touched

a rich day+

foreman for a wild ride getting ready for a big boss visit, directing 30 people in numerous tasks amidst ridiculous overstock, the priority of course always staying positive which is effected by remaining detached from taking anything too personally, and receiving some very solid support

hence success

after some errands with the landlord and a nap, received a deeply moving massage with one of my favorite therapists in town, nearly beyond words, felt such compassion connection and love, all in nonverbal touch, like gosh someone understands how it is to reckon with this life, along with a couple mini spinal self-adjustments which came through deeply releasing breath while being touched, I was very close to tears of beauty much of the time, and afterwards heard how she always enjoys working with me for she gets to remember just why she does this work, then just walking cathedral park around in a renewed experience of being in the body, now the back is much more integrated, and rather than being tweaked is just a bit sore in a healing way

hallelujah

stopped by the first crew-party of the summer season, in honor of the departure of one of the sweetest people there, heading off to India and possibly Nepal, to go teach photography to girls there to empower their visioning in the world, so I went for the hugs and to just say ciao, and of course it was a great little party with a number of awesome fellow misfits (whose ways, I'd venture to say, make even my worst habits look rather tame), so I hung a bit over one very nicely done mojito, shared lots of laughter, took off around the time large glass objects appeared, and home to finish the day with a couchsurfing invitation and this blog, before hoping to get five hours sleep before tomorrow's next 4 am adventure in running a crew

feeling grateful

---------------

much easier day today...and for the first time in a while (weeks? months?), I am able to imagine continued enjoyment living here in Santa Fe, at least for the near term: things have settled back into a rhythm with the landlord that I enjoy, and the place is just lovely in the summer; work is fun, my contributions are appreciated, and the prospects for something like a career are good; add some slightly rowdier friends to play with, the possibility of some loving, and an occasional deep healing experience...and this place suddenly looks much more sustainable to me!

celebrating wholeness

Italian zen punk future in NY

yeah I think the soulmate thing was way too serious no?

I like the alt.country song approach to the matter more
the alt. a little punk in its attitude toward country
which kinda works for punkish zen me

another reason I like Albuquerque
and Berlin for that matter:
leather, attitude and a thinly disguised incompetence

song-wise the key is to
instead of avoiding cliches
throw every cliche you have ever dreamed of
into the work

one unending string as it were

(can't wait for an open mike!)

--------------------

ah there goes the sacrum
clicking back into alignment
yay!

with suddenly improved posture
still more to go
posture helps a lot of things yep

I have such a broader range of expression
than I tend to utilize most of the time

lots of folks in here

and it really bores me
to be so well behaved

I would be happy being a lot louder
and a lot more Italian

----------------

I talked to a fellow New Yorker
at the store today
a coworker

gosh was it relaxing
just to talk

bizarre
but it really is a completely different rhythm
I just opened up about everything
feelings family relationships whatevah

even my accent came back
a little bit

she told me some pretty amazing stories
about how the NY stores operate

very interesting
and I guess the Brooklyn store
is in some cool old bank
and they use a huge old vault for storage

--------------

hmmm...Brooklyn
I visited a couple years ago
it has gotten very awesome

pricey, but hey I can commute
imagine living rather than in the SF-ABQ commute

in the Island-Brooklyn commute
I think the mid-Island line might go to the right part of Brooklyn too
awesomeness

now that would be some serious traveling
wow kind of like going home
to a place I've never lived

(for the record
I understand I was conceived
in Flatbush)

------------------

here in Santa Fe tomorrow I am the foreman
and I think I need to forewarn people that

I'd like your support
in my attempts to regain my natural voice back
I am a sometimes loud, expressive Italian
don't take it personally

and please refrain from the
mocking of my accent
do not call me Joey
I will kick your ass

once my back and hernia get to healin'

hernia-healing and other current events

today
just moments ago
I realized I have a hernia

I knew my back was out
and sometimes these things go together
in the splendor that is the male human body

I suppose it's personal info
but so be it
I am a person

(and why do I continue to pursue
this penchant
for writing in threes?)

