remembering

today i return to Spirit

stronger

i listen to native american music

on public radio

hear the drum

the traditional quality of the vocalization

its power

sandwiching shakti hayes folk style

parked on the street

windows open

-----

i spent much of the day in relative flow

supporting my neighbros

and neighsisters

as they reckon with her first move

in some 15 years

and with a six-month old

and a broken foot

I feel such gratitude for

finding space in their lives

to hang out with a sweet shining

and generally very mellow soul

in the guise of an infant

-----

i have recovered something today

something essential

reclaiming the space to be human

listening to bootsy collins

and all his genre-crossing funk

asking who told you to doubt

yourself

and in case you didn't know

gil scott heron passed this week

forerunner of rap by twenty years

letting us know the revolution

will not be televised

-----

maybe it was the indigo sky

i only noticed

taking another breath

to slow down to the pace of others

maybe it was reading about one man's

speculation on the annunaki

and prehistorical manipulation

of the genetic code

maybe it was corresponding with several friends

with an insistence on inspired conversation

and in general taking a day off

maybe it was meeting a new family

whose four year-old immediately

wanted to play

or last night's dreams of flying motorcycles

and houses-becoming-airships

or the bruce lee book i saw today

or bootsy or shakti

or something else entirely

-----

something happened to me

today

i don't have the words for

remembering

functionally illegitimate

i enjoyed listening to urban contamporary music today

the discomfort of others, comments and complaints

tinged with the usual middle class racism

i like things out of the closet

and i would like to announce

i am not gay

-----

the thing is i don't actually consider myself

straight in any way

it implies something too linear for me

to relate to

anyway the penicillin is helping the tooth battle

although there are still waves of pain

and moments of acute illness

worked a full day then painted four hours solid

now i have a couple days off to detox

but i wonder who i am

-----

it was only a four day work week

but i have immense swings in energy

sleep 16 hours

or two

i am ready for the land

i have overwhelming moments during the day

my god what am i doing

i need to be outside on the Earth

yet i commit to a 3 month apartment

try one last push to get the health together

and a little savings

but like the rest of civilization

the last several thousand years

as symbolized by the cross

it was a sacrifice

-----

i still don't know why

it's not my paradigm

donation is

benefits

giving

potlatch: the organizing principle of an evolving civilized society

which was squashed by rather deluded europeans

empirical means both to understand things scientifically

and related to conquest and control

without seeking advantage

in some shapeshifting currency

we immediately connect to life when offered the opportunity

and when we remember the imperative to

contribute to life

there is no inflationary value

hence time is restored to its order

remaining dream

alright then

i am playing hookey from

the kitchen paint job

i suppose i agreed to do

when i thought i could just roll through it

but it turns out i'm so busy

and so exhausted

and so stressed

and so on

i mean it's not okay to be sick anymore

to have an infected root canal

that needs to be ripped out

tooth and root

i'm a guy

i can still stand up

so i'm still supposed to paint

-----

originally it was a straight five hundred a month

but i hesitated and then it went up on craigslist a day

before i agreed to it

by then landlady realized she could get 525

and she would be kind enough to rent it to me still

for five

as long as i painted the kitchen

-----

okay

usually i would as i say

roll through this bump

but i finally got the penicillin

which i hate taking but figure it's better to preserve the remainder of my skull's bone structure before the focal infection eats it all away

