today

today I notified my bosses and crew
of my intention to apply
for a full time management position

on the fast track no less

which my boss had told me
several months ago
I didn't qualify for

then craving several medications
to deal with the ensuing stress
regarding the upheaval this means for my life

I chose to relax instead
by attending my first aikido class in a decade
and my wrists even survived

it had a very different quality
than yesterday's tai chi lesson

__________________

I am not sure what I am doing
I just know what I am not doing
and I am enjoying the return of my dreams

it is stressful to assert myself
follow through with a direction chosen
and its inevitable consequences

the unavoidable conflict
with others' expectations for me

saying no to other options
and open ended potentiality

receiving even constructive criticism
and in general sticking out

__________________

yet I'm celebrating

savoring the feeling of being six again
where life was rather out of my control

every day a new wonder
or disaster
to be reckoned with

for it seems the world is full of bullies
and parents' misunderstandings
new environments with their weird rules
bosses, punishments, report cards

starry night skies
birds that talk back
dog tails wagging
and ducks so happy to be fed

one day's comfort
the next's fear
one day cold and wet
the next filled with bowls of soup

and as I step into this world again
with some trajectory

I am remembering how
we are so much more resilient
than we've realized

HOME

as is sometimes the case
at least for me in this life

at the moment I claim something of value
there is a response from the world:

prove it

giving up pot
and for a significant time alcohol and caffeine
has provided a couple moments of this
but manageably so

particularly in relation to the response I am getting
to reclaiming one essential part
of my spiritual path:

this notion of extending ki

yesterday's momentary blog
since unposted

reflected a frantic search
for meaning within a shocked system

entitled uproot
it defined the exact response of a being
clearly unable to extend ki

but rather pulling up roots
from a threat personally ferocious and toxic

the loss of home

___________

how is it possible to extend that
which is drawn up from one's connection to life
one's rootedness in the earth

when that source is arbitrarily threatened
by forces beyond one's control

an owner's needs
ever winning out over
the latecomer

this is not only a personal koan
for one whose life has traversed
hundreds of dwellings
in a seemingly endless parade of transition

it is the demented riddle
terrorizing most of the planet

as forests and farms
are torn down and abandoned

for the promise of profit
in a dysfunctional system of
private land ownership
and ever greater banking manipulations
of wealth

___________

it is not of course
most poignantly
the forests and farms
that are destroyed

but people and families
everywhere homeless around this
once and still beautiful pear of a planet

americans on the street

even the middle class now betrayed
by the supposed surprise of
a mortgage meltdown

even the victorious soldiers now dying
from depleted uranium munitions

yet the injustice runs far deeper
to those beyond euro-american borders

indigenous peoples
systematically slaughtered
uprooted and bordered

the millions murdered
in yet another prepackaged war

or brought to the diseased streets
of teeming filthy cities
out of economic desperation

or fallen into a drug-laced system
of global mafia

or mysteriously disappeared

or left to die starving
and diseased

is it not true that
underpinning all of this

is the utter loss
of the inherent and absolute right
of a living being
to a home?

________


for all the comfortable empathy
and all the other tricks in my new age bag
there is no escaping this convergence
of personal and global karma

yet what remains

remains available
to all in all circumstances:

a remembrance of our roots
not here in this juicy loving orb
of immense and succulent beauty

but those roots which draw
from some even more essential
and seemingly upside-down place

some heavenly source realm
untouchable by all of this misery
ever sustaining life even before life

and ever granting us autonomy
to know who we are
and act accordingly

by building and rebuilding
one brick at a time

some semblance yet
of heaven here

on Earth

extending ki

In New Warriors, we used to use the word stretches to describe actions a man would commit to in order to move into his vision for his own life. In Aikido, there is a guiding principle to practice, which states: Always extend ki. These two phenomena may or may not be correlates depending on interpretation.

I've been realizing, that despite a prior viewpoint otherwise, I have abundant social opportunities. With the recent turn in weather for the better, it seems there are dances, hikes, birthdays, games, meals, and more all potentially on my calendar. With this, there are choices to be made.

