internal adventures, some relational, all juicy, all creative. Creativity is not about singing a song, it is about listening to the muse.

My lessons are derived from dissatisfaction and disaster. I have learned to heal myself from myriad illnesses and injuries by way of a focused mind; thus I have learned the power of focus. Now I know we have been dosed with radiation from Fukushima, I just don't know how much or for how long. It is at the moment far better to live in complete denial of this entire phenomenon, and so this is what you see the masses doing.

But facing the truth of things has never let me down. The mass disillusionments of childhood, the courage to see the frightening conspiracy of power in the world are no exceptions: all suffering serves a purpose to awaken us to compassionate coexistence. We will unfurl massive transformational technologies once we learn to love, for then we can apply our minds to the true tasks at hand.

This commitment of my life energy has never wavered. I have never had interest in personal dreams and anytime I have pursued them, I have been disappointed. This being the nature of our selfish culture, I do participate in nonsense in order to fit in and find some company. But I just have never really understood all this attachment to the self, to personality, to impressing people.

At the Joe, people are promoted by showing aggressive self-interest and then managing the ensuing tasks. I have no interest in that and so I have become a wall-hanging there. My interest is in being part of a team, excelling in service to others, learning, offering my talents to the collective effort. Where does that get me here? Blank stares and cross-eyed looks of confusion.

But travel to a socialist culture, a place where a revolution was fought against the imperialist world order, people whose sons and daughters were sacrificed for the cause of freedom... and suddenly you realize the world as you knew it was as upside down as you always suspected.

And it's starting to dawn on me: then there is no going back.

-----

Dance keeps me alive now.

Two days out of the week I am made sane by two hours of wordless, core-burning, joint-wrenching, human weightlifting in the name of beauty and touch and play. There are at least a couple dreams that arise from this blissful vibration. A couple weeks of research to see if there is any adventure path beginning right here in Santa Fe? I am impatient.

I have no home again, so what is the likelihood I will re-invest in the entirety of fitting in here? Likely it's a couple months and a couple grand and then it's game on.

It is good to know this. It is a step. But what game? Decision-making has never been the most efficient way for me to move forward, especially up here in the thin air of Santa Fe. Rather, I will do everything, take a bite of each inspiration, see which unfold, and allow commitment to arise.Yogic poly mono loving south west magic medicine jazz cajun wwoofing teaching empathic bioremediation ok?

If I stay around, be sure it'll be in maximum effort to serve and protect life, neutralizing radiation and ignorance, eradicating GMOs and greed. If I go, it is the ultimate victory of innocents, who will no longer be murdered by silent drone bombers financed by my tax dollars. Either way, a win for the Earth, a win for those comrades with the biggest hearts to share, even a win for my own aliveness.

Some people who meet me think I am very nice. Then often they are surprised and hurt by how mean I can be. I am neither of these people, but the one that shows up after all that.

At 49, I am as pissed as ever at things.

my pocky lips

the inner work that hasn't been done comes home to roost in the fullness of time: our individual karma, whatever it is, slaps us in the face

in these last moments, make right what you can, and leave the rest to Creator: no weapon or machismo will save you, only how much of your wholeness you have claimed... only how much of your selfishness you have transcended

will you be surprised when Gaia Herself rises up and whispers in your ear have you bonded with Life?

then in the final moment of existence, what words will you find, as a great force arrives in the sky, in which some will recognize the Christ, and asks you how open is your Heart?

before a genie snaps and all rushes back into the medicine bottle 

(i just hope there's a filter on that thing to keep some of the bugs out)

the shit

You didn't ask but I'll tell you how it is.

Fukushima is ongoing, much of the air of the northern hemisphere is polluted by airborne beta radiation. The contaminated water from flushing out the broken reactors has definitely reached the West coast of the US. Eating fish from the Pacific is questionable. There are 11,000 more fuel rods in harm's way, exposed and vulnerable to earthquakes the size of which are common in the area. No national or international agency is making any reasonable effort to secure this material. The federal government is covering up all serious reports of contamination, of which there are many. The federal government is relying on its own assessments and modeling, while ignoring any monitoring or testing of water or fish contamination--which would imply corporate and even governmental culpability in the disaster.

That's the tip of the iceberg. Many of us in the Global Awareness Network have a strong suspicion of radiological terrorism. With so much corruption in the ongoing process of remediation, there is likely foreknowledge as well. The pattern is familiar to 9/11 researchers. The Mossad ("by deception thou shall do war") is the obvious suspect, having introduced the Stuxnet virus to disrupt the Iranian nuclear program a year ago. All GE-model reactors are vulnerable to this virus which compromises monitoring and shutdown systems.

There are reports of minor leaks at reactors across the US the last year. There are the unexplained events in southern Michigan and northern Indiana last week, in which explosions were heard by many, a super-high radiological reading was posted, and military response was witnessed. Whatever happened is being hushed up as a false alarm, without any further explanation.

While the mind rebels at the thought, I am pretty sure chemtrails are for real as well, folks. After several weeks of bluer skies than have been seen in years, today was the most noticeable alteration of sky witnessed in some weeks over New Mexico. The subjective perception of increased confusion in interpersonal communications is my own. Yet chemtrails are offering some added protection to the shifting polarities we are witnessing on the Earth at this time, which weaken the global magnetic field and its protection. 