the pain yesterday was enough

so i got up and started in the middle of the night

and ended up with two hours of sleep

before another stupid work day

wondering if i will head back to tijuana

next week for another cultural adventure in modern dental care

or just go to the local guy who accidently jabbed a hole in my lip

within thirty seconds of me opening my mouth

-----

either way

mortality looms

aging is to a great degree

a matter of toxin accumulation

and toxins are circulating baby

from gum infections and exhaustion

rage at the system and fluorescent lights

laser scanners and radiation in the atmosphere

not to mention the dental mercury and the root canal chemicals

and the trauma

here then we have explained

why denial is currently so fashionable

it is adaptive

-----

libido barely hangs in

amidst prospects of a gaping hole in my head

where a tooth used to be

and penicillin joys for at least a couple weeks

i never adapted to the system you see

and now i am paying the price

i don't know how insurance works

i know this wage slavery is a scam

but i play the game still

try to salvage some sanity

access to dental care

choosing what and when i eat

and other pursuits

-----

my good friend in san diego gets by

with fewer teeth but generally happier

than my other two closest friends

who are both so overwhelmed

that like me

they find precious few moments of respite

the times of catching up and feeling normal

are shorter and further between

the lengthening periods of chaos

car repairs and cycling too far to

jobs we are not sure we want

and that's precisely the problem

with inflation

one thing plies on the next

and it's a slippery slope

all the way

to an entire world i haven't agreed to

except perhaps under significant duress

-----

11 pier parking lot

ocean beach, ca 9210B

is one place it is possible to retire

at least in moments

to have time for the waves

conversation and friendship

trips to the mountains

picnics in the park

music and sharing

it does call for taking a stand

against what is perhaps most accurately subsumed under

the violence of money

and FOR the liberating compassion of awareness

which turns on the benevolent power another friend calls

the electrical potential within every one of our cells

and here is the conversation

i somehow cannot find here within

the shrinking working class worldframe

the vision of the global picnic

it's in the waves

-----

there is plenty to do

work and play all blend

yet it all remains fairly closely related

to a direct contribution to life

others' lives, one's own

the cosmic order itself perhaps

certainly it is better for the earth

to consume so much less

yet it is of course illegal to live in one's van

legally defined as sleeping outdoors

anywhere in san diego

-----

well of course it is say the middle class

who i resent still

even as i dream of selling out at last

even though it is too late

there is no time left

and no way to

fit in

to a culture ten times more macho

and perhaps simultaneously feminized

than i ever could have been adapted to

in the first place

we europeans killed too many of each another

for too many centuries

to play these fucking unconscious gender games any longer

-----

i am lucky though

i live in the world's remaining superpower

where every civility is crumbling

where if you're smart and wealthy enough

you have like the various scapegoats in nazi germany

already left

and i just hope to accidentally time some trip abroad

when the whole thing crumbles

will i be on a farm in france

denmark or argentina

i will likely own a bicycle and not much else

a fiddle perhaps

trading labor like every other serf in history

until i up and die

yet living until then at least

with that shred of integrity

of freedom

my remaining dream

of remaining human

-----

with every day i hang on at tjs

i'm saving for it

one way or another i promise

i will prove to everyone

love matters

i have energy

for nary another

thought

halfway to nowhere

i don't really want to go to the kiva

but probably will

i don't care to continue at trader joe's

but have committed to a place for the summer

i find the prospect of farming in Argentina daunting

but realize that is actually what i am organizing my life to do

assuming the pole shift

hasn't turned the world upside down by then

-----

i want the romantic dream

a little permaculture cottage on ten acres

a trusted partner

and some like-minded communal journeyers

home and some beauty

but i guess i should go

gear up for the apocalypse

instead

-----

it's been an ongoing koan

for nearly a half century:

