gestalt chapter one: preening and posturing

underneath the busyness
is loneliness

underneath the loneliness is

a kind of emptiness
san diego is a very white town

upper middle class deadness
some delusion
i thought america was beyond

a world where the norm for men
is a kind of behavior i associate
with frat boys

ignorance and privilege
most specifically

to be oblivious

__________

women do not generally make eye contact
the norm is to tune in rather codependently
to their mates

part of a whole dance i have never understood

the preening and posturing
all semi-conscious

at best

________

problem as i see it
especially with all the unbelievably spoiled kids

who are also the norm
is that the planet can't take much more of

the outright stupidity such behavior

engenders

_______

testosterone itself
is a rather dubious phenomenon of nature

although sexuality overall has been useful

staying ahead of viral mutations
by shuffling the genetic deck

it's not viruses who threaten the species now
it's our own stupidity

and the subsequently increasing
perhaps now likely probability
we will make our habitat unlivable

for complex mammals including ourselves
who depend upon sensitive hormomal cues and food webs

which in turn are extremely sensitive to environmental toxins
like the pharmaceuticals in the entire planet's drinking water

the pesticides everywhere
the heavy metals everywhere
and whatever's in the air this week

in your neighborhood

________

meanwhile endless billions get poured into
male and now female
libido enhancers

and in the bigger picture
preserving individual lives with minimal quality of experience
and i know it sounds heartless

it just seems like such a tragic compensation
for so many lives spent
actively avoiding an ounce of maturity

any connection to why we are even here

or any contribution of empathy
to future generations

beyond the idea that nation and class
are thicker than

skin

________

really i think i am just more european

i'm so done with empire
over there they gave it up

after a couple thousand years
of wasted time

preening and posturing

wildlife

after working until midnight
in the midst of the three-day weekend
i got to sleep shortly after one

i was awakened sometime in the pitch
by my own coughing
and the realization my house had been inundated
with skunk spray

for which intermittent waking
opening windows and such
was no help whatsoever

planes barrelled through at 6:30 am
with heavier than usual memorial day air traffic

for which earplugs were also no help

so amidst thick lingering stink
pervading taste buds
skin and sinus

i arose

to find and kill
ants crawling all over my kitchen

walked outside to the sound of screeching feral parrots
to consider whether the scratching sound underneath the deck
might be housing the noxious culprit

heard morning church bells
and awaited the chimes to tell me if it was already
8 or 10

who knows
another jet just roared overhead

NEWPORT PHOTO ESSAY

My home is on Newport Avenue, one block up from my niece's school and the local ball field where every evening there is softball, baseball, or kickball going on.

view from home: school bus in view, with Pacific Ocean beyond

Newport then morphs into several blocks of shops, bars and restaurants, as well as a colorful street scene of buskers and spangers.

a reknown local head shop

voted best burgers: there's always a line

you have to be international to stay here

quiet morning

Newport is the most direct route for me to get to the beach, as well as my favorite cafe.

view from my cafe perch toward the Pacific

waves

The avenue also hosts a great weekly farmer's market, with great ethnic foods, organic produce, music, llama rides and the whole deal. This week, I met a vendor who brings back chile from New Mexico every August: woohoo!

elder nephew Erik
apparently haggling with rock vendor

Ralph, Grant & Kristin

pondering another vendor's wares


shoppers

HOME & GARDEN

I hope you'll enjoy a few more pics of the plot I live on. If you click on a photo, I think you get the larger original image with a zoom option for nice detail and color!

this is the main house

lemony yard

my place


steeds for land and sea


corn sprouts
>70% germination (so far)

corn sprouts close up

tubulin

i'm effin exhausted again
thinking of heading to this place
http://blindlady.blogspot.com/
for tipsy tuesdays
with a local group
who network through the couchsurfers site
even though they don't couch
kind of an alternative to meetup

but i'm in questionable shape to drive
i'm sure i'll be fine but today feel all the arthritis
i know i have when i don't eat right
smoke too much and don't exercise
move to a dense moist climate at sea level

tweaked the wrist at work of course
during crazy understaffed sunday
when i wasn't even trying to be macho
just stay awake
aggravating the fall finger injury
and the ten other issues in the violin fingering arm

which reminds me
got an invite to play with a legit band
i met through that folk circle
now what
an hour commute
and no control over my schedule
makes things complicated
at least the tweak gave me an excuse
to blow off the guy i played with the other day
who couldn't sing in key