Friends are in all sorts of crises... injured, moving, hospitalized in intensive care, without a home, holding onto land, fighting internal poisoning from a uranium-laden well. We are all truly "in the soup".

But there is simultaneously a great reaching out going on, a true community evolving supporting one another at a basic need level, generating abundance. Three good friends are either considering moving here or are on their way. This is concomitant with a raising in awareness, and in actual life vibration, in many of us. Gratitude, love and magnetism is strong these days, especially here in New Mexico. A quick road trip shows me that Hopi lands are very strong and peaceful, greener than expected, and beautiful.

Libido is up amidst the increased stress. Tantra opportunities abound and are recommended for strengthening the chi. Prayer energy is coming through strongly and karmic process and progress are amplified. Prophecy time is here.

I think we are learning to transmute immensely novel conditions of increased radiation, through many transformational technologies... bioremediation, mycorhizzae mushrooms, chlorella and fermented foods, and increasing our vibrational field identification (chi strength). So breathe!

We are the ones we've been waiting for. Be strong, loves!

Bullshit Day Under Chemtrail Skies

Its actually a bullshit title. I'm feeling pretty good overall, but it's good to throw those who would read my pretty poetic stuff off the trail. And bring in the more jaded and sarcastic. Too, there is a level of truth to it, this squirrelly feeling I get after being in the hills when I re-enter the trafficky, wait-for-everything town of Santa Fe, with inner needs concomitantly arising in me, yet undefined...

Coming to the city, there is a pressure. It comes from a self-disconnection, in order to function in the flow-less traffic patterns. One muses that traffic could be immediately re-engineered so much better across the land, generating massive jobs and expression of human creativity. But the government, as we know, is no longer ours. It exists to serve the bankers, the illuminati elites, and itself--minion of the warlords.

It has been extremely encouraging the last month to see completely natural blue skies overhead, to an extent unseen in years. Paradigmatic changes are at hand. It is hard to say exactly where along the transition curve we are. On some prophetic level, victory has already been won. Yet we are seeing massive radiation releases into the air and water still. I can no longer eat fish from the Pacific Ocean! How tragic is this moment, that an aspect of this beautiful Gaian Earth so grand, so magnificent as the Pacific can be so poisoned by way of human folly and arrogance.

If the initial conditions for this were not themselves generated by old-guard terrorism, the massive cover-up and neglect of populace protection is evidence enough of the immorality of the leadership of this world. Is it enough of a mission for me to wander to the Middle East with the Takeuti Documents, and show the cabal they must stand down?

Ha, I thought you'd agree!

-----

For those of you unaware, I have taken the leap into authentic mental illness, also known as shamanic consciousness. Flaky Santa Fe has consumed me at last, a final knockout of all respectability. I have stepped off the train of modern civilization's rational approach to things, once and for all, in the last 48 hours. The ravens told me it was time.

And, alas, there is no going back, hallelujah. The world as we knew it is dead. The younger will survive better with their less-deteriorated telomeres to protect them, with a postmodern neotonous evolution likely to ensue. That is why so many are called to birthing these days even under such extreme environmental and cultural circumstances as we are witnessing.

As for me, I am happy cuddling for the most part. I suppose the 3% chance that I am to become a father soon is an interesting possibility. I am open to the Creator's Will on all that. And everything else, come to think of it.

I have been released by the overwhelming despair I feel for the world. There is nothing left to protect, no style by which to play it safe, no use in judging oneself, nowhere to hide. I dance without self-consciousness now. I feel tremendously loved, the more honestly I reach out to meet my own needs, in mutually abundant ways. What could be simpler, or more fun?

So there are these two currents at hand: the massive destruction going on, and the magnificently magical here-and-now. The incredible deterioration in the global ecosystem marks out the level of the magical and transformational technology we are being called to harness. So even these polar opposite currents ultimately harmonize.

I have no pretenses of living in this body forever. I am too busy living while I am alive in this way. Someday I will lay down and be too tired to get up. Or else I will punch some illuminati bastard in the face, and he will shoot me. It doesn't matter much either way. All this holding onto the suffering physical form was part of the final slaughter of my ego, the sudden shredding of familial contracts, the sloughing off of all roles of responsibility.

It's not that I don't feel shame, I am just no longer ashamed of the feeling. This too is part of the path, our very shortcomings a door to our wisdom.

There is no more strategizing, only this medicine we bring.

Alive

This is a bit of a personal post. I have reached out successfully to friends on some of these matters, yet feel like unpacking here. It has been quite a week.

My vacation time began a few days ago, after an exhausting nine-week run of full time work, with an inspired 4 1/2 hour drive for a blind date. I arrived depleted, but with medication, successfully negotiated an adventure in getting to know a goddess of a woman and her fascinating community of characters. The interpersonal dynamic between she and I was strong for me. It has led to some significant reckoning with myself the last few days, needs in me for greater personal clarity, commitment, discipline and strength. I hope we continue to become allies in our mutual interests in generating a healed world. Or at least finish that pool deck.

