Honestly, some days I am Che completely finished with the system with every clear ideal in alignment with full divestment, and aware of the power of hardness that every leader must have, even if it means a sacrifice of my own comfort and even health.
Other days I am completely driven by the overwhelming purpose to realize a committed loving relationship in my life, which with either of the two women I am dancing in that direction with here, necessitates an entirely different set of choices and also a certain hardness to manifest.
If two callings are in conflict, can either actually be true?
Today is a day I imagine a middle path, and that is good, for to realize anything at all in any direction calls for capacities beyond the smaller sense of self. It looks like Yes and Love are the answers as Lennon said--the integrity of the Heart which raises the level of reflection to a new ground, bringing in a Higher Power, beyond the idealist/physical paradox.
-----
It is not simply a philosophical matter. My insurance runs out in four days unless I renew it, and I need significant dental work to be able to eat. My clutch will break soon if I keep driving it, and I still have no home, both of which makes me far less attractive as a potential mate. Yet to take care of just these simple matters uses up all of my savings instantly, and forces me to reinvest deeply in the dying corrupt-corporate-deceitful-patriarchal-war system directly responsible for the majority of suffering on the planet.
And that is even if I am ABLE to do so. I was already falling behind all these needs working 40 hours at $15/hr. What kind of magic must I call forth to actually thrive, by taking an even bigger piece of the ever-shrinking pie by more or less doubling that income? Seeing money as "energy" and all that new age stuff sure seems like a morally questionable form of self-hypnosis.
Add this to the fact that I could more or less repatriate to a place where a revolution was fought against this system of violence, oppression and denial. There, my current savings could last at least several months, and possibly indefinitely, and I imagine I could find some quality of inexpensive dental work to get the job done as well. Most of all, I would be divesting from the cruel and deceitful system here in this culture that I have never belonged to. This is not only moral but practical, both internally and due to the fact that the system faces inevitable collapse, likely soon.
Is this enough to deal with the heat and bugs and cultural challenges? Is this enough to separate from the two women I am already courting and bonding with here, in hopes I might someday find someone compatible abroad? That kind of heartless choice becomes one of the hardest sticking points.
-----
I have quit coffee and ganja this month, that I may find a deeper consistency in the source of my decisionmaking. I have used these yin/yang extremes far less than most of my friends, but have found slippage toward regular use beyond what may possibly have served me in either of the tools. Done.
Ganja takes the pressure off, depersonalizing the entire course of events, so that I do not feel such a moral pressure to do anything beyond maintaining awareness of all the insanity going on around me. It is easier to muse upon the bizarre existential conundrums we all face from that chemically-enhanced place. The flip side is that I tend to do nothing at all, while the teeth and car and all structure in my life slips away--not a problem, so long as I am willing to ultimately live as a homeless person. Or exit.
Coffee is the other extreme, stimulating all sorts of doing, to the extent of a robotic intensity. That course would probably get me back in the system. And as long I keep drinking it, I could keep the morality of my misfittedness here damped down. Battle for the self amidst the hell of it all.
Okay, we have clearly outlined the paradox. So let's get to the third side of this right here. Arriving in the Now, it tends to be of minimal syntax:
Heart. Yin/Yang pointing to Tai Chi. Zen. I-dimension unfolding full Human Capacity. Superconscious. Yes. Love. Yay. Unfold something Emergent in the Living Now. Reintegrating Shadows. Ancestral Healing. Empathy Practice & Giraffe Juice. God. Higher Power. Prayer and Meditation. Spiritual Awakening. Magic. Life.
My commitment: Every day I face my ideals, along with the chaos of material life. I attend to both directly, by holding the stress of the paradox squarely now. I put the dimensions into order as a sovereign human being and spiritual practitioner, every single day. As best I can. One day at a time.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Politics
Taking time for presidential politics is rather like walking out the door in the morning and stepping in dog crap. It is definitely best to be avoided.