----------

the hernia I will heal
as I have healed before
as the back
as the wrist
as the knee
the shoulder even

I have either torn
or broken
pretty much everything I have

so that my body is now completely
even in its traumatization
and this has the surprising effect
of energizing the chi

(all I got left?)

-------------

yes I have endured numerous
a nearly infinite number
of injuries

each of which would have put
I would say 90%
of others in the hospital
for surgery

and yes I feel quite macho about it
I guess hernias are macho too
its a bizarre aspect of my personality

(cursedly blessed I suppose
we Italians
and who could have envisioned a paisano in this
body?)

----------------

I just called the current love interest
we both seem quite happy to be getting to know each other
and both of us would enjoy spending more time together

so that's fun
feeling a ton less attached today
I figure to go back and forth a while

and then she'll find a lover
and things will finally be clear to me

(perhaps I should edit more?)

-------------

ah yes the hernia
already feeling better

I made myself laugh
with my own foolishness
such a gift I have to entertain myself

and laughter is very healing

(now to work on the back!)

soulmate notes

after I confessed the depth of my interest in you

I heard you say what you need right now are friends
so it was fun to be your drinking buddy for a night

there's just one thing you said next
that has reverberated in my musings

and that is how you could see
responding to the arrival of your soulmate
and the clarity of that in your life

having already established the friendship thing
I understood you to mean you don't see me in that way

(and is it a feeling, a perception, a knowing, a certainty, a timing?
are there soulmate prerequisites and a manual you can point me to?)

I guess there are other possible interpretations as well
a challenge to keep away the ne'er-do-well
and the faint-of-heart
those unwilling to climb into the lion's den for you

and as usual something arrived for me to say
only about eight hours delayed

__________________

I wouldn't have approached you
with my interest...

if we hadn't shared conversations
synchronistic from the start

if the first hadn't seen you arrive at the end of a paragraph
searching for a word which I filled in
having written a poem about it that day

if the second hadn't been when I spoke about
my connection to raven
and you of your raven clan membership

if in the third where you spoke of the domestic dream
of husband, family and land
along with your growing doubt about it arriving
all of which I know so well

if you hadn't continued on paralleling my world
about your commitment to now turn to that
instinct you have carried to instead
offer healing to the world

if there hadn't also been times we have
been together and not conversed also

if I hadn't twice so enjoyed cooking for you
or twice played music you danced to

if we hadn't shared quiet time on a hike
or I hadn't attended to your tears

________________________

I've been wrong before
and maybe it's already too heavy to pursue

I don't know if these matters are preordained
or consciously decided upon and chosen

or emerge from a mutual commitment
to awaken one's vision to such a possibility

I don't know if I would know immediately
or by any particular point in time

and while I lean toward taking it all more lightly
amidst this negotiable sometimes-shared
lasagne known as reality

I guess that my heart must be opening
for two ravens circle serenely together today outside my window
and fool that I am I suddenly cry

is it too late to say it:
I wouldn't have approached you with my interest...

if I didn't think we might be
soulmates

sane evening

this evening
rested from a nap
I wrote an alt.country song

I know it's country
because it's sad and sappy

I know it's alt.
because it doesn't take itself too serious
and it reminds me of Joe

I then wrote some notes
regarding my personal state of existence
from a slightly deeper perspective
than I've allowed myself

amidst the stresses of
this week's odd experiment
in pushing for management

___________________

my first note
a reminder to
maintain awareness

for without awareness
I have little hope to really be
of service to others at work
and thus enjoying myself

awareness allows me to remain
in charge of my own reality

perceive what is going on
in a way that I can stay connected to what is needed
and hence ask for it or just make it happen

the entire key being setting the boundaries
to remain autonomous enough
to make choices

proactively set the tone and even content
of conversations

and to care

________

and then I cried
because I realized it has been an entire week
without caring

and then I celebrated
because I realized I still care
about caring

and am adjusting my priorities
accordingly

________

after a few other work related notes
I went out to Tiny's

feeling German in cool rainy drizzle
lacking lederhosen I went with
boots, leather, green shorts, black tee