I returned by way of Burque and visited a couple friends. With money used up, I realized I would have to wait another day for the paycheck to arrive before I could consider the San Diego leg of my vacation. After sleeping 14 hours, I spent the day in Santa Fe with another close friend who is feeling overwhelmed by the possibility of losing his land to a huge balloon payment due this month to the bank. I offered empathy and support, as we moved between the cafe and the rose park. It is beautiful land, providing him a base to continue to be here and father a growing teen. Yet it is also the land that gave him the uranium poisoning of his brain and bones that he has been dealing with for a decade now. I hope Spirit finds Its way in directing the process to an appropriate outcome.

A couple other friends bought me beer in the evening, as we conversed in deep ways about farming and relational insecurities. I received some great support and reassurance from a kind woman with whom a trusting friendship is developing. The beer helped me socialize without otherwise medicating, as I sensed it might be time to take a break from that cycle I had been in for a couple weeks. Too much mellowness knocks down the fire I need to create my life with.

The paycheck arrived this morning, just in time, and I sorted out my fuzzy-headed travel plans over coffee. I still had not heard from my San Diego connections, so my drive to get there was waning. Indecisive on what to do next, I began to get really pissed with myself to just get over this wimpy phase I've been in the last three months. After the insect-ridden food-poisoning-heavy Nica travel, there has been subsequent culture shock, money woes, and physical loss of both body mass and chi. But until I saw a photo taken of me the other day, I hadn't realized how rail-thin I'd become.

I decided I would immediately invest in a yoga or tantra retreat to begin strengthening chi. I searched online and found a yoga weekend I could get to in Colorado by tomorrow. At that point, a friend visiting from back east came by the cafe. We caught up over burritos before heading out into some needed fresh air and sunshine to play some disc golf.

By the time I got back to the cafe to book the retreat, my computer blew up and I could not get online at all. I felt frustrated and began to wonder what it was all about. A resignation overcame me, which had an unexpected benefit: I felt a release of all expectations around my chi. So I considered my options: I hadn't heard from my new love interest, so I didn't see any follow-up time happening right now; San Diego wasn't carrying much juice for me; Colorado was also looking less likely. I was heading out from the cafe lot, when I received a call from my sister back on Long Island.

I knew she had recently had a fight with her boyfriend, who had called her therapist and then the police to bring her to the hospital. She has MS, which has ravaged her body and emotions. She's long lost the use of her legs, and now her upper body is fading as well. She's been in the hospital a couple weeks, while the staff supposedly looks for a nursing home for her, since the boyfriend has had enough. Well, this call was a hard update. It explained why I hadn't been able to get through to her for a couple of days.

My sister told me she had been in the ICU the night before last, as she had stopped breathing. A tube had been forced into her trachea to resuscitate her. I wonder if she has entered the last stage of her life. She is very scared, off all medications, and with her boyfriend pulling away she has no one to support her. I told her to try to meditate on something beautiful. I would look into nursing homes, find out who is coordinating her care, and would try to book a flight out to see her in the next couple days. So that is what I am doing with my vacation.

It may seem odd for me to have then gone out to ecstatic contact-improv dancing night. I needed to feel my strength, in lifting women off the floor and in dancing with abandon. I brought my visiting friend who had a great time. I gave myself to the dance, contributing to a fun evening of group energetic connection by starting with some contact right from the start. I felt my strength of core chi coming back to me, delightfully. I felt my heart open to all the other dancers, men and women. I had a healing encounter with someone I'd imagined a rift with. I cuddled playfully with a friend.

I danced because my sister cannot dance now. I danced because it is perfectly okay to love with abandon. I danced because right now, in this moment, I am alive.

Pedaling Between the Worlds

It seems that somehow my more interesting posts do attract more hits. I don't know how this magic hand of electronic media works. But it probably won't help me here, writing from the hypomanic dregs of my blissful yet degraded life. Aiming at zero hits on this one!

I try and I try, but I overshoot every mark. My back in torn up from work, but I will not report it, for I cannot stomach the idiocy. Nor will I dissuade myself from traveling to the beach, despite having just enough money for gas to get there, which might be better spent on chiropractic and rolfing. I don't know what I am doing, but I know what I am not doing. I have ultimately always found guidance in my distrust of the systemic personally-disempowering corruption of my society.

I'm heading to the beach.

Fukushima radiation spreads, the contaminated water probably not overwhelming the ecosystem of the west coast just yet. The saboteurs of nuclear power plants are those needing the most healing, for their personality orientations have been twisted most violently. Their suffering is greatest, as their disconnection from True Self is incomprehensible. The transformational technologies humans need now, on both inner and outer planes, are nothing short of all-in miracle-magic paradigm-or-bust ARRIVAL.

-----

I am already transitioning, it is now just a question of which window I leap through the worlds, from the crumbling edifice of kanagi civilization.