I write nevertheless to clarify to my well-meaning liberal friends that I would never in a million years vote for as odious a ticket as the Republican offering of Romney-Ryan. That two such creeps could garner any public office at all is a testament to just how degraded the empire has become. It is almost enough to make me vote for the re-election of President Obama.
But not quite. I need to also point out to my friends that Obama has been the biggest disappointing sell-out in history. His course was obvious four years ago before the election when, after saying he would stand and fight the TARP bailout to the banks, he completely caved in and voted for the bailout. Subsequently, not billions but trillions of taxpayer dollars were sucked up by the already rich greedy banksters in the biggest transfer of wealth in history. No doubt this little maneuver punched his ticket to the presidency.
Among Obama's dubious achievements as president, two stand out. His fetish for utilizing predator drone bomber attacks is absolutely horrendous in its murder of innocent civilians, all of which gets so conveniently swept under the rug by both complicit media and fawning liberal supporters. It is also bad foreign policy, serving as a rallying point to unite America's enemies against such deadly bullying. It is in fact state-sponsored terrorism.
Even more revealing was the passage of the NDAA, authorizing indefinite detention of American citizens without charge. This blatantly unconstitutional act which should make any aware citizen shudder in its ramifications. Obama feigned disdain in signing it. Well, it was Carl Levin, of Obama's own party, who pointed out that the clause applying to American citizens was left in the act precisely because the administration demanded it.
Anyone who thus cannot subsequently see Obama's two-faced subservience to the powers of violence destroying the world has only themselves to blame. And I will not be a party to it. I will not vote for this man or for what he stands.
Keep in mind the bigger picture: presidential politics is a sideshow. Real politics happens every day on the streets and in the classrooms, between neighbors and in traffic, in every moment we are deciding how to treat one another, and what we stand for as people.
Effective politics also depends upon how much we are willing to educate ourselves as to reality. Do you really think 9/11 happened the way the government told you? Did you buy the entirely false news package about Osama Bin Laden's killing? Are you sure you know just what happened at Fukushima? Or at the shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin? If not, why not?
"An informed citizenry is the only true repository of the public will." Thomas Jefferson
I write nevertheless to clarify to my well-meaning liberal friends that I would never in a million years vote for as odious a ticket as the Republican offering of Romney-Ryan. That two such creeps could garner any public office at all is a testament to just how degraded the empire has become. It is almost enough to make me vote for the re-election of President Obama.
But not quite. I need to also point out to my friends that Obama has been the biggest disappointing sell-out in history. His course was obvious four years ago before the election when, after saying he would stand and fight the TARP bailout to the banks, he completely caved in and voted for the bailout. Subsequently, not billions but trillions of taxpayer dollars were sucked up by the already rich greedy banksters in the biggest transfer of wealth in history. No doubt this little maneuver punched his ticket to the presidency.
Among Obama's dubious achievements as president, two stand out. His fetish for utilizing predator drone bomber attacks is absolutely horrendous in its murder of innocent civilians, all of which gets so conveniently swept under the rug by both complicit media and fawning liberal supporters. It is also bad foreign policy, serving as a rallying point to unite America's enemies against such deadly bullying. It is in fact state-sponsored terrorism.
Even more revealing was the passage of the NDAA, authorizing indefinite detention of American citizens without charge. This blatantly unconstitutional act which should make any aware citizen shudder in its ramifications. Obama feigned disdain in signing it. Well, it was Carl Levin, of Obama's own party, who pointed out that the clause applying to American citizens was left in the act precisely because the administration demanded it.
Anyone who thus cannot subsequently see Obama's two-faced subservience to the powers of violence destroying the world has only themselves to blame. And I will not be a party to it. I will not vote for this man or for what he stands.
Keep in mind the bigger picture: presidential politics is a sideshow. Real politics happens every day on the streets and in the classrooms, between neighbors and in traffic, in every moment we are deciding how to treat one another, and what we stand for as people.