In the past, I often overbooked myself. I think this came from a scarcity mindset, although I often told myself I was "stretching." It was a way of attempting to bolster self-esteem, by meeting everyone else's needs. Short sleep, hungover, and dragging ass the next day, I relied too much on caffeine and then overworking a tired (but stimlated) body. I am not exaggerating to say I was often running on empty. Even attending men's "support" groups, with passionate commitments from fired-up evenings of guts work and such, often ended in the same result.

No mas.

This week I seem to be practicing real stretching--trying out new patterns of interaction that involve discomfort--and doing them for myself. I've said no to several strong requests from people I care about that simply do not meet my needs for self-care, especially sleep. I explain the best I can, and hope no one chooses to take offense.

And gosh...this week I feel much more steady, serene, in charge of my state of being...less moody and irritable and overwhelmed. Work is both smooth and enjoyable. I see how both the addictive habits I've stepped away from AND these codependent patterns were contributing to a rather bipolar, unsatisfying quality of life. At 46, I can no longer afford such emptiness.

I am learning to extend ki. This refers to a movement outward into the world, perhaps similar to stretching. The difference is that ki is extended from one's center. Thus I have been examining what is it that brings true life satisfaction, which activities I desire to invest in over the next thirty years of my life, which come from a central place in me. The list is significant. So I have also been patient enough to simply watch and see what particularly on the list I move towards. And then today, I received an unexpected afternoon off.

I watched myself research a local tai chi instructor, whose card I don't even remember picking up. His online book and description of wu ji ("standing centered") are impressive. So uncertain as to whether he was even still around, I called him, at home apparently. And I made an appointment to receive private teaching from him at his studio next week! I then went swimming, visited a local aikido dojo I am curious about, picked up a schedule of their classes, along with the yoga classes next door.

I then came home and found myself wondering why no one is doing any Nonviolent Communication practice these days, and feeling a kind of longing for it. Soon I was booking an event on the NVC New Mexico website, and forwarding some invitations locally. Knowing what it takes to host such a group, I even requested a donation for the event. It was a bit of a stretch, as were the invitations--but all unfolded very naturally, without strain. As a monthly event, I will not feel overbooked by it. And it felt great to offer something to the community, which has been very quiet lately, in a format that I would enjoy hosting.

Extending ki.

I continue to consider full time work at Trader Joe's, and doing the Santa Fe Triathlon in July, but either commitment would presently feel premature. I have a notion to teach an old chanting meditation I know well, take a natural cooking class, start watercolor painting--again in due time. I continue to pray, meditate, eat and sleep well. I am very grateful for the natural order my life is finding.

ARROYO REPORT

resting by a babbling brook this afternoon
a more beautiful day unimaginable
how benevolent the world becomes

clinching against the snow's shock no longer
waters now thawed enough for barefoot explorations
birds and bugs sing in delight

warmth caressing fragrance from desert flora
juniper yes but the grasses too
still air brings sudden quiet

how can I be so lucky
doesn't anyone else realize the wonder here
swimming holes almost inviting enough to plunge

amidst warming sun
not yet overpowering with summer intensity
though certainly traveling coatless

rose quartz dreaming in sandstone crusts
heart awakens in desert grandeur

a casita on a distant ridge
I realize laughing

is my own

100 days

Thought I would reprint my reply to a fellow couchsurfer in Holland. She's doing an assignment for a paper over there on what Americans think of Obama's first 100 (or so) days. Due to lack of response from those she actually met here, she put out a questionnaire to the active groups in the places she's been.

Hi ...
Just got your post, maybe too late, since I think it must be early Saturday morning there, but I enjoy the opportunity to respond nevertheless. Here goes:

Michael Polera: grocery store crewmember + home care assistant + gigging musician

I had little expectation for Obama, although I did want the democrats to win, simply because of the horrendously destructive and insane behavior of the neo-con republicans the last eight years.