According to my head, which would really like that ten-grand-in-the-bank-to-fall-back-on, january is the plan. My spirit and body are telling me otherwise. My back injury is of a severity that tells me I have already overstayed my best interests in the kanagi world. My spirit is saying that a transition needs to happen during this 2012 grand opening to the futonolito civilization, whose real-time synchronicities-in-action occur every day, and whose crises call for clear commitment in order to address! The discontinuity of calendrical domains makes my decision a tad more stark than is comfortable. But hey, that is what it takes for me to make a decision after all: moral clarity.

The kicker is how money, as we know it, will be wiped away by the time any of us imagine we might accrue any. There is no more accrual in the corrupt old system, that is obvious! Meanwhile new systems of honest, above-board mutually-supportive exchanges offer surprising abundance. Do I leap at the first farming possibility and have my back heal? May I take that much more of a lead role, in learning, modeling, and trusting the Life-based contribution-exchanges which provide true wealth... before the panic, before some con job that a new globally manipulated currency is needed sets in?

-----

The system is broken.

Let it be so long as it remains rooted in genocidal violence, slavery, homelessness, sexual abuse, psychological manipulation, and destruction of the creative human soul. Tell the old guard: the mission of the second civilization is complete, and its results are being revealed for all to see.

Its time, the way of separation AIUEO, is finished. We are cutting out the middleman! AIEOU: Tell those Japanese kids their alphabet just changed, and their families need no longer be slaves to nuclear blackmail.

I worry about posting such manic rants as this, with its obscure kototama references. What does the alphabet have to do with the price of tea in China? But what the hell: it's my blog!

The blue sky calls. I am responding, here and now, with my back and self-care and money work and wild mind and dharma path, all at once. Pedaling as fast as I can, gathering a couple medicines as I fly by, between these worlds. 

this morning i awoke and did some sound meditation
i then took some medicines including mycellium extract
took a bike ride toward the baking company
noticed what a beautiful day it was and shouted about it
was inspired to stay on the bike path and in the beauty a while longer
which led me to the front of pinon fast print
i walked in and found the living treasure there
told him i had been reading the takeuti documents this morning
and so i thought to just drop in
he said he was just working on my picture
and i actually did think hmm did i give him a photo recently
even though i'd seen him about once in the last decade
it was from the natural medicine book of some 25 years ago

my path is clear

conversation

could be time for an old-fashioned rant
why not

my saner edited attempts at explaining this medicine
unpublishable:

who was charged with this task of leading the people of the earth
through the material-scientific civilization of the last 10000 years

and how was this done if not by separating this from that phenomena
these people from those

ultimately burying our deepest capacities in the dark
in order to set up the idiotic double-blind experiment

of non-awareness

-----

now the time is gone
and here we are

attempting with utmost compassion and commitment
to bring to light all of the shadows

and find our displaced selves
therein

now tell me
what is this uranium

and when do we hit the road and sky
ah one more moment here in your green leafy companion

ship

-----

tell them they are too late
they will not bury the truth of their expired contract

no matter how many genocides
or hemispheres destroyed

in this fullness of time
victory is ours

by the goodness of life itself
within us and without

conversing

diffusion

I have a hard time making decisions these days. It is an issue that has come and gone in my life--pretty big these days. The trouble is that I have little cognitive clarity. I don't know if it is exacerbated being back up here in the thin air of Santa Fe. I can hardly enunciate a clear thought anymore.

I think about Fukushima. It has spewed toxic radiation into the air and water for over a year now. There are reports of a threat of massive new releases, which could destroy massive swaths of the Earth's ecozones. Yet, no one is responding with any urgency--not the UN, not the US, not even Japan.

No one cares to talk about it, for it is just more bad news at best and paranoia at worst. People prefer the beneficial effects of a positive mindset. But at some point, don't we have to ask why we are bothering with protests and politics, if the world won't even respond to a level-7 nuclear disaster?

Nicaragua, San Diego, Hawaii, British Columbia, Korea? Do I just continue plans to head somewhere, and not think about radiological matters? Or is being connected to the Pacific Ocean something to consider in making one's plans? I just have a bad feeling about it.

I don't much care for the States anymore. The level of conversation bores me, for no one understands righteous suffering. Few get what solidarity means. Few care to face challenges in order to overcome them. We are all capitalists here, in it for ourselves and maybe offspring.

Internally, I feel I have so little to offer the world anymore. With my back wrenched, even my plans to farm abroad become a little more tenuous. I believe I will be able to fully recover--as I have many times before--from such injuries. We will see.

I try to keep a positive mindset, but lately it's tough. Prayer still finds its way to and from Creator. I don't know how to apply it to any task at hand, for it only finds power in my utter emptiness and despair. Yet it restores my breath, and reminds me of lightness in Life. Maybe this conversation is all I can ask for.

It is, in any case, all I have.  

Left, Right and Centered

Maybe it's good that Occupy is going on, maybe even better that some Libertarians are reclaiming the space of the Republic from the corporate sham it has been for a long time. Something tells me neither is yet the final word on the revolution.

I can only stomach so much of the Libertarian point of view, when it comes down to God and guns and such. Was the morality really that great before 1871 anyway, when Indians were being slaughtered, slavery was in full swing, and women were second class citizens? If that's what precious sovereignty leads to, then Americans probably didn't deserve it to begin with.