happily munching on food
watching an excellent basketball game
and sipping on Coronas

some crisp R&B band
inheriting the soundspace
soon filled with rockin grooves

I borrowed a waitress's phone
to call a woman I've seen a bit of
though less lately amidst her transitions

it felt honest
to at least reach out
one more time
with an invitational message

I was then sane enough
to allow the scene to diminish

Nuggets win
second set less interesting
and she an unsurprising no-show

and pass on a new buddy's offer
to buy me a third beer

________________

on the way home
I thanked myself for my moderation

tomorrow another day
(with an evening party invitation
from a local tantric weirdo to consider)

the two beers a nice natural limit
an amount my body enjoys
hangover free plus legal to drive

during which I pondered
the wisdom of transferring to ABQ
sooner rather than later

while my 160 pound frame
having lifted roughly 20 tons this week
is still intact

thus reminding me
to end the night with
an ensuing hot bath

filled with epsom salts

saner

I need to remember how essential catching up on sleep is to my well being. I can be as off-kilter with a night or two of short sleep as when I am toxic from chronic stimulant usage. Today's nap after a couple of good nights' sleep has restored some serenity, so that I am no longer as crazed, particularly in search of instant intimacy.

I did check out 50+ pages at match.com earlier today, I just don't think I can go there. Having to ponder whether to contact someone who is into karaoke--or only looking for 42 or younger, or Christian--before even meeting could drive me nuts. Besides, I already tried it years ago, and so much for that.

I am not so much looking for instant marriage, as good company with someone/intimacy and love/with the prospects for marriage. It's weird to have to spell it all out for myself (and blog attendees--thank you for your patience with this potentially boring matter!) Again, east coast--there's an understood trajectory for relationships, which is negotiable of course, but needing discussion only if not the norm there. Out here, anything goes--so if I'm not somewhat out front with what I want, I can end up in a polyamorous fiasco, or on a date with someone who brings a boyfriend, or a host of other situations. (And yes that has happened.)

Work was good today but its a surprisingly cliquish place. Nice to get back into the flow of things. It's cool to come back to a job I like. The interview with the ABQ boss kicked, and I am feeling more confident of an ABQ opportunity this summer. Feel excited about the change of venue, bigger city, being back around the cafes and nightlife, NVC and friends down there--and yes the possibility for meeting new women. Sanely.

New York dream

aspects I am not

flaky slow easygoing nice

yes I have been these
taken them on over years
and found myself listless

there is a train coming down the track
and I am it

no more hanging out
drinking smoking
that's no longer quality of life to me

and if some permaculture dream
is gonna come around
it may too be a long time coming

too many years wasted
waiting

all I have now are my drives
work sex and order

and I am not a patient man

___________________

ok then
I can temper the tone

different boundaries here
mellowness matters

gentle softer quieter
people's boundaries are more open
extend further from the body

so one needs less volume
to communicate

more sensitivity
and less emotion

for people take things personally

efficiency matters less
as does professionalism

there's no stress here
if you miss an exit
or get lost

no time pressure here
no getting written up
for working too slow

only for working so fast
that you become impatient

no money pressure here
driving the social train

slow down
smile

and use that compassionate
communication
crap

___________


I really want to frikin get married
actually

I know
it's embarrassingly
non-cool

but 46 and single sucks

I mean it's better than disaster sure--
but why the hell am I sooooooooooo
frikin single

I've tried being a nice guy
for decades

not impose predetermined relational structure
or the desire thereof
onto postmodern women and their apparent autonomy needs

but sometimes I wonder if its all a crock
especially when over and over
a woman needing freedom
suddenly finds herself
happily engaged

with a man bold enough to proclaim his longings

while I dither and couch my feelings
in cosmic could-be's
gentle arroyo journeys
and everything that is not dangerously
close to possessiveness
like love sex and monogamy