i know reaggravations are actually stirring up unfinished healing
already got adjustment clicks
in my knuckle
elbow and shoulder today
now just have to work out the left eye socket temple mandible contraction
due to the upper root canal a couple years that flares up now and then too
but no one wants to hear about that

biked to the kids house today
grandma's back from the hospital
so everyone is stressed and miserable to be around again
and there's hardly room to help
especially from exhaustion

at least got the niece to the pool
where some metalhead mormon talked to me
about cybernetic psychology
essentially agreeing with every new ager
that we are learning to create our own reality
now i guess on a quantum level
due to something called
tubulin

someone look it up for me would ya
i got beer to drink

FORAY

it being a work night

didn't stop me from eating half a package of chocolate almond clusters and
altered

jumping on the bike at 9 pm to venture out into
the wilds of OB

_________

lucky to have grabbed the vest

i was greeted with 50 degree damp winds
on this waxing gibbons moon night

and heading north
ostensibly to ferret out

a new and friendlier drinking establishment

i was as usual drawn
inexorably

to the beach

_______

i'm sure she misses me
when i don't visit for a day

she seems to leap up with the entirety of her being
when i return

as i gaze
riveted to her undulations

white foamy laughter
and deep dark alluring

waters

_______

i don't know for sure if bikes are allowed on the beach
so i tied up the trusty steed

hitched her to a post
actually

and walked on down the beach

_______

i remembered the italian deli
mark recommended

got a late night meatball sandwich

refreshing to watch italians unceremoniously
throw things around

headed down the pier
amidst few others

fool enough to walk out over the night's gusty sea

and amidst her cold and briny air
ate with a gusto

salty fatty goodness

_________

thinking of sailors

my grandpa's big crossing at 17
mom's at 20

until again captivated
by bubbling clouds of crests

and the continuing punctuated perception
that every wave has its own distinct personality

amidst the gathering green murk
of this rising tide's

underlying insistence

and turning back to the shoreline
and walking back up the beach
and getting back on the bike

i dodged a skittering maybe-cat

on the way home

OB SCENES

curbside view of Newport Avenue
from home

music

played with anarchist navy guy last night down on newport, above the wednesday evening farmers market, nice guy who pounds on his guitar harder than i do which is a lot, highlights ring of fire and some pogues tune about being a drunk

joined a friendly and welcoming folk music jam circle near work the night before, mostly older folks, got the card of a GOOD dobro player in the north county whose band was featured, and am in correspondence with another fiddler with some Cajun music creds

instruments about

opting to not drive 45 min to encinitas tonight for similar jam, instead having some needed chill time hanging at the house, catching up on rest and calories, where i find i can crank up the itunes fairly fat without it being very audible outside

slightly functional kitchen
note to self: eat more corn flakes

waves

got into the ocean this afternoon, in a wetsuit given to me by my landlord who's been surfing since 1963, and on a boogie board rode the longest wave of my life, from fairly deep water all the way onto the sand, i would estimate i was cruising on top of this wave for 7 or 8 seconds and covered something like 30 to 50 yards, was just about expecting applause but was laughing loud nonetheless

surf's up!

post big wave

ranged internally from wow i move like a fish must be growing up by the beach to holy sheit i'm getting crushed by these waves and just hope that whatever else i don't have to get rescued

family

signs of stress at the kids' place, guessing at empathy needs underneath, at least got nephew Grant (10) out to the pool where he talked and talked, and then entertained himself in the water for well over an hour, plans to get his brother Erik (13) to the beach and on a board tomorrow afternoon

nephew Grant
savoring the water

poolside foliage

nvc

after first full work week, already at five days, could use some general empathy myself so last week posted suggestion for empathy circle around ocean beach bonfire, it was well received, now i need to get some wood (tons free on craigslist) and nvc book and schedule it in

miscellaneous
wires everywhere, if i find my camera download wire, photos will make this a much better blog

in search of said wire, so far i have grabbed the phone charger, a speaker wire, the radio cord, an unplugged skype cam, the speaker wire again, the printer cable

ah there it is

my two scents

i read today that cajun music is actually celtic
by way of nova scotia and the maritime provinces
from which the cajuns were displaced...

how did i get through this day
of celebration and mourning

awakened at 6:30 by the airport's precision
in flying 747s directly over my house

at an altitude of about 50 feet

too much toxicity and twitching and exhaustion
to sleep any more

job is intensely challenging energetically
i'm completely exhausted
like too tired to eat
back and joints hurting

and the cultural norms out here make no sense to me
everywhere i go
people old and young alike

look at me as if to say

is there a skunk in the yard?

