afternoon

magenta sky sunsets on the bike ride home
disc golf and a beer
after a ride down silver

first strong sun of the year
and suddenly trees blowing up
in blossoming lavender and green

even nob hill feels like a little adventure
after spending so much time home lately
and venturing at most to harvard street

and if i had to choose a word
adventure is the game
named

sweet secrets

there were achievements today

i woke feeling strong (it has been some time)
i worked a full day including cleaning the cooler
i requested a start date of May 5th in San Diego

we'll see about this whole exodus plan
i hedge a bit as i think of how chill burque can be
especially when the weather is as nice as today
__________________________

i then drove to santa fe to exchange toothbrushes
pillows and cereal boxes
by way of tote in the yard of a neutral site

we've achieved agreement
not wanting to see each other
even a minute

which doesn't mean there wasn't lots of love
just that we've each had enough of the pain that happens

when someone who needs things real loose
connects with someone who needs things real tight

i was able to leave a blessing letter as hoped
the authenticity of which
necessitated significant and helpful work this week

letting go of all the anger and stuff

it felt good to offer
and receive a kind wish also

along with my socks
___________

returned and headed out on the bike to winnings cafe
but noticed the playful scene next door
at a place catering to stoners

saw a coworker sitting in desirable patio sun
sipping amber ale in a round stemmed glass
telling cycling adventure stories

and reminding me of amsterdam
in i went

it was the first non-vegetarian non-alkaline consumption
for raven in the week since the gout attack
the beer tasted excellent

i saw my coworker's art
a ridiculously sleek old 80's Italian Bianchi
he's putting together by
tracking down original parts from all over

i then played some hack
with a surprising level of near-competence
including a couple reverse kicks

improvised keys as a shaker to jam along
with a couple very good djembe players

met a cute NMSU independent studies student
and a couple of musicians
who I gave my groovy demo
who are in a jam band

who invited me to sit in
tomorrow night for a tune

by way of the old bluegrass bass player
who told me he thought of me today
in a pertinent spiritual way

i was very touched by

______________

what fun thought i

as i coasted without pedaling
all the way on sliver from yale to ash
(and yes that crosses university)

to remember the sweetness of scene here
and rather than feeling torn

arrived at the quite obvious solution
of living in two places by way of
an evolving gypsy jam-band lifestyle

and noticed that along with family

this chill scene is anyway
the exact vibe i've been called to
in moving to ocean beach

with the subtle difference of OB
being set on the edge of
ten thousand miles

of ocean


whose mind's remembering
suddenly with soaring heart

emptied

dialog group

americans are so strong and self-assured
thought the thinly disguised cynic
attending his first peace dialog

thinking their precious thoughts
about religion and spirituality
make a whit of difference

now after suffering silently through two hours
of the usual self-serving altruism
of such endeavors

i am prompted
by my yahoo group
to "rate the meetup"

and i am pretty sure i will not

________________

hobbling along

i'd arrived simultaneously
with the facilitator
at peace and justice

to encounter three apparently homeless
native folks hanging out inside
on a snowy equinox morning

one of whom asked if we had any extra gloves
to which the facilitator's reply was

who let you in
are you supposed to be here
we're having a meeting

and as the facilitator then wandered off
someone heard the recipient of these not-gloves
mutter something like

what did she mean by all that
we're trying to get warm
maybe she sold the last of her soul

before code-switching into Dine
which apparently offered tools for
a more amusing take on the situation

_________________

someone watched the facilitator return

offer that they could stay
and would see if there was any food
which led to some loaves being found and shared
so i guess that's all good

this from a spacey distance
brought on by the headache-y symptoms
of a fast's second day

brought on by a painful
and slightly embarassing health condition

brought on by the sloppiness
of food intake that had once again devolved into
essentially caffeine and sugar
with supplements of fat and alcohol
and not enough water

the perfect recipe for kidney stones
or in my far more fortunate circumstance
its uric-acid crystal cousin

(and nothing says
its time for a spring cleanse yeh meedel-aged bahsterd
like an attack of)

gout

____

nature boy has already glimpsed
the lightness on the other side
of this process

already the jonesing has gone
and i know i will soon come to the vitality
that a fast reminds me
is underneath all these neurotic addictive compensations

so surprised was the watcher
to find such a return of the cynic

__________________

if i were to rate the meetup
i'd have to give it an A-plus of course

within minutes
ran into the facilitator at the co-op a mile east
while looking up herbal remedies
for relief of gout symptoms

replied to her inquiry about my unhappy countenance
with a quadruple take

bypassing mention of either homelessness
urea or sexual indiscretions

to hear myself ironically say
i didn't find the subject stimulating

then arriving home a mile or two further west
with the movie credits rolling up the screen

three homeless Indians
and a shopping cart with a few more loaves
trudged by

as someone watched

pelican

in less than a week
i have recovered a springy step
and joyful participation in community

and i notice inspiration i was not anticipating
i am feeling quite called to the ocean
23 year of mountains enough for now

so soon i may fulfill an unexpected destiny
becoming the aging california surfer dude

yet time and age are no matter
amidst the aliveness of recognizing
where our hearts find true conversations

and mine is with the sea

_________________

every ancestor and every nearby descendent
has lived on the water

and now that I have established
the stability of sustainable income
and a sane and integrated personal life

I can make such choices
follow such callings
without angst-ridden complexity

something speaks to me so clearly there
issues like expense or urban traffic
hold no sway