Effective politics also depends upon how much we are willing to educate ourselves as to reality. Do you really think 9/11 happened the way the government told you? Did you buy the entirely false news package about Osama Bin Laden's killing? Are you sure you know just what happened at Fukushima? Or at the shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin? If not, why not?
"An informed citizenry is the only true repository of the public will." Thomas Jefferson
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Living from the Inside Out
How long will it be 'til we've turned
To the tasks and the skills that we'll have to have learned
If we're going to find our place in the future
And have something to offer where this planet's concerned?
- Jackson Browne, How Long
I am noticing less transition in my sense of self than expected. I have been finished with my trader joe's career for 12 days now. I have no craving to get another job--ever. I've put in my time, and now I am willing to retire... at least as far as the corporate world is concerned.
I feel no worry about doing this at this strange juncture in global human affairs. There has been zero panic and zero regrets with the decision. I clearly gave this last four-year run at conforming to the wage-slavery system its best shot.
Pushing 50, I can see I will not live forever now. And this is a gift. There are simply things I want to do here, as well as things that need to be done. As a start, I am living more as a sovereign being now. It suits me well. I have slowed down and begun to heal my body. I have reprioritized relationships with people. I've done two housesits, one of which I received a surprising gratuity for--a great affirmation on these new priorities moving forward.
I have also taken care of someone's mini-farm for a week, including their two dogs and 18 chickens. Such satisfaction caring for other beings, plant and animal! I was able to share the beauty of the place, and some great music from the vinyl collection, with a couple close friends. It was great to just drop into that setting and feel what it could be like to do that kind of thing. I like!
I am coming alive again, catching up with rest, and deepening my capacity for contact improvisation dance, which helps strengthen my core. I've been enjoying the honest company of a special woman who I am not lovers with, along with a sweet (but apparently brief) dalliance with another lovely gal. I got the word yesterday, before heading out on my travels, that I just did not fit with said gal's vision for a long term partnership. Maybe I should have been a scotch drinker, or have owned a boat... who knows?
It is interesting that, moments before, she expressed her worry at the massive changes society is undergoing at present. I concurred and explained that this is an important aspect of the journey I am beginning. Yet she feels she can still envision what a desirable, secure partnership will look like... whereas I seriously wonder. I can imagine a small hovel in Latin America might ultimately prove to be more secure than anything here in the radioactive, politically crazed, economically collapsing, propagandized north.
Security might even turn out to be paradoxically found, by the strength of character arising from directly addressing the hypocritical violence of the current power structures. It may no longer be out there at all.
Really, there are no hard feelings with her, and in fact I am very grateful for all she has contributed to my growth in our short time together. She is right: I am likely forever burned out on the caffeinated treadmill of debt-based money games. I just see no security in old paradigm ways anymore, no safety in playing small, in getting paid to be a warm body in a corporation. Pensions, suits, savings, insurance, private real estate, credit, and cars mean even less to me than ever.
I seek to serve others more profoundly, and develop skills useful to Life. And that is what I am doing: vibrational attunement, bioremediation, shamanistic studies, permaculture, dance music, and supporting my community of beloved friends. Love? I might still make a suitable partner for someone someday, if Creator wills.
For now, I have put a bow on life's paperwork and stuff for a time, and that in itself is further liberation. Strange how seriously we take those printed pages of numbers and letters, especially when the $ symbol is present. After 50 years, I am releasing the karma of prioritizing money (along with control/security/order) over people and Life. Money, as my NVC teachers have told me, is simply one strategy to meet needs.
Now I know this to be true.
To the tasks and the skills that we'll have to have learned
If we're going to find our place in the future
And have something to offer where this planet's concerned?
- Jackson Browne, How Long
I am noticing less transition in my sense of self than expected. I have been finished with my trader joe's career for 12 days now. I have no craving to get another job--ever. I've put in my time, and now I am willing to retire... at least as far as the corporate world is concerned.