how to invest in a personal life

amidst times

calling for some shamanic transformation

the new ager in me says i came for

but which unceasingly destroys

what's left of

joy

-----

i have always done better when selling out

although there have been a couple of good rides

on the seeking side

the worst is always this

doing things halfway

eros

yes i am afraid so

it is the only topic worth writing about

since it is all that i think about

pretty much

good thing i at least mean it

in a fairly broad sense

eros as longing for the other

light seeking darkness

conscious seeking unconscious

and always

no matter what

seeking travel

-----

i have just finshed my milk shake

here at the overpriced yuppie cafe

in yuppie nob hill

where I came after being bored to tears

by a non-eros party

and again in the broader sense

yet perhaps no less offensive

a whole lot of middle class

white folks sitting around

being boring

risking nothing

chitting and chatting

no one creating or proposing or seeking

this is obviously a direct reflection back to me

as i considered for several long hours

the need to become more practical

now that i am 48 and such

fuck that

-----

it may also be a direct reflection

that i was just not interested in anyone there

in the stricter sense of eros

i have to confess the only gals i have regret about

are strictly the most beautiful ones

any what-if wondering i have ever had

is a completely shallow affair based on chemistry

weird how that is

i continue to recover from the hoax that was california

speaking of which

i moments ago realized that it was a trial run

to see how it would feel to be in love with someone

fairly consistently for six months or so

i liked it

i just want the whole manifestation now

-----

it is amazing how many women i've pursued or dated

or been in various compromised positions with

the last eleven years

yet in only two cases

of approximately three months each

was i in any kind of consistent sexual relationship

i have to conclude from this

in order to not run screaming down the hall

that i must have a significant need for

eros

-----

i liked sarah a lot

she didn't bore me ever

she is so alive and full of inquiry

beautiful as the day is long

i miss her in moments

but not the insanity

of self-denial

trying to fit my needs into

those of the other guy

i am bigger than that

and far more intense

-----

what is it like to be normal

to think like other people

to imagine you can cut your little corner

of the universal deal

to have a child and partially survive

your date with mortality thus

while the quality of life around the planet goes to hell

because of too many people becoming as unconscious

as i would if i were to choose to be a father

it would be all money all the time and

just accept the rest

there would be no time for eros

no less saving the world

like we are

-----

i wish i had a great punch line

you can probably insert your own

oh well

i'm sure there's more to say

perhaps this:

the chi of the midlife crisis

need not be acted out to fruition

but it deserves at least the attention

it takes to harvest that overwhelming drive

and at least sublimate it

into something

it doesn't need to be a shamanic dimensional

achievement either

just maybe a rock band

or some dumb but beautiful thing

i can do while i'm here

how i found my callings

community

is a precious need for me

met yesterday

belonging

another and related

also

contribution

is the one that really completes

the circle

perhaps prayer then grows

the spiral

-----

i get peripheral at stop signs

was my thought

as i careened down silver street

past other streets

as we seek to exchange secrets

like how european

and much of latin american culture

has it way over us

good food, quality of life

some connection to the Earth

no matter how small

is precioso

tambien

-----

i am thinking with such a hard turn

a pensar en Espanol

i am not even practicing

i am just soaking it up

energetically

i'm sinking deeply into

my italian roots

i know it's all illusion

that i'm latin after all, right?

hence el decription de un Chileno

de los Argenitnos

un poco mas italiano

es muy interesante

y los lecciones aparecen

bien

-----

i hope to find my people there

of course

a little south of Aztlan

maybe they were the farm community

i saw on youtube

where they do contact improv

dancing

to beautiful music all day long

duh

-----

now my Chilean ex would have corrected me

after gritting her teeth listening to me

i guess i am reclaiming her

as my last actual girlfriend

i miss her insults

now i can thumb my nose

like a raging Maradonna

across mutually admiring borders

-----

it's not a question of if

i go

it's a question of how

and when

-----

it's good to find my people here too

i sat in with several bands yesterday

thinking each of them had invited me to join them

meanwhile those guys never made it onstage

played mando groove

to a songwriter viola duet

played violin on all out improv

along with a healing harpist who was

perfectly synchronized with electric bass

how can one just not shine at a benefit gathering

the benevolence was palpable

musically all i could think of

is Dios Mio

somebody play a ranchera!