_________

the kicker is in beginning to feel
a nearly unfamiliar
familial sense

a drive to create nurturing spaces
blossoming from mutual respect and basic needs

for people courageous enough
to take care of themselves and one another
in a structure called a family

so many decades unexperienced
almost disorienting to stumble across
yet more so

reorienting

_________________

the only thing yet missing this week
is my mind

my intellectual curiosity and sharpness
is almost wholly absent still

I'm not sure why

mental fatigue or zen integration or
a jettisoning of maladaptive worrying

I don't know

i am used to racing across the tips of waves
like the cormorant

it may take some getting used to
barely moving a muscle
like the pelican

soaring in the coastal breeze

Beloved

alice in wonderland
is not a great movie
but for someone who never sees movies
not awful

i do prefer reality over media for my reflections
yet did appreciate a couple points

the general reminder that less sane
can sometimes mean more alive

the confirmation that self-actualization
may await beyond the romantic choice

and that for some of us
our true loves

may belong to another realm

---------------------------

this was oddly mirrored
in my favorite experience of the day:

staring at the rise
cresting
and crash
of a thousand ocean waves

i recall hearing a few folks this week
say well-meaning things like
women and men are just wired differently

but look at the magnificent ocean:
is it truly and completely
feminine or masculine?

and is one's response to it
based on one's gender?

or is one's response perhaps
more reflective of one's level of intention
to deepen a passionate connection
to that rhythm beyond words
beating through every molecule
of this dancing Earth?

and when two humans meet
does communication depend on
chemistry?
luck?
some willing realism to work through stuff?

or is it simply something that is?

______________________

i say
we live and we die in a moment's breath

and whether we are with another or not
across whatever our gender identifications happen to be

the essential matter
has to do with those moments we realize
we are always with

the Beloved

quality of life

after walking around
really pleasant and friendly beaches
for a couple hours with my brother in law

we hung out around the heated swimming pool yesterday
here at the apartment complex
after the kids got home from school

yours truly
the guy who lifts milk crates in a refrigerator for a living
generally opting for the nearby hot tub

sixties and sunny

the kids are benefitting from the time away
from long island nonsense

dad does a nice job i think
of letting them work/play through their needs
to discharge accumulated stresses
setting boundaries just when things go too far

sweet to have the pool pretty much to ourselves
on such a gorgeous day

dad later said it was the best day he's had in years

quality of life

_________

evening time
I took them out for the big dinner splurge of the week

fish type places tend to be pricey
and when we got downtown and saw it was right on the water
I knew what I was in for

but it was rather painless really
and well worth it

the young one, eight, got dressed up in her best dress
the middle ordered pasta as expected
and was finished before anyone else started
the eldest, 13 and in an aloof phase,
at least allowed me to muse on the interesting life
I was predicting for him

and with an occasional passing sailboat decorating our view
their dad mused on taking long-wished-for
sailing lessons

it was tremendous fun to play uncle
buy the youngest the fancy strawberry drink
someone else had ordered
because not only did it look yummy
but there was a seahorse toy on top

some people call this spoiling kids
i call it loving them:
giving them attention
sensing what is important to them
responding appropriately

we watched a big cruise ship pull away
and then a peaceful sunset on the Pacific

and I told them I was glad
amidst all the squabbling kids do
to see all the love present in the family

______________________

since it was everyone's first foray downtown

we walked around the boardwalk
looked at some gorgeous huge sailing ships
docked right there

a cargo ship called the Star of India from the 1860s:
I've never seen so many ropes and masts and things!

inspiring their dad who is an ocean archeologist
who promised they would come back
to see the maritime museum
and tour the ships

we got some ice cream on the way home
good times all around

I was happy to contribute

hand-shy

let the healing begin

ending a relationship allows one the space
to discard all the hurtful projections one has received

as i slowly and a bit hand-shy
or in this case too readily tuned to critical angry voices
which arrived like such slaps

i delve back into carving out a space for public self expression

and a private space that is my own garden for self-love and acceptance

and considering setting this boundary
was one of the big problems of the capital-R
space-invading Relationship

aside from wishing my former partner the same gift
and the return of a toothbrush

i want nothing further to do with her
anywhere

like here

who am i again

someone tell me who i am again

so tired from nearly 2 years of 3:30 wake-ups
that i am constantly falling asleep the last couple weeks
afternoon naps, 6 pm crashes, 40 winks on break
foggy thinking in the twilight awakenesses in between

can't decide if i can decide whether or not i'm awake enough to grab the phone calls coming in, or can think clearly enough to coherently return a call
friendships slipping, neighbors pissed at missed engagements and unreturned calls

relationship was just about done in from the resulting misunderstanding,
cycling gone by the wayside, when was the last time i was actually up for a jam
or even did some serious practicing, blog slipping, not to mention hygiene

i can turn on the computer to receive the conspiratorial forwards from an old friend, with whom things are becoming strained because of my perception of an increasing tendency to generalize in a way that blames the world's problems on a certain ethnic group, and his taking the barely-contained disgust in my replies personally

i really need a vacation but gosh the planning and booking and execution sure seem formidable, yet i also wonder why i have so few allies who accept me and offer nurturance rather than judge me and offer demands, since i think i have clearly let everyone know i work very hard for a living and have great difficulty with stress especially that of receiving judgment

a bag of weed sounds real good about now, some me-time within which i get to just enjoy breathing in some sunshine, cooking something interesting or going to a strange new abq haunt, stretchng so luxuriously, with the space to regroup and make a new plan, remember to dance and play, have a spontaneous new idea, watch birds, and whoever wishes to join me is welcome, so long as they remember to tread gently within my garden

because the past week is not what i signed up for