____________________

meanwhile since I have no life
I plan to start working fifty-hour weeks soon

maybe with a stable career
I'll have something to offer all the women
on the other side of these personal ads

requesting financial security

from the suckers who would be
their mates

at least there will be someone
to buy a new fridge for
or take out a mortgage

if she remembers to thank me
and bring me a cold beer
while I nod in agreement
while watching Fox News

we'll call it a relationship

and let the world go to hell

while we fill in the missing colors
in each other's paint-by-number
dreams

LOWLAND REPORT

a touch of writer's block
so much going on

that I am once again
for the moment that is this week
not completely sure who I am

competent spiritual clear strong?
sloppy annoying foolish classless?

this is not so much a negative
as an uncomfortable place to reside

_______________________

yes I drank beer last night
exploring what this experience is like
after honoring the month's commitment
to temperance

and I can firmly say
I dislike even this hint of a hangover

dusty patina momentarily covering
the clear light of intentionality

and I am not thrilled
with the subtle self-humiliations
that occur when keeping up with the boys

but a need for play was met
falling to my knees several times
hearing about the traffic encounter with a Tennessee trooper
after doing 90 in a 40 in a rented minivan

rekicking the old skeletons
among the three of us mutts
and I forget how many there are

who slept with whose girlfriend back when
or cost who which job that time

who started who drinking again
fractured which of whose hand that time
or caused second degree burns the other

broken bones and engagements
failed marriages and sobriety attempts--
I do want to stay connected

I just don't want the destruction
to be the vehicles by which we remain

so defined

____________________

visiting my sister in the hospital
every day this week
was beneficial

offering meditation book and bear fetish
pineapple and chocolate
and the reassurance of familial presence

last night it was her and I
along with her new boyfriend
her soon-to-be ex-husband
and two of their three kids

and simply by big brother being there
everyone was apparently more cordial than ever

let's hope it's a trend
any more stress-induced lesions
and my sister could be down for the count

the new guy has been good enough to put me up
oddly enough a few blocks from the old house
here in rainy Levittown

he's an alright guy
I am grateful he gave sis her life back
she needs someone in her corner

he's been willing to move her into his place
now retrofitted for wheelchair access

and given her a new group of friends
down at the corner bar
where she is apparently very good at dice

___________________________

I love spending time with the kids
and am touched at the mutuality of the feeling

the ex is not the enemy
no matter what sis needs to believe right now

it was a bad marriage
a caravan of unmet needs
brokedown long ago

now he's protecting the kids from her rage
trying to heal the nightmares
and is bitter from years of his own receiving

keeping her on the second floor
while he left for week-long jobs
was abusive

and his passivity with finding steady work
is indeed infuriating

yet he cares for the kids
and has been the essential foundation
for their development and healing
into sane loving growing beings

they showed me their rooms
and each everything they are into
their works of art crystals journals swords dolls stuffed animals balloons goldfish

they liked the leftover lasagne I brought
and the icecream cake was a nice icebreaker

I wasn't sure if their antipathy/nightmares/ambivalence
toward mom would point itself toward me
or if any closeness after passed years would remain

there is closeness

along with a new start for all of us
as we move to redefine roles
in a changing constellation of family

which with this trip
despite its obvious insanity
I have emphatically stated

I do somehow belong

awaiting renewal

long island is not the strangest place in the world
that distinction would belong to...hmm...
maybe this is the strangest place in the world

I don't know what makes it so
confusing

birds don't matter here
they are ornaments on rooftops
insignificant and far away

the coffee and alcohol routine
rules here like most urban places
the manual carburetor adjustments
to one's day

natural living, gentleness, temperance
are strictly for losers

so be large and loud and funny
know the score
have plastic handy

have something to say at all times
remotely relevant for any situation
and racist humor is welcome
___________________

in other developments
all the books and most of the trinkets I've brought
are useless here

there will be no videos, decorating
or homecooked meals
for rehab in the hospital continues

and as suspected
the conversations are so out of sync
with my internal dialog
there is nothing I can think of saying
that would have any meaning whatsoever