__________

took the boys to the flea market
had a pretty good time hanging out

the trinkety results alas
were harshly jackal-ed by their father

one of the most painful experiences
i've gone through in a long time

it was very difficult to maintain equilibrium
seeing my nephew cry and apologize to him
thinking he did something wrong

i just had to interject
you've got nothing to apologize for, boy

which clued dad into taking a less
esteem-destroying tack

bro in law then amidst massive headache
accidentally clunked one of his mom's infected legs
with a wheelchair part causing significant bleeding

it was a virtual pain parade

_______

i took the dad out

for a brief drive and walk
to the drugstore to get some paper

he seemed calmer
having even a few minutes of space from that
overcrowded apartment of needs

amidst my fatigue
it was what i could think to offer to the situation
along with continuing compassionate presence

as best i could

pass it on

________

headed home and crashed out hard
waking up at dusk

ate a quart of yogurt with various sides

put on bruce daigrepont
and fantasized about quitting and moving to new orleans

to learn cajun fiddle
and take up a longstanding challenge from the universe
to become a bandleader

felt immensely better
knowing there's a righteous role out there somewhere for me

put the mando on my back
and shamelessly walked down newport avenue

strumming and playing
amidst the neon-inflicted urban bar crowds

on the way to the beach

____________

every day an ordeal

this one ends happily
as i discover some fun new music

playing for the little fish

the ones that make it back into the ocean
after being washed up on shore

before being scarfed by tiny white birds
and excited humans

along with a quiet fire pit
with hot coal left glowing
by which to warm myself

and get out my sandy portable tape recorder
to receive the compositions

________

realize
this is only because

i am not one to rest in a comfort zone
like a groovy reggae beat that turns moldy
in the eternity of its mid-tempo groove

no

i must adventure to find hard new places
the constellations of which i could not have imagined

in order to unravel their knotted mysteries
or grateful to at least utilize them

better define my sanctuaries-
those places i commit to Life

living music
the moving water
compassionate presence

Divine Mystery Itself

and bicycles

newport avenue at midnight

let's see if i can do this in a good way

i'd like to express without too much in the way of sarcastic jackal-ing
my growing fascination with the immense alienation that has come over me
the last few days

it would be easy to lampoon the sometimes-exhausting
customers at the suburban strip mall
in the wealthy neighborhood i work in

or discuss the perhaps-more-pertinent
proximity of this city
to los angeles

but let me just document tonight's walk down newport avenue

_______

fairly tight danceable reggae band

at the portugese place that lost its alcohol license
and turned itself into a private club
where you sign in

with a name like say
joe gendarme

(with apologies to joeg@hotmail.com:

the doorman said they just needed a last name
he didn't say they needed mine)

even got a decent dance in with
a lithe female

before the sound got too harsh and loud

i finished my warmly-served corona
to go get my ear plugs

from the car i'd driven two blocks from my house

so that i could have the mando in the backseat
in case i wanted to walk and play on the beach later

____________

on i walked past the five or six bars at the beach-end of the block
where despite neon lights and crowds milling about

there is nothing ever going on

at least for me

arriving at the beach
i noticed a few people walking from the south

and looked up to realize
there was a whole scene going on

on the long pier
that is considered such an OB fixture

and having neglected to heretofore
strode directly to walk its length

_________

very cool watching the waves roll in
from above them

i felt some welcome depth of connection
observing the undulations arising

from seeming deep water stillness
to crash like a thousand cymbals
on the shore

i saw many fisherman
ignoring single-pole stipulations posted

casting neon-green LED-bobbed
lines into black midnight waters

i enjoyed the intense focus with which
one removed his ringing bell
to manually work his reel

_________

some twenty minutes later
i arrived at pier's end

and finding a spot between the lamps
peered west into the dark mists
of the pacific

never have i seen such colors

it would be more accurate to say
lack of color

texture or depth

an immense emptiness

floating shades of grey and black
with no perceptible horizon

a deeply welcome reminder of the existence
of things unknown

a site so compelling in its
very sensory deprivation

it was as if to ask me:

do i exist?