I feel no worry about doing this at this strange juncture in global human affairs. There has been zero panic and zero regrets with the decision. I clearly gave this last four-year run at conforming to the wage-slavery system its best shot.
Pushing 50, I can see I will not live forever now. And this is a gift. There are simply things I want to do here, as well as things that need to be done. As a start, I am living more as a sovereign being now. It suits me well. I have slowed down and begun to heal my body. I have reprioritized relationships with people. I've done two housesits, one of which I received a surprising gratuity for--a great affirmation on these new priorities moving forward.
I have also taken care of someone's mini-farm for a week, including their two dogs and 18 chickens. Such satisfaction caring for other beings, plant and animal! I was able to share the beauty of the place, and some great music from the vinyl collection, with a couple close friends. It was great to just drop into that setting and feel what it could be like to do that kind of thing. I like!
I am coming alive again, catching up with rest, and deepening my capacity for contact improvisation dance, which helps strengthen my core. I've been enjoying the honest company of a special woman who I am not lovers with, along with a sweet (but apparently brief) dalliance with another lovely gal. I got the word yesterday, before heading out on my travels, that I just did not fit with said gal's vision for a long term partnership. Maybe I should have been a scotch drinker, or have owned a boat... who knows?
It is interesting that, moments before, she expressed her worry at the massive changes society is undergoing at present. I concurred and explained that this is an important aspect of the journey I am beginning. Yet she feels she can still envision what a desirable, secure partnership will look like... whereas I seriously wonder. I can imagine a small hovel in Latin America might ultimately prove to be more secure than anything here in the radioactive, politically crazed, economically collapsing, propagandized north.
Security might even turn out to be paradoxically found, by the strength of character arising from directly addressing the hypocritical violence of the current power structures. It may no longer be out there at all.
Really, there are no hard feelings with her, and in fact I am very grateful for all she has contributed to my growth in our short time together. She is right: I am likely forever burned out on the caffeinated treadmill of debt-based money games. I just see no security in old paradigm ways anymore, no safety in playing small, in getting paid to be a warm body in a corporation. Pensions, suits, savings, insurance, private real estate, credit, and cars mean even less to me than ever.
I seek to serve others more profoundly, and develop skills useful to Life. And that is what I am doing: vibrational attunement, bioremediation, shamanistic studies, permaculture, dance music, and supporting my community of beloved friends. Love? I might still make a suitable partner for someone someday, if Creator wills.
For now, I have put a bow on life's paperwork and stuff for a time, and that in itself is further liberation. Strange how seriously we take those printed pages of numbers and letters, especially when the $ symbol is present. After 50 years, I am releasing the karma of prioritizing money (along with control/security/order) over people and Life. Money, as my NVC teachers have told me, is simply one strategy to meet needs.
Now I know this to be true.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
tantra def
i am grateful for quickies
especially for the thoughtfulness
and generosity behind the plan
that is why this limerance is
better than anything in recent years
am i beyond even this level
of conscious negotiation?
i want what i want
in terms of applying my life energy
and these dissipations again falter
good to learn
and turn then the question:
just what do i want?
-----
beauty at least is what I can now settle for
and love well needs to be love
when did it become this pale
and then why bother?
even if it goes wrong
i want the BIG LOVE
where the wheel is given over
to the Divine
even a little stupid romance fantasy
or really really evolved tantra
is in the right direction
even better: none of it!
