i may not be doing much art these days
but i am remembering today what it is that makes me an artist
and it is an attitude
________________
i remembered this upon feeling inspired to get out and get some exercise
so i went to jump on my bike and head over to CNM here in the hood
who i hear have a swimming pool
and see what their gym offerings might be
finding the rear bike tire i recently filled again flat
i instead headed to the gas station on ther corner
walking the bike to its outrageously-priced 75-cent air machine
which turned out to be out of order
so i decided to walk over to the UNM bike shop on the far side of campus
and enjoyed seeing the college kids along central
which reminded me of both the joys and disappointments
of the college endeavor in community
yet more i felt an appreciation for being in a place
anarchistic enough that there are no judgments of weirdness or meanness
toward the sight of a 46-year old doing his thing
walking his flat bike through the hood
________________________________
upon arriving at the bike shop i was pleasantly greeted by the freindly young mechanic
whose repair agreement form indicated that i needed to be a student or staff to qualify for services
so i honestly inquired and was told an alumni card would do (where does one get one of those?)
and failing this also was informed with kind eyes and subtly-lowered voice that he would be willing to do the repair this one time in any case
i don't know if my ripped jacket or homemade wool cap were motivations for his kindness
but i sure appreciated the gesture
and while subsequently jogging (with surprising comfort!) over to CNM
i was able to reflect on how i wouldn't have been exposed to this gift of kindness
if i hadn't found and blessed (or at least not cursed) the out-of-order sign
after finding and not-cursing the flat bike tire in the first place
____________________________________
it is this appreciation of the non-linearity
presented by a life lived honestly
a voluntary not-quite poverty
relatively free of collaboration with the violence
that depends on taking more than one needs
which allows these surprises and discomforts
reassurances of chance kindnesses encountered
and the fascination of an ongoing adventure
in getting one's needs met
harmoniously
that defines my art
Friday, January 29, 2010
cafe visit
today i find the space to be in the hood
nurturing to be in the cafe
drinking matte and watching the oddness
from the corner of the couch
comfortable with cranberry scone and journal
a rotund man fans himself
with the times crossword he is working on
a younger man naps between visits
from his full-figured girlfriend
i query the man next to me
his face weathered by age
yet with piercing blue eyes
if there is anything worth reading in his daily
we turn pleasantly toward anarchistic topics
a kansas farmer he recently visited
who singlehandedly uses
more water per year to grow his corn
than the water used in a year
by the entire city of albuquerque
we move on to his distaste for the we
he considers the cause of so much delusion
along with his general indictment of overpopulation
which in retrospect makes little sense
being so much a result of self-interest
at the expense of the we
nevertheless i am grateful for the interesting conversation
reminding me how much of an individualist i also am
and how my own current journey into we
differs noticeably from years past
when my boundaries were so much less defined
and needs less insistent
within we
for i
nurturing to be in the cafe
drinking matte and watching the oddness
from the corner of the couch
comfortable with cranberry scone and journal
a rotund man fans himself
with the times crossword he is working on
a younger man naps between visits
from his full-figured girlfriend
i query the man next to me
his face weathered by age
yet with piercing blue eyes
if there is anything worth reading in his daily
we turn pleasantly toward anarchistic topics
a kansas farmer he recently visited
who singlehandedly uses
more water per year to grow his corn
than the water used in a year
by the entire city of albuquerque
we move on to his distaste for the we
he considers the cause of so much delusion
along with his general indictment of overpopulation
which in retrospect makes little sense
being so much a result of self-interest
at the expense of the we
nevertheless i am grateful for the interesting conversation
reminding me how much of an individualist i also am
and how my own current journey into we
differs noticeably from years past
when my boundaries were so much less defined
and needs less insistent
within we
for i
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
never again
when i was a child i learned about the genocidal nazi atrocities and knowing i was german took a nonviolent vow known as never again, that is to do all in my power to never collaborate in any way with genocide
growing up in a family and culture based in denial, i began to act out in a way, becoming an intellectual due to a mental insistence on not accepting the same kind of bullshit that led to the rise of nazi germany, where good germans meekly said we didn't know
at 19 i turned to an extremely esoteric shinto philosophy called the kototama, which insisted that i could self realize by becoming aware of the nature of the sound vibrations underlying language, and then could help guide society to a peaceful transition
