Josie also heads out

One of the reasons I enjoy the dying process is that it puts the world in its place. There is inherently found time for the natural grieving process, one of the experiences that humanizes us on a core level, offering its own unique gifts and teachings. We are allowed quiet time to console, and to consider, how we might be of compassionate and practical service to one another.

Josie has followed Rambo, so now the household I am a part of has buried both their dogs of 15 years this week. I am extremely honored to be a part of their passing, as I spent time with and also cared for the dogs the last few years. Josie was the quieter of the two, the more private dog. As such I am allowing more space for my friends to grieve this familial loss.

Josie had weakened hips that made walking tough the last year or two. I imagined her spirit happy today, saying something like, thank God I was freed from the suffering body to journey onward, and thank Rambo for showing how this transformation was possible. There are great soul lessons our pets offer us in their unconditional love, so who can say--maybe to each other too.

So today is a quiet journey around here, a little tea and a little more tea, as we take time to wonder on all this being here one moment and then somehow not.

Blessed journey pup--

bye Rambo

These are quite the times. Freaking out from a friend's target practice gunshots in the mountains and walking home to drive to friends in Albuquerque, where I co-hospiced their beloved dog Rambo to his passing this morning. Grave-digging before breakfast. Now the locks are off the fridge he used to get into. I thanked him for modeling so well how to be yourself.

Considering the old apartment and a four-day commute, now that things have gone so sour at the land. It wasn't just the post-shooting spat, it's about not having a stove or fridge or shower, but it's especially about the propane leak and differences in core values with the landowner. Sorry I couldn't serve him better in his quest to restore his land-based vision. Maybe he's far enough along to garner the remaining support he needs, or just get it done on his own.

As for me, I think I'm headed into hospice volunteer work. I don't know if I'll try traveling to Latin America as planned, I have now so often failed at every aspect of farming, from relations to tearing up my ankle, to nearly blowing up a tractor, ruining a neighbors trees, and almost never getting anything to grow anywhere. Maybe get to Europe and watch the kids a bit in the spring, but otherwise hanging out remembering, one day at a time, this miracle of life.

Bye Rambo.

challenges

Ask me how I'm doing and I might say, as some do, "Surviving. Barely."

I would be speaking literally of course. After overcoming some interpersonal choppiness at home, I was accosted by my bosses at work with a sit down. There, I was told about reports they have received of my negativity, and was asked for an explanation. If I had been practicing a bit more NVC lately, I might have asked for more useful information from them. Instead I hemmed and hawed as as underling like myself is supposed to do in such situations, with promises of more angelic behavior in the future.

It was only upon arriving home later, and turning on the propane heater, that I realized what was going on. Earlier in the week, I had arrived at work and could barely function due to nausea. I'd thought it might have been the knock i took on the head when a hay bale sent my head smashing into a beam recently, but it didn't quite add up. Well, anyway, the heater ran out of propane and shut off--about two months earlier than expected. This means I've been sucking a steady stream of propane the last two weeks during my sleep.

So this explains why my liver function has been compromised as of late, and I'm sure from my history that I was leakier with my frustrations at work than other people were enjoying. Perhaps the level of stress at the store will seem more manageable when I am not being systemically poisoned.

Then this weekend I missed my goat milking appointment, because I was having the worst gall bladder attack of my life. It lasted most of two days. It was very likely the goat cheese and goat milk ice cream I had eaten that put me over the edge with this condition. Hence, my enthusiasm for the goat milking is dampened. Fortunately, a friend had some kombucha which helped turn the condition around tremendously, followed by some acupuncture on myself and other measures. I am consuming only apple juice today.

That's the upshot. Nothing has come up in the garden yet. I smashed a second window pane in the cold frame though. Ate bad eggs last week that didn't help anything. Maintaining hygeine amidst full time work and life off the grid is demanding in itself. Fortunately, my hours have been unexpectedly cut. That's kind of how it is.

Not sure if I'm staying or moving on, but that's a question for another day. Working four days this week puts a road trip to water firmly in my sights.

photos from the land

something

today i am bored
i am not sure why
the clouds are moving fast
pretty and close enough to touch
what need is not met
companionship perhaps
meaningful contribution?

i'd rather be throwing hay bales
but at least i have coffee now
and maybe some inspiration to do something
with the remainder of my time in this sick society
before i head off and join the amish or leave for peru

last night i experienced the nurturing feminine:
dancing closely with two beautiful women
in honest playful appreciation
before heading off early to milk the girls
itsy, souffle and stella
and then sleeping deeply for ten hours

i'll be ordering some milking supplies today
a stainless bucket, carrier and strainer
so i guess that's something

on labors and Love

I have become a bartering laborer.

Yesterday, I helped a friend jam a storage shed, far too small for the job, full of possessions acquired over his some sixty-plus years. It was an insanity of odd angles, with futons and ladders jammed into the last square inches left amidst fragile boxes shotput over the top of previously avalanched stacks. I offered to do it for nothing, or a meal or whatever, but he threw a Franklin at me. It was great fun.

Conversations, on the other hand, with their projections and politics, issues and confusions, I have little taste for. It is fascinating to me that work has become tremendous fun, while socializing has offered the greatest suffering. Even this as I wrote in my journal last night brings forth a prayer: May this suffering initiate my attention to blessing and my intention to bless.

A few days ago, I unloaded some 50 hay bales, after work, before transporting a friend's sauna in a borrowed truck. I got home after 9 pm, and a 14-plus hour day. I was very sore the next day, like I haven't been since old farming days. I even felt a touch of anger, from the sheer stiffness and exhaustion of the body. But I was still able to unload a couple tons of wine at work. And the following day, the soreness had given way to normal wellness.

I am grateful to realize I have moved beyond anger. I noticed hanging out with another friend I enjoyed last night, that what we had in common is an absence of fighting-mind. I hadn't fully realized it until then, but I have felt almost no anger the last couple months. I think the combination of facing mortality near me this year, vegetarianism, and living with a focus on spirituality and service has granted me an energized life with little room for that indulgence.

I see how we have only this moment now, and I will not waste it attending to anything other than Love.

dream

getting out of the city has been useful

to realizing chi is indeed free
and thus living the dream

quiet comes to me now
and i am enjoying practicing requests:

do you need labor?
can i borrow your truck?
how can i help?

-----

yesterday i milked the goats again
getting the hang of using two hands now

the day before i hauled a truckload of wood
after work which is going fine as well

and saw a rainbow on the ground

today i hope to build the garden
after getting propane

and buying peaches from a friend
at the farmer's market

sunday i'll unload hay for another friend
and then borrow his truck

to move a sauna up to the land
and who knows

what tomorrow will bring?

-----

i enjoy deeply restorative sleep most nights
after long days of labor

i enjoy vegetarian fare tremendously
feel strong and peaceful

eating homemade tortillas and beans

abundant exchanges happen
when all is a giveaway

that is what the ponderosas say
or is it the wind

moving through them?