The country seems to me a bit saner, without complete fools at the helm. But not much of substance has changed.

I would attribute this lack of change to the fact that both parties, as well as the mass media, are at the mercy of the real powers in the world. These are the global banksters--those willing to fund illegal and immoral wars and oppression in order to make a profit. The Trilateral Commission, of which Obama is a member, was a Rockefeller creation; the Federal Reserve (a private central bank) was created by JP Morgan, Loeb and the banking elite to steal the wealth of the nation--and it has. These and similar entities (IMF, World Bank, CIA) constitute a transnational shadow government which effectively sets US and global policies.

I saw the economic crisis coming--and it is more than a "crisis". The current debt-based monetary system would need to consume the entire resouurces of the Earth to sustain itself. It will fail. I am in fact surprised the system has lasted as long as it has.

The "crisis" has affected my life personally in that I declared personal bankruptcy last year. After drowning in debt for many years, then being unemployed and nearly homeless, then after finding three jobs (see above) and still not making bills, I knew the game was up. Getting out of the debt system has been tremendously beneficial to my life and serenity. I am living something of a life again.

The economic crisis has also spurred myself and many friends to start home gardens, and begin rebuilding lost community. There is a "transition towns" movement to try to organize for the new economics of the post-peak-oil, post-corporate-capitalist world. These are hopeful developments.

Obama's intention to expand the war in Afghanistan is a tragic mistake, but to be expected because he is a protege of Brezhinski (founder of the Trilateral Commssion). By expanding the war, Obama has blood on his hands now and will begin the moral demise we have seen in every president since Kennedy (who was killed because he attempted to stand up to the above-mentioned shadow government--and was the last president to do so). Obama's giving trillions of dollars to the banks who created the economic mess is to be expected, but is still disappointing.

Successes: I like Obama, am glad he got elected, and hasn't been killed. I think the African American community is naturally empowered by his success. I am also glad he is beginning to open up relations with Cuba again, and that he is closing down Guantanamo--but these are drops in the bucket. There is still going to be an embargo against Cuba, and there are a thousand Guantanamos the US uses all over the world, not to mention what goes on in prisons right here.

I have been pessimistic about America's future since I was a small child, and remain so. (I was born in the year JFK was murdered.) Substantial systemic change would entail shutting down the Federal Reserve--I'm not holding my breath. Substantial moral change would entail an end to warmaking, for starters, and ultimately a recognition that there is no enemy or "Other". (Jesus had that about right.)

My hope is with Life itself, the Great Spirit beyond all these arrogant human-made social structures. So I practice meditation, am getting back into macrobiotics, and generally avoid politics. If I can live a simple life and try to keep my heart open, then maybe some serenity will come through that I can pass on to others.

In this direction, today I was forwarded an article by Naomi Klein which sums up the 100 days for progressives. She says we need to reclaim our power from the false hope we placed in Obama, and begin to do the direct action needed ourselves to try to take our country back. Unfortunately, it seems to me the military-industrial-prison-government-media-corporate complex holds just about all the power, and does not hesitate in using it violently and unjustly.

I guess this is the price Americans are paying for being silent collaborators in hundreds of wars, and the massive oppression of the third world, all of which has been going on for decades to prop up what capitalist greed could wring from the system. And like the Germans after WWII, we can no longer convincingly say: "We didn't know."

P.S. Sorry if I seem negative--it's been hard trying to live as a conscientious American. I am also the son of a German-American immigrant who lived through the fascism and war. I gather from your site that you are a young and positive activist. Your openness and travels I see have already touched many people. (I agree the couchsurfing movement is wonderful.) Keep up the good work, and please continue to change the world for the better. Thanks for the opportunity to write and best of luck with your assignment!