there is greater satisfaction
in our dance
in ocean beach cuddling
so absent here
just saying hello even
if it is done in a certain way
is a meditation and reminder to ourselves:
what it's really all about
-----
as exciting as the van was
there was almost a voice in there saying
i'm just too old for this kind of thing
weird how jaded i feel around these parts
i want honest adventure
amidst this groaning world
magnetic economics and enlightened exchange
in support of finding
the highest and most satisfying uses for chi
the holy spirit chi
write a new book and share music making
trade and share medicines
manifest magic and help biospheric relations
serve the people
do farming that is fun
-----
it's not what you do
it's how you do it for sure
essentially practicing a vibrational level
that is strangely elusive here
a level of presence and commitment
that transmutes suffering
of course embrace tragic grief
just save the whining
for the very energy we need
involves a a kind of command
that does not come from me
and it does not allow for weak-ass shit
i know people are tired
but if there was ever a time
to get and keep it up
this is it
especially for the thoughtfulness
and generosity behind the plan
that is why this limerance is
better than anything in recent years
am i beyond even this level
of conscious negotiation?
i want what i want
in terms of applying my life energy
and these dissipations again falter
good to learn
and turn then the question:
just what do i want?
-----
beauty at least is what I can now settle for
and love well needs to be love
when did it become this pale
and then why bother?
even if it goes wrong
i want the BIG LOVE
where the wheel is given over
to the Divine
even a little stupid romance fantasy
or really really evolved tantra
is in the right direction
even better: none of it!
there is greater satisfaction
in our dance
in ocean beach cuddling
so absent here
just saying hello even
if it is done in a certain way
is a meditation and reminder to ourselves:
what it's really all about
-----
as exciting as the van was
there was almost a voice in there saying
i'm just too old for this kind of thing
weird how jaded i feel around these parts
i want honest adventure
amidst this groaning world
magnetic economics and enlightened exchange
in support of finding
the highest and most satisfying uses for chi
the holy spirit chi
write a new book and share music making
trade and share medicines
manifest magic and help biospheric relations
serve the people
do farming that is fun
-----
it's not what you do
it's how you do it for sure
essentially practicing a vibrational level
that is strangely elusive here
a level of presence and commitment
that transmutes suffering
of course embrace tragic grief
just save the whining
for the very energy we need
involves a a kind of command
that does not come from me
and it does not allow for weak-ass shit
i know people are tired
but if there was ever a time
to get and keep it up
this is it
Friday, August 3, 2012
Vuelvo al Sueno
that chapter of suffering is over
and now i can return
to flowers and soil
eating and sleeping regularly
being with friends
and healing
no longer am i to participate
in the rothschilds dream
of corporate servitude
and mental slavery
no longer will i support
their vision of a world
divided and at war
with Life itself
i played within their system
an unwilling collaborator
as long as i could
and now homeless
jobless and carless
i am free
no mas trabajo para mi
en el sistema capitalista
ahora juntos con la revolucion
de evolucion
viajo a mi suenos
de un mundo mas bello
que este sistema
permito'
un tierra restorada
por un conversacion desde nosotros
en fincas harmonias
con agua limpiada
y ninos libres a estudiar
aprender y jugar
donde todos reciben carino
y tienen la opportunidad
para seguir en el camino
de nuestros suenos
es para mi
un sueno de Vida
de un mundo lleno
con aveunturas simples
de educacion y medicina
comida y libertad
en solidaridad con justicia
y la lucha por la paz
and now i can return
to flowers and soil
eating and sleeping regularly
being with friends
and healing
no longer am i to participate
in the rothschilds dream
of corporate servitude
and mental slavery
no longer will i support
their vision of a world
divided and at war
with Life itself
i played within their system
an unwilling collaborator
as long as i could
and now homeless
jobless and carless
i am free
no mas trabajo para mi
en el sistema capitalista
ahora juntos con la revolucion
de evolucion
viajo a mi suenos
de un mundo mas bello
que este sistema
permito'
un tierra restorada
por un conversacion desde nosotros
en fincas harmonias
con agua limpiada
y ninos libres a estudiar
aprender y jugar
donde todos reciben carino
y tienen la opportunidad
para seguir en el camino
de nuestros suenos
es para mi
un sueno de Vida
de un mundo lleno
con aveunturas simples
de educacion y medicina
comida y libertad
en solidaridad con justicia
y la lucha por la paz
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