As for Occupy, it still feels like it was sponsored from the start by whoever tipped Amy Goodman off to the initial coverage. Remember the initial gathering in NYC, when about two dozen people camped in Zuccotti Park? How precisely did Amy know it was going to become the grand leftist movement it has since become? I hear George Soros and others are in on the funding, whatever that means. Mostly, it simply lacks the gravitas I personally feel called by--a quality of suffering which generates global compassion.

I've had some nice moments around Occupy, observing conflicts with police, with obvious denial of free speech and assembly rights. Perhaps it is such very struggles that show us who we are. In the fire of conflicts, we find our true situation, our commitments, and thus our solidarity. Until then, I wait impatiently, while the corporate wars and mind-numbing propaganda and violent systems of injustice continue with the support of my tax dollars.

One way or the other, none of this will stand much longer.

It is also true that I now live in an obligatorily political world. There is no getting away from the global conspiracy or the threat to Life that it creates every day it remains in place. There is no sanctuary anymore, at least in America: to be here and try to live a normal life is to be complicit.This creates a stress that is difficult to describe.

May it be used creatively, to generate a new and more caring world!

Somehow, I must still choose Love here and now, no matter the external circumstances. No matter the heart-closing influences of dirty money, I work to keep my heart open. No matter the evil, I seek to love my enemy. I serve the cosmic Benevolence, in the real time and space of need. I push forward to vibrate the paradigm shift into abundance.

Back in the USSA

The arrival of the weekend
amidst this quality of life
begs the question:

how upside down is it
when the corporate grocery job
is by far the best thing I have going?

I had some nice dances the other day
but then the beautiful women scatter
to the winds

leaving my singlehood status
at two years two months
and counting

The Earth has been calling me
for decades to do something
but i have never understood her words

and now with my country
firmly in the clutches of the fascists
i wonder if there is anything left to do

Where is my vision!

I have reached out for support
but have not heard back from the men's group
and my one friend in town doesn't return my calls

Maybe I'll head to the farm for some medicine
and likely weirdness.

-----

Home life has gotten slightly insane
with the housemate's sociopathic friend
hanging around all the time

whether the housemate's around or not:
hacking up trees, dissing people
and generally taking up space

I was going to have the needed chat this morning
but the toilet overflowed and sewage backed up into the tub
so that became the first order of the day

since handed off to the housemate
and more-or-less property manager

My new pants now need to be cleaned
so i am wearing shorts in the chilly weather
in order to get to the cafe here

where i can use the facilities
wonder if the laundry will become available

and consider getting over to DMV so i can wait in line
to pay the government to re-register my car

and get a new ID-chipped driver's license
since my old one expires this week

With money running low i'm not sure I can afford it
until i get paid on thursday
whereupon I can also pay for mandatory car insurance

as well as back taxes owed to the IRS
for cashing out my retirement a couple years back
so i could eat

You think there might be an exemption for that.

-----

The social contract here runs very thin now

I wouldn't mind paying a legit government
a fee for this or that service

but the debt-based money system
has engendered such massive criminality
at the very top

that paying anything to the very purveyors
of war throughout the Earth

and massive incarceration of nonviolent offenders
here at home

feels for this nazi descendant
particularly shameful

One day americans will argue "we didn't know"
yet the world will simply turn away

in disgust.

the Real

Do Russians really read this blog?

It occurs to me today that the reason the powers of violence must act in secret is that they are rooted in abstraction, and as such have no direct business in the Life on the Earth. The original religions are based on sound, and as such maintains a direct connection to vibrational reality. The codifications, with fine intent, paved the way for abstraction to begin. From there, a secret doorway was found by those who were most jealous with the frustrations of their lives' encounters. And from their hidden place, they could enact their revenge.

There has been little to stand in the way of this most immature of moralities, once it was discovered that violence power could apparently smash out life itself, with no immediate penalty amidst the karmic workings of time. But of course the Universe has its own holistic power, through the long arc of time which indeed more than bends toward justice.

-----

The question I have recently asked is being answered. I have been concerned with my lack of political clarity, between Libertarianism, Progressivism, and New Age non-politic. I want progress, as it matches my heart's desire and that of those I most respect. I appreciate liberty, as it sets the record straight on the history and cause of things. But it is the new age approach, as unlikely as it seems, which again wins the day.

It is not enough for me to just say it is all a matter of vibratory quality, that is too diffuse an explanation. There must be courage to stand in the REAL, to answer each antagonism by discovering its complementary nature. It is a kind of empathy, minus indulgent softness.

Libertarians rightly point out we have lost the driving principle of personal sovereignty on which this country was based. But progressives rightly point out that this principle was unjustly limited to white male landowners, and as such was immoral. Progressives rightly point out that we need to move forward from the heart in empowering everyone equally. But libertarians rightly point out that progressive causes have more often than not fed into the plans of the hidden leaders manipulating events behind the scenes, which progressives have unwisely dismissed.

The truth is that the abstractions of the Declaration and Constitution, which libertarians point to, were progressive documents. Yet because they were abstractions, paved the way for subsequent manipulations, which have devolved society to this day. Both movements remain caught in their own projections.