Sincerely,
Michael Polera

salud

good health today

slept solid and woke well
did ginger compresses on the kidneys
upped the protein and continued the miso soup

unloaded several pallets in the a m
including the shaw wine, water and bags
felt strong throwing the zucchini

no emotional triggering all day
patient with an unstable customer
two hours on the reg with no social-fatigue

even shared a few hugs and handshakes
with friends, acquaintances and an ex
always sweet

and really what more can one ask
it's like Vonnegut would suggest:
let's take a moment and realize
"isn't this nice?"

yesterday wasn't bad
but it's nice to have a completely solid day
good energy enjoying people and the work

try to extend to the whole of week next

_______________________________________

now to entertain myself over the weekend

see what the local music scene has going on
explore a newly found bike trail
or otherwise get outside

alas the garden may be hopeless
soil and site just too uncooperative
maybe make a big planter box and start from scratch

also will be taking care of the landlord
getting to ABQ for a rehearsal and overnight
get a swim, dance, hike or yoga class in

and see what else the world has in store
as I get clear enough to meet it

with some chi

getting over the hump

today was the day
I knew was coming

when I clean up my diet
or otherwise try to refine myself

there always seems to be
the challenge back
from the world

and today I barely made it through work
and was not a happy camper in doing so

trying to find energy without caffeine
sugar and the other depleting habits
I have been off for a week now

now that I am not drawing
from the reserves of my life energy

stored in the kidneys
according to chi based medicine

I am wondering how long it will be
before the new organization of energy
will kick in

wherein I can draw energy from breath
better quality food
positive attitude
and such

wherein I may awaken rejuvenated
from nurturing sleep

it has been many years
since I have not lived in deficit
economically and energetically

and now that money is under control
it would be sweet to also experience
integrated energetic presence

to taste it the last week has been fun
now to do it amidst challenges
of long work days

that is what's on the plate

___________________________

this has likely been the central issue
in the a-priori issue of personal integrity

without abundant natural energy
I've been inconsistent at best
in key emotional matters
as an empathy teacher
or in relationship
or self-care

mostly I've not had energy
to even pursue relationships
no less maintain them

and when may I do something others enjoy
like race a triathlon
or work on a farm

without spraining something
or otherwise falling apart

today without the personality props
the quality of presence I am looking for
lasted less than 15 seconds at work

with no second wind forthcoming

and plans for swimming in the afternoon
were derailed by a three hour nap

_________________________________

I know I can manage a shop
but can I do it without caffeine
and its residual depletion

and can I first even be a functioning
positive crewmember

I know I can connect to universal spirit
but can I do it without medicines
and their self-centered residues

I know I can be a fun socialite and traveler
but can I do it without alcohol

I am sure the answers are yes
but it is high time

I proved it

belong

individualists are surprised to realize
the inherent gravity of structures to so many

a strange codependency
and this has likely always been

families define much
be they nuclear or extended
or only the million-year memory in the DNA

appearances are kept up for support groups and church outings
in ways that are not met by informal agreements

intimate relations too must hold
the right quality of potential organization
to attract interest

men who in organized columns are brothers to the death
may flake on bringing a cup of rice to the same neighbor

it is not malice or flakiness that drives any of this
but our inherent social nature

I am not me without you too
therefore us

business and school exchanges command more rule-adherence
than walks in the park

intellectuals must publish
simply speaking intelligently is of much less value

even enlightenment must be sanctioned
so get to the zendo and start cracking

football organizes chaos

Fredericksburg

well the last day in Austin was probably the best
meeting up with a nice guy from couchsurfers

who not only put me up but showed me a great hike
and took me bat watching which was pretty cool
for people watching as well

he also gave me a good review as a couch surfer
which helps a lot in getting others to put one up

but I really didn't hit my stride on vacation
until moving on to Fredericksburg
an unexpected find an hour west of Austin