-----

community

my next song

albuquerque means there's always a headwind

belonging

i educate people by the way i ride my bicycle claiming the right of way on the new bike crossings for the benefit of all mankind

contribution

prayer

dwelling in the Earth

well things are rolling

in the vision manifesting department

a friend is renting out his groovy sf apartment

above the barn on the ranch

with garden space and horses

and lama foundation seems very doable

there are verbal possibilities for nicaragua

and i am inventorying the argentina wwoof farms

now an offer from a friend

who can't take an available groundskeeping

slash gardening job on the north side of taos

and has passed on the contact

well well

that leave of absence thing

may come around soon

-----

lots of good vibes at the benefit party

for a coworker today

jammed with a few folks

flirted with people

and had at least one person

really get into my playing

to see my passion

which was very satisfying

some very groovy moments

and a couple music contacts too

coulda used just a bit more attention to uptempo

a couple dance tunes for the latin

it was good to hone in on my need for staccato

nevertheless some very healing relaxing stuff

and fun to gather as a community

-----

i manage the daily maintenance tasks

dogsits and vehicle registrations

effectively without dwelling too much on them

except to say i am sinking into the serious pluses

of owning a subaru in the mountains

found my first dirt road today

boy did that feel good

it is time to begin enjoying a long summer of

picnicking

with options for fall beauty

and winter serenity

if i head just a tad north

or possibly another summer

if i head far enough

south

empathy afternoon

I sat in my first NVC-oriented group in at least a couple months today, that is, nonviolent communication-related practice.

I feel relieved to reconnect with a state of being that is at once simple and profound. On the group level, I enjoyed a sense of togetherness in community free of conflict, where we are grateful for one another's presence. In terms of activity, I enjoyed contributing with my presence to another's energetic clearing.

The shared sense of humanity also offered a safe space for me to realize my own sadness at the recent relational disconnection in my life. It is strange to see that I have been hovering above this feeling, experiencing instead more guilt or worry or negative self-evaluation. I have also been more focused on strategizing about what to do or not do, to make contact or not, and with what kind of approach.

The forthright mourning of the disconnection offered instead a reconnection to myself, to my own experience. What a relief! How much energy have I unconsciously expended amidst a nervous system imagining it needs to do something for things to be okay?

I have noticed before how a few moments of empathy can unwind any craving for getting high, by providing a similar quality of safety and softness, yet with a much more grounded aspect.

It is also reassuring to have conversations with a common understanding about striving for consciousness and integrity--after accommodating other norms in the recent relationship experiences. There has been the romantic pull, with its various imperatives, and the self-consciousness of trying to be understood across a great divide of experience and intention.

Mostly there has been a single-minded attachment to strategizing--to taking action, proving affection, making it really happen, etc. While I had awakened to the craziness of the ethical conundrums involved in our particular situation, only today am I realizing the more fundamental trouble of being addicted to action. By dropping back into being with what is, I reconnect with a vast flexibility of options for meeting needs, for rest and recovery, self-connection and self-esteem, connection to others and fun, and so on.

Acceptance and consciousness had become vague new-agey personality flaws amidst an imperative to demonstrate appropriate virility and commitment. It is no wonder I was becoming so inept. Not only was I pitted against my own value system, I was seeking to become one-dimensional, an uber-lover unrestrained by the practicalities of age, energy, money, or the experiences of a lifetime. And so I was.

I have noticed before that quality empathy has generally proven far more satisfying than romance in meeting needs for love. The space of compassionate witnessing also supports reconnection to innate self-esteem.

It is good to come home.

essence

what is there left to say

the miraculous energy available to us

in every moment and manifestation

of Creation

nearly beyond words in itself

then painting through me

the most spectacular set

of synchronicities

far beyond the capacity

of my embattled conscious will

and flowering forth

despite my best three stooges imitation

of a man with a plan

or perhaps because of and through it

especially in the saving grace

of my firm commitment

(one bridge at least from this land to that)

to see something at last through

to its essence

gathering

after yesterday's post
suddenly i found seemingly everyone i know
and a bunch of people i hadn't known

and enjoyed fabulous company
the entire rest of the day

from the starbucks corner gatherings
over a couple hours
to a friend taking me backpack shopping
to a beautiful crystal shop

all sorts of extracurricular activities
and learnings

improvised dance-like motions
and skipping along the way

then to a potluck jam
where i brought some collard greens
i had invested in at the coop for the occasion
and enjoyed five helpings of fabulous
vegan mac and cheese