_______

walking back
i was nearly hit by a fish

a trout someone was flinging up onto the pier
just over my head

and i realized the purpose of my coming here
is yet to be determined

it will be colored by working with this very alienation

by coming to understand it
and by whatever actions i take in the coming weeks

to reckon with it

_________

back up the block
past the beatles tribute band

and the sax player on the corner
toward my car

where i could hear the reggae band still jammin hard
and driving home two blocks up the hill

where as i turned in
was pretty sure i could still just make out the horns

GARDEN PLANTING & YARD PHOTOS w/ NIECE KRISTIN

the nothing-politically-correct-whatsoever garden:

soil amended with store-bought compost and $5 shovel from home depot to disturb the natural soil layering, watered with city water from house faucet

niece Kristin finds in the yard
an unidentified subtropical blossom

directly west of garden:
yummy beautiful lemon tree

Kristin's lemon face--
but you can't hide those curls!

Kristin (actual face)

directly east of garden:
grapefruit tree

directly south of the garden:
name that tree

closeup of the ten-inch-long hanging pod

bananas!

suburban gardener

my first actual garden planted in years: a 3'x8' raised bed

curious how the Hopi Blue Corn (larger "first generation" kernels)
will companion with the Thai Siam Queen Basil scattered across,
and how any of it will do in subtropical San Diego climate and soil

a special resonance

didn't attend the 2nd day of Cajun fest
ostensibly for reasons of rest

seven hours of overstimulation is great

but two days in a row
before a workday seemed reckless

besides there were gardens to plant
and kids to schlep

neither of which actually materialized
leaving me time to sink into

the depth of an encounter
i'd been avoiding recognition of

with a couple Cajuns

___________

there are perfectly good reasons for this avoidance
and indeed it has been complicated to face

but the fact is i was quite torn about missing
Mr. Daigrepont's second day performance
and informal talk

it was either going to be a bit disappointing
or more likely even more inspiring

either of which i did not need

to add fuel to the fire
of a misplaced dream

arriving before its time

_________

i understand what a friend feels now

for as she is not a Celt
i am not Cajun

yet find myself crying
to songs i don't even understand the words to

and shaking uncontrollably on the dance floor
to blissful polyrhythms driving
a tent of hundreds of swing and folk dancers
amidst very accessible roots music

where does this resonance come from
understanding so palpable

such eye contact and connection to the players
amidst five hundred dancers

that when i bought a CD afterward
and offered that I thoroughly enjoyed the music

the man lights up and says
I could tell!

________

i could write of a sound and rhythm
that can only be understood by those
who have journeyed long and through deprivation

and without knowing whether home
would ever find its way to them again

and so finding solace in the unyielding emptiness
from which paradoxically rises

the most indescribable strength
drawing up from one's own roots

the simple songs and ancestral voices
the gritty smile won through tenacity

gratitude for the indulgences we are afforded
in such moments of communal celebration

and the dance

_______

fawning over the fiddler
a large woman with a glint in her eye

something was mentioned about
coming to New Orleans

to jam

that's when i began losing my ground
and wading back

knowing there are dozens of songs to learn
and such groundwork to lay

that it was time to graciously go

i would neither confuse issues
of endorphin-rich states
with this fiddler

nor turn toward another long hard soul road beckoning

by letting myself dream
of moving to New Orleans

just yet

BON TEMPS

you knew you'd fit right in with the whole Cajun idea
of laissez-ing les bon temps roulez

what's not to love about dancing all day or night
and utilizing a little alcohol for its highest purpose
of loosening people up so as to connect and laugh

and to normalize the idea of older women pulling shy guys
who haven't even had their first beer yet
onto the dance floor

add in a nice park alongside the San Diego Bay
a bunch of great live Cajun and Zydeco bands on five stages
a gorgeous and pleasantly diverse urban population
a few participatory events like dance classes and a music jam

and stir

______

the vendors get to do their thing
security folks get paid

food booths make bucks selling sausages and crawfish
and whatever-with-red-sauce

folks set up circles of folding chairs to party
or just find a nice spot to cuddle on the grass

while fiddlers meet and mingle
exchange cards with locals
and fawn over Louisiana greats

can you say Bruce Daigrepont?