I kept trying to push myself into having a party vacation
especially in Austin but I really wasn't up for it

and after several nights of beer
followed by several mornings of coffee
driving, sugar, and the cumulative exhaustion
of the last ten months of four a m mornings

it dawned on me that I couldn't feel much shittier
so I started almost involuntarily fasting
and then decided to quit fucking up my brain chemistry
every few hours on the hour

and I've felt immeasurably better ever since

____________________________________________

Fredericksburg is for me a little gem of a town
yes it's tourist driven but so what
it's got ridiculously pleasant folks
a cool music shop, nightlife, and
those small town kind of events every weekend

it has probably the best (and longest) mainstreet in the country
which certainly inspires entrepreneurial fantasies
along with three or four help wanted signs which also got me thinking
and the town luthier says they need a violin teacher too

hey I always try to imagine what it would be like to live somewhere
when I'm visiting--I get a deeper visit that way

still it reminded me something about myself
which is that I have a definite small town streak
I can be my dorkier self in a way
not have to pretend to be be so utterly hip all the time

so I got my hair cut
by a cute single blonde gal
half my age

who sits in the front row at church
ostensibly because there she doesn't get distracted
by bad haircuts in front of her

and it was kind of like that for a couple days

______________________________________________

it's a very German town
which is what first caught my eye driving through
at least three large German restaurants on the main
and I guess there are a few speakers still

it was settled a century or two ago by hardy folks
getting away from the oppressions of Europe
they maintained good relations with the Indians
never breaking treaty and so still host the yearly powwows
I always am moved by that sort of thing

good camping, good air, wildflowers around
and the slower pace in which to catch my breath
all welcome relief
even a health food store with my favorite kombucha

which did upon opening blow up all over the car:
do not shake kombucha

one of the coolest places for me
was a German antique shop
Neu Alt something or other

it was like going home
I'd forgotten how much German stuff from Mom
was around the house growing up
all the knicknacks, Christmas stuff, etc.

well it was all there
the little cups that hold your boiled eggs

the thermometer set in a little house
with some cheap barometer that never worked
but was designed to have a woman gardener
come out on the sunny days
and a man with an umbrella out on the rainy ones

an odd poster I considered buying
with a bunch of supposed Germanic characters
from prehistoric times (yet as dour-looking as moderns):

a couple guys sharpening arrows next to a guy hauling in a fish
next to a frau apparently kneading some dough
and another dude in the background eerily behind an ox-plow

might as well have had a guy with a suit selling insurance
for all the historical accuracy portrayed

there was also an iron cross from WWI
which I thought to ask about
since my grandfather had been so decorated
for bravery in that war

while I'd seen pictures of the family heirloom
it was apparently sold by a bro-in-law for drugs
and so I wondered: would it be a good thing to replace?

I think it was the $80 price tag more than
karmic considerations which told me no

and then for a mere $17 was Hans Huckabein
I assume everyone knows who this is right?

okay for those not raised in a sadistic cultural framework
Hans is a cartoon book to teach kids upstanding morals
it was weird how vividly I recalled the images
even though they had not come to mind in forty years

there is Hans with his big beak getting into the punch bowl
and drinking to such excess that when he starts fooling around
with the ball of yarn next to him
is in the final frame of the cartoon
hanging from the table amidst tangled yarn
lifeless

needless to say disturbingly sad for a young child

most other cartoons in the book proceed likewise
with someone dripping just enough blood
that you know they are dead
in retribution for their shortcomings

I would have bought it for ten

____________________________

anyway go there
the weiner schnitzel ist sehr gut
kartufel salat mit zweibel
und schoen-warm rotkohl

there are tastings from wineries everywhere around
a microbrew right on the main
and the signs say you can drink on the sidewalk

me I'm temperant now
no doubt thanks to Hans Huckabein

RIVER LIGHTS

I find something uniquely moving
in witnessing artificial lights
reflected toward me in a river
from the other shore

I recall them on that ridiculous
miles-long walk with Guy
to his home somewhere
on the outskirts of Berlin

too my fledgling experiences
of autonomy in the world
a green 18 year old in a city of strangers
sorting philosophies by the River Charles

And here on another new river
again alone but for the water spirits
humid smells reminiscent of childhood
and the intrusion of a waking kind of dreamtime