it was good to play a bit
really good to hang out with friends

and begin healing
as i gather

i came out here
to restore my sanity

just another day in OB

i am taking inventory
of the best times in my life

to see how they evolved
and how they subsequently dissolved

i thought i would take a time out
from the index cards and coffee drinking

to come to the OB library
and sit next to a man

having an in-depth personal conversation
with an invisible friend

-----

i have been unable to find anyone i know today
so i've watched capoeira by the beach

stared at the waves a while
watched a mother and daughter negotiate boundaries

walked past my old house
chatted with a barista who likes to play drums

bought two cliff builder bars for a buck
said hi to a disturbed woman

who didn't remember meeting me yesterday
celebrated memories of the finest meal

i've had in a while
tuna fish and pea soup salad

over laughter with a good friend
in the landscaped courtyard

of the ritzy hotel in which
i once considered helping someone

cheat on her primary relationship

-----

for more complete news
join us nightly at six and ten

now we return you
to your regularly scheduled

programming

unaffordable

i wish i knew what to say

interesting vacation
breaking up with someone i wasn't with

but spent my last bucks to come see

after losing my journal
address book and phone

less than $20 for the rest of this vacation
means a friend's food supplies

and jack in the box i guess
but at least the hostel bed is paid for

probably won't even go to the music fest
i came to play in

since i can't afford to get in

anyone know where
there's a water fountain

around here

1000 miles away

i know most everyone is beyond blogging now
with twitter and facebook and all
but i will continue on
holding down this
now ancient
technology

it was a stretch to get back out here to san diego this week, to spend my last couple hundred bucks on vacation, staying with friends and eating farmers maket samples, when my car back in burque is not even running and i still haven't even bought a toaster for my place

but i am glad to get away, burque has been a definite grind the last four months, and without the quality-of-life perks that make work worthwhile--such as a beach to jump in every afternoon after work, parks everywhere, beautiful people in minimal clothing, ocean misty wet goodness all around, new things to see, experimental entertaining people on ever corner kicking soccer balls and initiating conversations and on and on

i jumped under some 60 degree waves today, in the 80 degree sunshine, before and after hanging with friends in the hood, while i have great neighbors back in burque who let me hold their 6 month old son on the groovy porch, my community needs are so much more powerfully fulfilled here, among fascinating fellow travelers who share most everything they have including sleeping spaces and food supplies

the trick here is that there is so much more stimulus, it is easy to overindulge, i counted five distinct moments of invitation to get high today, and the day is not over yet, each offering that glimpse into deeper conversation and communion with one another and the beauty all around, and i passed all five times, but not without consideration

i passed because i find it too easy to slide down that slippery slope as i have again recently, into dysfunctional infrastructure, poor boundaries, and general moodiness

i am also realizing that is a major reason why things fell apart for me here in sd, it is sooo juicy to get high and trip out on the unceasing waves and musical inspirations and cosmic connections and paradigm shifting friends, yet i for one become too sensitive to those aspects of my life like work and money where there are stresses and interpersonal challenges and physical demands, and the temptation to let it go and just be in the sunny yumminess for as long as the money lasts becomes irresistable, especially with an entire subculture to encourage one onward

yet with this slightly bipolar brain, everything just gets too fat and there is no medicine for that, but abstinence or disappearance

to the mountains where you have to fight for every glimpse of the good life, and you get stronger even if you feel weaker, where people conserve energy rather than kick soccer balls and yell on streetcorners, and we save water too

where fulfillment is in loving oneself enough to give to others and that means a certain conservation, prioritizing nurturance and down time when off the clock, in order to acquire some of the meager resources available in the desert

whereas by the ocean the key is to always be a little lit, a little caffeinated, ready to jump into the moment of connection with another's opened eyes, and find the possibility of sharing and trading and gifting, smoke and sage and food, and a buck or some info and a place to stay

i guess for better or worse this begins to describe just why i am a lonely working class bastard bicycling to work in a windy dust bowl town where it rains an inch a year and people sell you cars that don't run

1000 miles away from most of life's fondnesses