-----

As I've aged, particularly in the last couple of years, my sense of competence is diminishing.

I am not a natural farmer--no green thumb, minimal intuition for the land, lacking upper body strength. I can throw boxes around or check people's groceries, but have no patience for the politics and self-flagellation of management. My teaching skills, relative to NVC or men's work or any other field I've engaged in, are erratic: I find I would almost always rather be with the living moment than dictate an agenda onto it. My acupuncture skills are long-faded, and were limited anyway; retooling in the field would cost tens of thousands of dollars. Music is no way to make a living, and my interest wanes in everything except the pot-infused polyrhythms, the lifestyle for which I cannot maintain due to subsequent mood swings.

In spiritual affairs, I have apparently not achieved much. My chi is not powerful, my chanting practice has not enlightened me, and I have not become an magnetic tantrika. I am lucky to remember to meditate in odd moments. I have not detached from the system, and feel guilt for continuing to pay taxes to an illegal warmongering government. I still use their phony money, and drive a noisy metallic petroleum-consuming beast, for which I will get a new license next week containing an ID chip.

A revolutionary friend in Nicaragua encourages me to fight for social benevolence. Yes, I marched in some parade the other day. But beyond this, and a few facebook emails to Congress-fools, I don't know what to do. How do I explain to my friend that the USA has been a corporation, and not a nation, since at least 1933? How do I explain the abstract manipulations of central banking which has consumed so much of the world in poverty and war and environmental degradation? I can't even explain it to my liberal American friends using English!

-----

Yet somehow amidst all this I feel tremendous lightness as of late. It may be the blue skies that have been seen over Santa Fe the last four days, the likes of which are reminiscent of the 1980's. Is it possible all the liens and suits against the corrupt pseudo-masters have de-funded the aerosol spraying campaign? I don't even believe in all that, but I have enough friends who do that I do watch the skies. And the last few days, the skies are different.

It could be I am learning, or more accurately re-learning, how to interact with the REAL.

-----

Nicaragua was great in that regard, with few overlays of any ideological nonsense to get lost in. 2 1/2 months of hard labor, illness, partying, insects, and trying to find a ride somewhere were honestly a muddle of experience. I realized yesterday that what was missing from the experience was that last month, in which I had planned to take a retreat for spiritual renewal. When insects interrupted that plan, I was left to fend for myself amidst subsequent massive food poisoning, diminished social capacities, and dwindling money. It was a tough month. But now I remember that my original plan was a good one. And I am just catching up on that stuff now.

By bicycling to work, or walking as I have today, I am strangely delighted. It is partly the endorphins, partly the sense of agency engendered, partly just the fresh air and growing trees. I eat fruit for breakfast in the yard, before heading to the cafe for tea. I am slightly tormented by the beautiful, unreachable, fertile females I encounter at work. There are moments of drudgery. I have lost a couple friends lately due to mutual impatience with intrusions upon one another's rhythms. Yet, I've grown closer to other friends.

There is fruit on the trees this year. And I feel grateful, actually joy, in little things like finding a bike rack.Yesterday I picked up a housemate's book on kundalini yoga. It spoke a great deal on breathing. I enjoyed how it reminded me of the simple clear teachings I have been exposed to over the years, through macrobiotics among other practices. And so I've begun again on this path. Maybe I had begun on it in the last few days, and this realization of it has found me.

I am confident that this is the path of growing strength and clarity. As I continue to shun drinking and other chi-dispersing activities, I feel a little stronger and more aware each day. The REAL has magnificent and quiet power to transform everything.

-----

I am here to shine a light on everything. If there is activism to be done, it is the documenting of the crime of war, in exposing it to the light of day. And the documenting of the failures of retributive justice, the mass imprisonment of Americans, particularly for victimless crimes.

I have no stomach for the abstraction of law, only the one great Universal law, which follows upon the one great Universal prescription of Yogic-chi Source-dwelling Life-breathing Now.

Bike Town

Oops

I was hoping to upload photos of my new place,  but didn't bring the cable. You'll have to take my word that it's a great little place. I haven't shared a house in a long time, so I've been curious how it'll be. So far, so good: the floor of my room is nice enough to be a dance floor; the yard is sweet and we're talking about gardens; I cooked lunch for myself today, and then biked to work...in eight minutes!

It is a quiet neighborhood, yet central to everything, and right near the multi-use rail trail. If I were still drinking, I could stumble home from Second Street. Disc golf is very near. Cafes abound, as well as bike trails, and hiking trails further afield.

And it is May! This is the best time of year, with six months of nice weather arriving, and then holidays. Trees are bursting forth with green. A full moon is Saturday. I hear there is a solar eclipse later this month. I've been connecting with friends again, and hope to do some full moon music-type celebrations this year.

My days off, aside from moving and settling in a bit, were spent in Burque. My camera battery died, so I got no photos of the groovy Occupy march from campus to downtown. It was weird marching under red and black flags. As Sandinista as I am, comfy white folks protesting the corporatist banksters still was an uncomfortable fit for me. "Hey hey ho ho, capitalism has got to go"...? I preferred the spirit of the Immigrant Rights folks, who we joined up with downtown to walk several more miles: they were marching for their very right to be here.