although troubled by the reagan years' turn our country hard to the right, and my growing sense of collaboration in cia atrocities, i held onto a dogmatic sense of solipsistic grandeur until i was 29, at which point i was studying the holocaust with a dying professor who had been a student of hannah arendt, whereupon while attempting to protest the gulf war that was raging, i suffered the first of two psychotic breaks that year
i recovered my personal life through my thirties, and learned to take better care of myself, until 9/11 hit and political awareness in the form of learning of the massive conspiratorial forces in the world, which i became convinced were behind everything from the banking system to 60s assassinations to 9/11 to media control and beyond
now having detached myself from said banking system, i seek other actions to restore personal integrity, reading every conspiracy idea desite how horrible the world now appears to me, and sorting through them despite how annoying and dogmatic and offensive so many fellow conspiracy theorists are
i do this out of the same commitment to at the very least honor my commitment to never look away from the hard truths like my german ancestors did, and never shy away from disagreeing with the overwhelming mass opinion, despite how difficult this sometimes makes my life
and what i find is that never again is now
growing up in a family and culture based in denial, i began to act out in a way, becoming an intellectual due to a mental insistence on not accepting the same kind of bullshit that led to the rise of nazi germany, where good germans meekly said we didn't know
at 19 i turned to an extremely esoteric shinto philosophy called the kototama, which insisted that i could self realize by becoming aware of the nature of the sound vibrations underlying language, and then could help guide society to a peaceful transition
although troubled by the reagan years' turn our country hard to the right, and my growing sense of collaboration in cia atrocities, i held onto a dogmatic sense of solipsistic grandeur until i was 29, at which point i was studying the holocaust with a dying professor who had been a student of hannah arendt, whereupon while attempting to protest the gulf war that was raging, i suffered the first of two psychotic breaks that year
i recovered my personal life through my thirties, and learned to take better care of myself, until 9/11 hit and political awareness in the form of learning of the massive conspiratorial forces in the world, which i became convinced were behind everything from the banking system to 60s assassinations to 9/11 to media control and beyond
now having detached myself from said banking system, i seek other actions to restore personal integrity, reading every conspiracy idea desite how horrible the world now appears to me, and sorting through them despite how annoying and dogmatic and offensive so many fellow conspiracy theorists are
i do this out of the same commitment to at the very least honor my commitment to never look away from the hard truths like my german ancestors did, and never shy away from disagreeing with the overwhelming mass opinion, despite how difficult this sometimes makes my life
and what i find is that never again is now
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
creative discontent
I found a clarity last night I had been seeking for a week or two, stimulated by an question around how to blog about my inner process with honesty and integrity, while in a growing relationship I value and am prioritizing in my life.
I realized, as is often the case, there is something slightly unexpected going on, which upon discovery turns out to be quite obvious. What I realize is that to be honest about the relationship, I would be endlessly blogging profound celebration. And even the most romantic devotional soaring poetry would do little justice to the actual intensity of joy of even a single moment of the relationship itself, like the feeling in my chest when I first glimpse my sweetheart bella sonrisa from the steps of the railrunner I am now travelling on regularly.
But not to write about it implies it is not the most precious thing in my life right now, which is clearly not the case, so perhaps I have made this a bit more clear now.
I also discovered that my internal process, relationship aside, has a certain use for creative discontent, and thus my bloggin tends to focus, as my journals do also, on the seeming negative. But really, whether it is conspiracy stuff, or the confusion of what is arising out of the shadows of my subconscious, or expressing some uncomfortable emotion, or embracing some personal wretchedness, there is great value in allowing it to move, change and be fully revealed. It is a way of allowing through the callings that life has provided--the juice that comes for the hard work it sometimes takes to bring forth the new composition, or the practice focus, or fleshing out the next work possibility, or simply to attend to the mystery of Spirit, amidst a world where needs are not always met, and thus staying in touch with the essential drive to alleviate suffering in the world
and for this reason it has asked me to call it creative discontent
I realized, as is often the case, there is something slightly unexpected going on, which upon discovery turns out to be quite obvious. What I realize is that to be honest about the relationship, I would be endlessly blogging profound celebration. And even the most romantic devotional soaring poetry would do little justice to the actual intensity of joy of even a single moment of the relationship itself, like the feeling in my chest when I first glimpse my sweetheart bella sonrisa from the steps of the railrunner I am now travelling on regularly.