______

just as you think it's getting a bit crowded
things start to thin out just enough

just as you think the sun's getting kinda hot
a sumptuous cool breeze rolls in off the bay

and some seven hours later

walking back to your car
watching seagulls and small boats in the setting sunlight

wonder how am i so lucky

finding my stride

good grounded day
after sleeping like a sea-level rock

online and on the phone half the day
learning more than i ever thought i would about the onboard diagnostics of my 96 prizm
mostly that it is a mutant car that doesn't meet any specifications for anything
so i get to go see a referee on monday to determine whether i will be able to drive it here

then biked over to the kids' place
to instigate a trip to dog beach
hauling the boys away from their computer games
and into the warming-up waves

a success for uncle mike:
they enjoyed themselves

barney the sweet and weiner-ish dog
got his first opportunity to meet all the other pups in the hood
while trying to navigate his low belly through the sand

after the muse-ful night recently blogged about
reclaiming my space to experience beauty here
i am finding my stride again amidst such more mundane
but no-less-welcome matters

joining meet-up groups for empathy practice
biking strong through rush hour traffic
doing some outreach to connections old and new
getting psyched for tomorrow's gator-by-the-bay cajun music fest

and shortly off to the weekly four hour dance jam
a neighborhood or two over

really not all that mundane i suppose

SHORELINE

i'll tell you a secret

i walked back down to the beach last night
with mandolin strapped to my back

and with the beach to myself
got high

speaking mandolin-infused poetry
to my beloved

ocean

______

i reflected on the warrior and the lover within

the disillusionment expected
on time and necessary

to remain unattached to the delusions
of the world

and then i walked with my mandolin
knee deep into strangely warm ocean waves

amidst darkness

_________

such a reminder
of the commitment to bring medicine
through this life and world

whether pagan or tantric
massage or shamanic
hallucinogenic or chi
sound poetry or music

and without demand
but as an answer to the question

what better game is there to play?

______

then i remembered who i am

as i remembered Great Spirit
and all the benevolent mentors and allies

including the waves who like us rise up
in a brief and sparkling moment of individual existence

after journeying thousands of miles to find ourselves

expressing a universally unique shape and song
as we exhaust ourselves onto the shore

and before receding into the Whole
the moment suspended in an absolute extension of reach

play with the poets
we might laughingly meet

at the shoreline

hassle city

been one of those days-and-a-half

missed freeway turns
rude traffic and loud planes
missed meet-up
unfriendly doorman
stove burner hardly works
power strip broken
$300 first estimate on a needed tune up
money's flying out of the wallet
and no work until next week

chair-bound grandma pissed off the nurse and had no one else to turn to in NY
so flew out here and moved in with the kids so now everyone's overcrowded and miserable
consoling themselves on personal laptops and by being away from the house
where her yap dog chihuahua barks ceaselessly at me when I try to visit

and if one doesn't shower after swimming in the ocean
things get itchy very fast

_____

furthermore

I continue to encounter the great divide in OB
for I apparently stand upon it:
too straight for the raggedy hippies
too weird for the uppity straights

don't know what happened to all those smiling friendly females I imagined I saw
or my own resourcefulness for that matter

but amidst all this richness
lemon trees and feral parrots

I've become aware of a certain attitude
a privileged whiteness I had forgotten about
dominant and willful and separating

and this who I am not
is ironically helping me orient again

to who I am

beach journal

day one

arrive on the beach
head up 4 1/2 blocks to the new home

unpack and head out onto the streets
biking around the hills of Ocean Beach

amazed to find myself
biking around the hills of Ocean Beach

over to my niece's ninth birthday celebration
at the pool with pizza and cake

evening beach walk


day two

breakfast at the cafe near the beach
before biking around some more

found the library (got online), the community gardens (applied for a spot), the aikido dojo (introduced myself and observed a class)

dinner with the family
before the evening's beach walk


day three

slow day, slept in, got the new place put together, listened to radio
went and dove in the 59 degree ocean
took a nap

back down to the beach at night
after a big glowing orange ball dumped itself into the misty blue distance
watched a game of glow-in-the-dark bocci


day four

commuted up to work to find out
I have to wait until next week to start
since I have hours from Albuquerque
already on the card this pay period

helped out setting up the flyer tasting
introduced myself to a lot of people

ate a lot of beef and stuff

headed back down the mountain
to map out my next few days

then met my bro-in-law

on the beach