If this is the American Left, I'm not sure I am a Leftist anymore, but am I really a Libertarian? Or am I still more of a New Ager, looking to evolve civilization primarily energetically? How does any of this social change stuff really work?

I visited friends the rest of the weekend, and got some good nutrition in also. It was good to hang out in a grassy park a while, and get some cafe time in too. I feel my energy coming back again. It has been quite a push the last four weeks since getting back, to get a life together with very little money. Thanks to all my friends who have supported me in my return.

It is interesting to be starting another chapter, with a little yard to play in, and a bike-able town to ride around in. I feel optimistic that I will enjoy the coming months. With occasional trips to nearby farms, and a beach trip or two, I feel a nice quality of life evolving for me. I am near to a public pool for swimming, and the Rose Park for some morning Tai Chi. It is good to focus on the practicalities of things, saving up some money and getting stronger, as I explore how to best serve humanity moving forward. Hopefully, my work schedule will evolve to allow me some dancing time too!

With the beautiful May sunshine all about, it feels like I may be experiencing that Santa Fe enchantment I've been hearing about the last 30 years.

Off to work now...

Adjustment

I haven't felt inspired to blog the last two weeks, since returning to the order of things in the US. It is not to say there hasn't been growth and inner work going on. It has simply seemed too self-involved to be of much interest. In this moment, at least there is an intersection with the world, which asks me to write. There is at least a question.

As far as the self goes, my teeth remain broken; I have no insurance for four months. I am down to zero dollars in my wallet, and $1.24 in the bank. I can't even visit friends because the gas is down to 1/16 of a tank--enough to get me to the gas station Thursday, when the paycheck lands. I have worse allergies than I've ever had, so going outside is no real option. My arms were in pain this week from the repetitive motion of the mid- and late shifts I agreed to work; I am not playing music. I had a falling out with one of my few remaining friends in town. I have not found a long-term living situation, and find great resistance to the thought of settling back in Santa Fe.

Worst of all, I feel on such a different wavelength than the American spectrum (running between confidence and overwhelm?), there has been no one to just TALK to. Even friends don't get what it is to converse--that there is something more than the You and the I. And that for a true We to arise, there needs to be a discussion, an honest meeting.

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Tonight I chatted with a friend and mentor from Nicaragua. My Spanish has seriously deteriorated in two weeks. There is a great chasm in even beginning to explain the vast conundrums of taking up activism in the US political landscape; so far I've been completely unsuccessful in communicating this. My focus has been to understand and receive first. And this has been fruitful.

Even if there is imperfect communication, something comes through our conversations. What comes through are the distances between things.

I have dedicated my entire life to the improvement of the human condition, yet what so we see? I have fully committed all my life energies to righteous living two or three times, only to be set back to an incapacity so complete that the choice was to either continue and die, or pull back and revise. I have tried to inspire others with my strength and clarity, only to lose friends. I extended myself far to travel to Nicaragua this year, but what did I truly gain? And now with all the personal challenges listed above, what am I supposed to do to maintain some presence in the fight?

I discover the essential importance of Chi, but how far am I realistically from manifesting any capacity even as a Tai Chi student, no less an effective energetic healer? I grasp the immense mathematics of Rodin's free energy work, as well as its political import, but can I really imagine building something with that knowledge? I can see the great hope in the military sovereignty push to reclaim our Republic, but what can I contribute? I imagine love but can't find it; I open myself up, I make myself strong... still I manifest nothing. I grock the groove of global polyrhythms, pour money into a studio, and barely get a useable CD, the kind of which musicians around the world make for a dime a dozen.

All this useless effort, never coming close to covering any distance, is my teacher: it is time for better leverage, a more favorable input-output ratio, and more beautiful visualizations.

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What also comes through the conversations with this mentor is knowing who I care about and who cares about me. I am not judged, shamed, ignored, dismissed, unnoticed, misunderstood, or even ridiculed--as I am by most Americans I know. I am questioned, and reflections ensue. Being accurately seen as a caring, thoughtful, courageous human being--and collaborator--I am pulled out of my lonely American unreality. No small talk, no aggressive pretense covering over tabus against shared emotions or honest questions, no salesmanship masquerading as solidarity... it is no wonder my esteem immediately grows, along with my remembrance of an identity.

We talk of blood and scars, courage and questions, thoughts and concerns, valor and heart. Simply in conversing this way, we struggle together to hone in, across the distance, on a parallax of what is real. And this itself puts another drop of the precious solidarity into the world.

short video clips from Nica

Here is a meditative little spot I found while hiking trails at Finca Esperanza Verde, near Matagalpa, Nicaragua.





Amidst some wind, I recorded the sound of some wild birds on the island of Ometepe.




And here is a lovely spot I accidentally hiked to, wandering off-trail at Finca Esperanza Verde. I would hike hours that day through steep mud, leading to the demise of my old hiking boots. Great moment, though--amidst the utter quiet at the top of a very green mesa.