I'm thinking to just string together
some random words

with appropriate syntax
volume and an N-bomb thrown in

and see if this won't get me
immediate acceptance into the club

________________________

ego matters here
to say the least

it's not bad medicine for me actually
this demand for self-assertion
in every moment

I just can't quite get at
why I feel suddenly so insane

the clearest glimmer I've had
is that of a great field

wafting through the massive overhead powerlines
radiating outward from finely trimmed lawns

in every car angling into the next lane's traffic
on all the local TV stations and in every paper

in the bars and restaurants
even the accents of the people here
and it says:

JUDGE

for without judgment
you too will be a loser

and I deal with it the same way I always have

I remain quiet in my bafflement
devour bowls of cereal
and wait

medicine

as I prepare
for a rare journey
to the place that was home

I am surprised to find my medicine
suddenly clearer and stronger
than ever before

I couldn't care less
if others wish to judge

my crystals, Indian fetishes
shamanic four-direction jewelry
_______________________

how boldly the coyotes sing as I write
a brown bird chirps at my doorstep

amidst this beauty
I see the writing on the wall
that I will leave this special place
in the coming months

and this makes me sad
for here I can chant
loudly in the wee hours

here I can grow stronger
watch the ravens
save money

learn the humble lessons
of serving an old man in need
and work through the family karma
_________________________

but like all things
this moment will die
into the next

and while the amplified savoring
of this recognition
is more than just compensation

I am also learning to trust my own actions

including those which are leading me forth
into a seemingly more mundane world

and where else would
a garbage-picking blackbird

satisfy such a ravenous appetite

for magic?
_____________________

I will bring meditations to read
to my ailing sister

Victor Frankl, Ram Dass
Stephen Levine
and Thich Nhat Hanh

I'll even show her the chants I know
if she would like

and practice silent empathy
when there are no openings to talk

but mostly I'll be cooking lasagne
meatballs, maybe even slumgullion

I'll decorate her friend's house
with leftover Beltane ribbons
for her return home from the hospital

and bring Laurel and Hardy videos
to watch over and over

ORDINARY

how ordinary I'm becoming

without smoke and drink
men's groups and NVC
coffee and tantra

I am but a working stiff
in a bit of a fog
falling behind on sleep

no shamanic visions
nor plans to travel abroad
nor grand therapeutic training programs

I listen to sports radio
try to get to the pool to swim
let the laundry pile up

interview for promotions
consider relocating for the career
think about retirement

forget to eat salads
heat up leftovers
eat too fast

wonder about volunteering
or at least giving a buck
to the guy on the corner

become the grill master at parties
the burro at work
the dork around women

think about sex
avoid writing about it
in public blogs

go on dates
talk about family
wonder if she drinks too much

stay positive
having lost the taste
for conspiracy websites

take vacations
try to help out family
especially in times of crisis

try to open this old heart
yes this most of all

try to open this old heart

reply

yesterday after writing all those
what seem like stupid questions

I realized I know nothing at all
everything is complete nonsense

I always thought that the zen sense of emptiness
was a different realm than the despair sense of it

but last night I felt the common space
of their co-mingling

with my sister suffering the ravages of MS
what is there left to believe in

to hold onto anything in this life
seems obvious vanity

but even this I can't think enough
to say I know

yet after some hours of this
feeling completely like a stunad

something rose up
and spoke for me

from this emptiness
bold lovingness arises
with which we serve life

and I thought this quite reminiscent
of Viktor Frankl's assertion that

even when there is nothing at all
to hold, eat, live for, believe in

some freedom remains
an essential choice

of who we are
and are to be

and it suddenly seems
the most essential self

is not anything we receive from life
or anything we experience

but only exists when we make that choice
to live by way of asserting life

or as Frankl puts it, it is useless
to ask God what our mission is

our job in relation to this life
is to reply

Beltane primer

From Christina Aubin at witchvox.com:

Beltane is the last of the three spring fertility festivals, the others being Imbolc and Ostara. Beltane is the second principal Celtic festival (the other being Samhain). Celebrated approximately halfway between Vernal equinox and the midsummer (Summer Solstice). Beltane traditionally marked the arrival if summer in ancient times.