But not to write about it implies it is not the most precious thing in my life right now, which is clearly not the case, so perhaps I have made this a bit more clear now.
I also discovered that my internal process, relationship aside, has a certain use for creative discontent, and thus my bloggin tends to focus, as my journals do also, on the seeming negative. But really, whether it is conspiracy stuff, or the confusion of what is arising out of the shadows of my subconscious, or expressing some uncomfortable emotion, or embracing some personal wretchedness, there is great value in allowing it to move, change and be fully revealed. It is a way of allowing through the callings that life has provided--the juice that comes for the hard work it sometimes takes to bring forth the new composition, or the practice focus, or fleshing out the next work possibility, or simply to attend to the mystery of Spirit, amidst a world where needs are not always met, and thus staying in touch with the essential drive to alleviate suffering in the world
and for this reason it has asked me to call it creative discontent
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
restorative justice circle
yeah feeling clear headed today, not sure if it's the beautiful weather, getting outside the refrigerator today, having some interesting dreamscapes come through last night, some good nights of sleep, moving my wallet out of my left pocket thus relieving sciatic symptoms, or the general benevolence of being alive, and also in love
another contributor could be last night's interesting meeting around restorative justice circles, there were five of us this week, including a newcomer who asked interesting questions i appreciated
and the host, who has done offender-victim mediation work for a few decades and continues to be active in creating restorative justice circles in new mexico through her work with Outcomes, a social work organization receiving referrals from several other agencies
we continued working around the scenario i brought to the group last week, one which i was very stirred up about, the murder of eight Afghani boys a couple weeks ago, roused from their sleep, handcuffed and shot by US military
while it is a stretch to imagine applying what we are doing to such an international incident, we needed something to practice on and roleplay, and i appreciated others' willingness to work on this particular incident with me, i had been feeling very peripheral to the group and this process allowed me to find more meaning in it than i had
without knowing the details of the incident, i stepped into the role of an uncle to the murdered boys, barely containing my rage at what happened, coming to the group process out of a desire to do something besides the violent vengeance that would be a temptation to someone who has lost so much without purpose
and the next day i heard a report on democracy now that there is indeed an uncle who is active in the process of trying to find some publicity, some help, something for dealing this tragedy
in any case, i was impressed with the process, imaginary as it was, for there was something healing for me in going through a process which led to some concrete actions for reconciliation, moving forward in a way that gave an alternative to another-eye-for-an-eye, including a public international apology by a US general, a tree planting ceremony, and the formation of an Afghani restorative community space which would allow international networking/monitoring of the ongoing situation
whether or not it could happen, it was reassuring to me to see enemies move beyond their official roles, and begin to be simply human beings with one another, and perhaps the imaginal landscape is one place we can at least begin this healing work, i know it made it all for me that much more real
another contributor could be last night's interesting meeting around restorative justice circles, there were five of us this week, including a newcomer who asked interesting questions i appreciated
and the host, who has done offender-victim mediation work for a few decades and continues to be active in creating restorative justice circles in new mexico through her work with Outcomes, a social work organization receiving referrals from several other agencies
we continued working around the scenario i brought to the group last week, one which i was very stirred up about, the murder of eight Afghani boys a couple weeks ago, roused from their sleep, handcuffed and shot by US military
while it is a stretch to imagine applying what we are doing to such an international incident, we needed something to practice on and roleplay, and i appreciated others' willingness to work on this particular incident with me, i had been feeling very peripheral to the group and this process allowed me to find more meaning in it than i had
without knowing the details of the incident, i stepped into the role of an uncle to the murdered boys, barely containing my rage at what happened, coming to the group process out of a desire to do something besides the violent vengeance that would be a temptation to someone who has lost so much without purpose
and the next day i heard a report on democracy now that there is indeed an uncle who is active in the process of trying to find some publicity, some help, something for dealing this tragedy
in any case, i was impressed with the process, imaginary as it was, for there was something healing for me in going through a process which led to some concrete actions for reconciliation, moving forward in a way that gave an alternative to another-eye-for-an-eye, including a public international apology by a US general, a tree planting ceremony, and the formation of an Afghani restorative community space which would allow international networking/monitoring of the ongoing situation
whether or not it could happen, it was reassuring to me to see enemies move beyond their official roles, and begin to be simply human beings with one another, and perhaps the imaginal landscape is one place we can at least begin this healing work, i know it made it all for me that much more real
Thursday, January 7, 2010
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