Earthen Endeavors

Check out this link:
http://www.earthenendeavors.com/recent-work.html

This is the work my friend Liz was doing just down the road from the first farm I was working, with a women's cooperative. The slideshow is extensive--and priceless! Aside from bringing me right back to the best of Nicaragua, the diversity of natural building techniques and the utter beauty of the design and construction need to be seen to be believed. Go Liz!

Kevin's Place

My final week in Nicaragua was excellent. My energy recovered fully, and I enjoyed some sightseeing.

One of the highlights was a return to Granada, where my friend Mary and I stopped in to see a former coworker of mine, and fellow musician, from the states, Kevin Cohen. I had run into him a couple weeks prior as I stumbled upon his upscale restaurant, Imagine, pictured above. Having no idea he'd moved down here, I was shocked to see him tending bar.

Kevin invited us out to his place, so we stopped by the next morning.

His yard is coming together nicely, with fruit trees, shrubbery and a walking path.

Now THERE'S a mango tree!

Before visiting Nicaragua, I had no idea they got so big. If you click on the photo, you can see detail of all the ripening mangoes.

The banana trees look very healthy, offering a bright rich green color.

We head in to check out Casa de Cohen.

The coffee in Nicaragua is pretty fantastic, full-flavored and low in acidity. Here at the outdoor sitting area, Mary strives for over-caffeination with her fourth cup.

Kevin, waking up with his second cup.

Kevin gets tons of mangoes off the trees in his yard. He uses them to make a mango bread for his restaurant, but usually there are more available. These were incredibly tasty.

We ate at least 13 mangoes collectively, leaving a nice addition to the compost pile. Thanks Kevin!

Nica Farm Review

Alright, the grand total over the 2 1/2 months has been: seven farms visited, four worked at, only one for any length of time. The intinerary has been:

Finca Ayuk, near Ocotal (work) +++++

Great experience, working on a family farm contacted through a private network. Dug family gardens, put up fencing; learned vermiculture practices, natural pest management, trimming, and more, over 3+ weeks. Farm manager likes to work independently, so fit would have to feel really right to pass on this as a possible connection for other WWOOFers.

Finca Esperanza Verde, near San Ramon (visit) +++

Beautiful cooperative coffee farm, geared toward high-end ecotourism, camped for $7/night for two nights, meals pricey. Missed chance to help with coffee harvest by three days. Good hiking trails and birdwatching, sweet service staff. Left in a hurry for a ride, am pretty sure I was overcharged ten bucks (a lot), so doublecheck math upon paying.

Finca Magdalena, Ometepe (visit) ++

Cooperative coffee farm, stayed only one night as farm was overrun with tourists and kids on field trip. Sensed that my planned work week was going to be more of a burden to the staff (to give me a tourist experience) than a help. Camped for a few bucks on very hard ground, meals uninspiring. Perhaps would be a better experience at a less crowded time.

Finca Zopilote, Ometepe (visit) +++

Party hostel awkwardly superimposed on a permaculture site. Beautiful natural buildings and stone trails amidst many trees, bushes and a few gardens being developed. Camped for $3/night for a week or so, no volunteer positions available at the time. I believe they want a 3-month commitment: be prepared to deal with no-frills rice and beans, and not a lot of appreciation. The drunken hosteler parties bring income by way of rum and beer sales, but impact the site.

Finca Bonafide, Ometepe (work) +++++

A serious working permaculture farm with many facets including excellent community outreach, diversification of food supply, etc. Camped 3 nights for $15/night, including great food. Reduced rates if workign at least a week or two. Got a lot of work done in three days, starting compost bins, transplanting bamboo, hauling water, stuffing trash into plastic bottles, mulching, making chocolate, etc. Great team energy and vision. I hope to return for a 3 - 6 month apprenticeship at minimal cost. One can learn a lot at this place.

Inanitah Community, Ometepe (work) +++

A new age community with some gardens on a beautiful site, plus natural buliding, yoga, meditation and tantra workshops. Sounded great and I was scheduled to be there a month, but I found the heat on that side of the island oppressive, and bugs there to be overwhelming. Nice folks but I sensed the guru effect of the landowners (away at a conference) was also going to be challenging. Camped two nights, and worked in the gardens, but could see no way my skin and nerves were going to make it through a month. Might work fine if you have strong skin. Apply online.

Biosfera Jinotega, near Jinotega (work) -

Recovering from food poisoning at a cafe as I was leaving Ometepe, I geared up for another try at farming at this quirky private hostel, run by an ex-Marine. Amidst a hundred possible scattered projects, I tried a couple days work in the gardens, which needed a lot of help, including transplanting, mulching, and terracing. Got another terrible case of food poisoning from the lunch prepared by the owner. Poor refrigeration suspected, but it's hard to tell exactly what was going on, as owner seemed to shift among different personalities. Obviously cannot recommend this place.

Have heard good word-of-mouth reviews as to working on El Yunque, Totoco, and Miraflor farms. Made some great contacts to pursue in the future, didn't work as much as expected, due mostly to food poisoning. The locals seem to know exactly how to deal with limited refrigeration, and the traditional rice/beans/chicken comedor regimen is safe. My problems occurred at a Mexican place (mild), a granola/yogurt place (severe) and the above (severe). I'm fully recovered by the way.