The beginning of summer heralds an important time, for the winter is a difficult journey and weariness and disheartenment set in, personally one is tired down to the soul. In times past the food stocks were low; variety was a distant memory. The drab non-color of winter's end perfectly represents the dullness and fatigue that permeates on so many levels to this day. We need Beltane, as the earth needs the sun, for our very Spirit cries out for the renewal of summer jubilation.

Beltane marks that the winter's journey has passed and summer has begun, it is a festival of rapturous gaiety as it joyfully heralds the arrival of summer in her full garb. Beltane, however, is still a precarious time, the crops are still very young and tender, susceptible to frost and blight. As was the way of ancient thought, the Wheel would not turn without human intervention. People did everything in their power to encourage the growth of the Sun and His light, for the Earth will not produce without the warm love of the strong Sun. Fires, celebration and rituals were an important part of the Beltane festivities, as to insure that the warmth of the Sun's light would promote the fecundity of the earth.

Beltane marks the passage into the growing season, the immediate rousing of the earth from her gently awakening slumber, a time when the pleasures of the earth and self are fully awakened. It signals a time when the bounty of the earth will once again be had. May is a time when flowers bloom, trees are green and life has again returned from the barren landscape of winter, to the hope of bountiful harvests, not too far away, and the lighthearted bliss that only summer can bring.

The Bel fire is a sacred fire with healing and purifying powers. The fires further celebrate the return of life, fruitfulness to the earth and the burning away of winter. The ashes of the Beltane fires were smudged on faces and scattered in the fields. Household fires would be extinguished and re-lit with fresh fire from the Bel Fires.

Beltane, like Samhain, is a time of "no time" when the veils between the two worlds are at their thinnest. No time is when the two worlds intermingle and unite and the magic abounds! It is the time when the Faeries return from their winter respite, carefree and full of faery mischief and faery delight.

Celebration includes frolicking throughout the countryside, maypole dancing, leaping over fires to ensure fertility, circling the fire three times (sun-wise) for good luck in the coming year, athletic tournaments feasting, music, drinking, children collecting the May: gathering flowers. children gathering flowers, hobby horses, May birching and folks go a maying". Flowers, flower wreaths and garlands are typical decorations for this holiday, as well as ribbons and streamers. Flowers are a crucial symbol of Beltane, they signal the victory of Summer over Winter and the blossoming of sensuality in all of nature and the bounty it will bring.

Young men and women wandered into the woods before daybreak of May Day morning with garlands of flowers and/or branches of trees. They would arrive; most rumpled from joyous encounters, in many areas with the maypole for the Beltane celebrations. Pre-Christian society's thoughts on human sexuality and fertility were not bound up in guilt and sin, but rather joyous in the less restrained expression of human passions. Life was not an exercise but rather a joyful dance, rich in all beauty it can afford.

In ancient Ireland there was a Sacred Tree named Bile, which was the center of the clan, or Tuatha. As the Irish Tree of Life, the Bile Pole, represents the connection between the people and the three worlds of Bith: The Skyworld (heavens), The Middleworld (our world), and The Otherworld. Although no longer the center life, the Bile pole has survived as the Beltane Maypole.

The Maypole dance as an important aspect of encouraging the return of fertility to the earth. The pole itself is not only phallic in symbolism but also is the connector of the three worlds. Dancing the Maypole during Beltane is magical experience as it is a conduit of energy, connecting all three worlds at a time when these gateways are more easily penetrable. As people gaily dance around and around the pole holding the brightly colored ribbons, the energy it raises is sent down into the earth's womb, bringing about Her full awakening and fruitfulness.

May is the month of sensuality and sexuality revitalized, the reawakening of the earth and Her Children. It is the time when we reawaken to the vivid colors, vibrant scents, tingling summer breezes, and the rapture of summer after a long dormant winter. It is a time of extraordinary expression of earth, animal, and person--a time of great enchantment and celebration.